The Modern Lovers: The Modern Lovers (1976) ep. 279

[0:00]Is Rob's video frozen, Aaron, or is it me? No. I'm coming back. Check out how big this is. Is it on the bedpost? Oh, that's last week. That's last week, Aaron. People listening this week don't even know the three types of bedposts. All right, here we go. It's a whole new audience this week. In 2020. The people who heard last week's episode was like, never again. I'm never listening to this show again. But that's why we give 100% every night because you never know. It might be one person's only time listening to me get better. When you stay ready, Aaron. Just for this one. Yeah, that's why I always wear a condom, too. I'm wearing a condom all the time. Yeah, Aaron, even when I'm peeing. Maybe you should try that. Are you ready? See, I have to get ready. I take it off. I take it off and throw it in the garbage. Yeah, it gets looks. Okay. But guess what? When you're at a urinal and the guy behind you in line takes off a Piss-filled condom and throws it away that guy knows what he's Doing. He's planned ahead. Demands respect. Demands respect. Demands respect. And then pulls another condom out of his pocket.

[1:00]And puts it on. Has to throw it around a little bit first to get over it. Rob, do you think that guy, when he does that, does he stretch it out Like people do with balloon animals? You know, where they, like, pull the balloon and snap it a little bit? Give it a little. Oh. You guys didn't have to stretch it out sideways, too? You know what I mean? I always had to stretch them sideways. Too small. I would just what I would do, Aaron, is cut off the end. Then it wasn't so tight. Speaking of tuna cans, Rob. Yeah. Our house sold the upstairs roommate the other day. Watched the whole Hulk Hogan Netflix six-part special without me prompting it. Wow. Oh, the whole six parts? The whole six parts. Wow. Now, Russell, I am not making this comment about your roommate, but I would say this. If I came home and my partner was watching the Hulk Hogan documentary, I would immediately Start making love to them. You know what I mean? Just right away, I'd be like, you could still watch over the ottoman or whatever, but this

[2:00]Is happening, okay? Yeah. I'd bust a sergeant's slaughter by accident. My bad. Couldn't be worse than Steven Tyler in the amazing video. Oh, my God. When Hulk Hogan didn't let him unionize. Don't unionize, brother. They take away fees. They actually give you less choices, brother. They don't tell you that. Okay? Also, I'm against mining safety. Now, here's the thing, Aaron. The only problem with wearing a condom so you can pee into it, you would have to throw It around a little bit. You would have to throw it in the bathroom, and to explain that would be tough. Rob, if you were a condom thrower away in the bathroom, like you used it on the regular, Would you leave it in a urinal? Would you flush it down a toilet, or would you put it in the trash? Trash. You would. Yeah. I'd put it in the trash. Flushing it down the toilet feels like I'm making moonshine in prison. You know what I mean? Where they put the bag under the toilet and up with the string attached or whatever. Who knows?

[3:00]Who knows how they do that? But, yeah, if you had to say, like, actually, I was jerking off, I wasn't jerking off in The bathroom. Thank you very much. I was putting on my pee condom. Oh, sorry, sir. I can see your man of taste. I can see by your nice watch that you actually know what you're talking about. Rob, do you think? Oh, can you put a condom on a flaccid penis? I'd like to see you try. Yeah. Good luck. They're so tight. Why are they so long? It's crazy. The end of my condoms, when I put them on, would look like a bridal gown. There would be a train. There would be a train going up to my belly button. It was too long. And that was normal-sized condoms. God damn. You'd put it on and instantly just feel bad about yourself. Oh, fuck me. I'm not even. You know what I mean? It was like putting on a shirt, and it was too small. You know, you put on an extra large, and it's too small, and you're like, fuck, an extra Large is too small? That's what it was like with the condom. You realize you're the wrong size for society.

[4:00]Rob, what if the regular condom wears? How would that have impacted the job? How many more bathroom attendants would there be if that was a regular thing? Let's say 40% of adult males wore them on the regular. Those bathroom attendants would be way more popular. Oh, yeah. Because you know what you could sell a single, a Lucy condom for in a bathroom? Forget about it. $5, $25. Oh, Aaron. Let me just put it this way. For real, beside the fake peeing in the condom, obviously, if a guy sold condoms in a bathroom, What would that be? At like a restaurant, you could sell them for like $50. Who's going to say no to that? You know what I mean? Hey, no big deal. How much is that condom you're selling? I'm on a date. That's $50. Yes, I'll pay that right now. I'm going to pay that right now. Can I also get one of the bomb pops out of the basket? A bomb pop? Don't they have like suckers and shit in the basket?

[5:00]Russell, the bomb pop is a popsicle. Oh, what's the other one with the gum? You think that guy in the bathroom has a popsicle? Can you imagine? Just taking off the paper. He's got a Yeti cooler in there. I bet the blow pop. I bet the blow pop. Let me ask you this. It doesn't matter. Let me ask you this. Yes, sir. You get to choose. The bathroom attendant is handing you a bomb pop due to a terrible misunderstanding. Yes. Would you rather they unwrap the paper themselves and hand it to you or that you have to unwrap The paper in the bathroom to eat it? Do I get to wash my hands before I open it or not? That's a great question. Yes, you do. Because of course you do. If there's a bathroom attendant, Russell, hand washing is at $100. If there's a bathroom attendant, it would take the biggest nuts of all time to walk Out of a bathroom without washing your hands if there's an attendant. You just make eye contact with them. You're just like, that is the ultimate check raise, isn't it, Rob? That's the ultimate check raise. I'm going all in. You're going to do something about it? I'm going all in. You're going to do something about this motherfucker?

[6:00]This is your only job is to make sure that I wash my hands after I pissed. And by the way, still to me, it doesn't make sense. What are you doing? I'm going all in there. You got to wash your hands. Rob, what are your thoughts on tipping? So you're going to make the move of not wash your hands and walk out and stare them in The face, but then you also tip them. So you don't wash the hands and you tip them for it. You're tipping them for not telling. Yes, exactly. Because you know there's a chance that a tenant could come out during your date and Be like, hey, this guy didn't tip me. This guy didn't tip me and he didn't wash his hands. If the bathroom attendant comes out and tells your date you didn't wash your hands, that Date's over. You're screwed. We get a $50 refund on that condom, Russell. You're not going to need it. You got to rat it out by the bathroom attendant. And I'd be like, hey, who is, who'd you ask to cover your shift? You know what I mean? You're out here talking to me. Who's in there? Who's watching the Watchmen? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. All the colognes just gone. Damn it. Rob, another question about the bathroom attendant.

[7:00]What if they like start implementing technology where they have like the flip screen, you Know, like if you go to the store, they flip the screen over and they say like, hey, it's Just going to ask you. A real quick question. Yeah. Like what if we get to the point? Like, are you tipping 15% on the, you got to get your card out? Russell, always. I'm always picking the middle box on that. You know what I mean? And the boxes now are, they're getting crazy. I'm seeing 40% boxes now. And I'm like 40%, bro, you are pushing it with the 40%. I'm a big tipper, but 40% tip is pushing it. Oh yeah. Russell, I have to don't you, do you ever decline on those? Hi. I'm almost. I'm almost always a sucker. I feel like people are working hard, but I, I, we've probably talked about this. I don't like, I don't know if they know what I give. And if sometimes I feel like a sucker, if it's just going into like, you want to know, Like you want it, you want, like, I'd like to know if they know what I need to be looked In the eye. If I'm given a tip, I need to be, I need eye contact afterwards.

[8:00]What do you think about that? I like those moments where you, like you gave a tip that you feel good about and the bartender Or the services. Hey, I appreciate you. Yeah. And like, you feel like you, yeah. Then you feel like you now Aaron, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a situation where if nobody knew you knew if nobody knew you would tip Zero, you would tip zero so fast. Like you grabbed an Apple and came up and bought it and it's, what are you going to Do? You know what I mean? That's not how it works. So somebody out there, please. I know we have a listener that must work with a machine where you flip it around and Get a tip. What are you checking if people are tipping? Is it a green box that comes up? Is there a red X that comes up? They've got like some way of knowing. I think they got to know. We got to find out for the next episode. Somebody please leave a voicemail. Do And just, it's not going to affect the tips. You know what? If you leave a voicemail with your Venmo, I will tip you for the information. Boom. Problem solved. Thank you very much. Okay. In 2024, friends decided to listen to every one of the greatest 500 albums decided by

[9:00]Rolling Stone magazine. This result, we got to get to this album, Russell. We got to get to this album. We got to hear it. We need to know. Celebrate the music. Excoriate the order. And let us to make it. This podcast, we are far from experts. We promise to do almost no research. All opinions are our own. Unless you disagree, please sit back and enjoy. Beck did it better. We are all the way up to album 288 and from 1976. And so this is 11 years after the last album. We have the Modern Lovers by Modern Lovers. I mean, Modern Lovers, this album makes you think about how much being a modern lover Has changed over time, Aaron. That's what I think about. How much has a modern lover changed over time? In the 70s, being a modern lover was turning off your car when you're making out so you Don't waste fuel during the gas crisis. And of course, I know a bunch of other stuff from the 70s, but I don't have time right Now. It feels like it was about just finding a girlfriend. Like this guy was just really. Are you really stepping on my joke? You're stepping on my joke. Do you think that was my joke was about the fuel crisis?

[10:00]When's the joke? Being a modern lover in the 70s was turning off your car to conserve fuel. And I know other stuff about the 70s. Nowadays, being a modern lover is asking their pronouns before you eat their ass. I mean, things have changed. Good joke. Can I lick it there that I'm editing out? That was there's something there. I'm not going to lie. There's something there. I got the pronoun of the asshole itself. Oh, boy. You're making me not want to edit it out because I feel like there's just a little nugget of a joke. It's like I go by he, him, his, but my. Asshole. Is it they, them? Let's just blue skies. Let's just blue sky right now. And there's no wrong answers. And we listen. We know we're respectful guys. We're in fact, we're we're the modern lovers. We're talking about what would be pronouns for an asshole. Just. I feel like that's one of the. In Spanish, there are verbs that are male and female, right?

[11:00]Like it feels like asshole has got to be a male verb. Sorry. Sorry. Now it's you think it's a male. Wow. That's totally different than what I think. Aaron. We got to talk. We got to talk. We got to talk about this out of the podcast. We don't have. I for real. I want to talk about that. All right. I just realized there's the third beat to this joke. And I listen. I don't want to say this joke. I don't want to say the third beat because it gets really bad. Aaron. The bad beat. Is it the sneaky beat? Sneaky beat. We haven't had a sneaky beat in a while. I mean, can you imagine your grandparents asking pronouns before they ate ass or got Their ass eaten? No, we can't do that. We're going to have to delete this episode. We can't do. You got to stop saying ate ass eating. Yeah, this has got to be deleted. You got to stop saying it. Don't picture it. I'm just going to say that. Don't picture about their basket. This is the episode where at some point the whole podcast will have to come down. And it's because of this. Yeah.

[12:00]Okay. It's a good point. Okay. Let's be cool about this. All right. Listen, I've got three guys here. By the way, no parody song this week. Just in case you're wondering. I've got three guys here who are already excited. Two guys. I've got two guys here again. Not a guy. A lot of good men out there who's already excited to forget. We've already covered this album. Hey, you guys are not going to remember this album in five weeks. There's no way. I've got Russell, Minneapolis. Russell, how are you doing? Guys? This podcast helps me being from being not lonely at night. That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard in my entire life. I've got Aaron out in California. Now, Aaron was recently telling me he saw the Odyssey. I mean, actually, I did. Odyssey. Odyssey. A hero's journey. You ought to see my toilet. After eating all these Greek heroes. Hey, oh. Well, after Odyssey that, I'm excited to see Dune 3.

[13:00]Dune 3. Thanks a lot, time. Thank you. Yeah, I don't. Listen, I don't know any lyrics from this album except for G-I-R-L-F-R-E-N-D. And that's it. Let's talk about the modern lovers. Imagine at some point in my life, Aaron, I did think there's a chance I would have a foursome. You know what I mean? Three chicks. You and three. Not you and a friend and two friends. That just shows how much confidence I had growing up. You know what I mean? I like it. That could be a test for somebody. Like, how many people max do you picture yourself making love to at one time in your life? For me, it was like three, for sure. And you were certain you could satisfy all three of them? No. No. That didn't occur to me in the least area. Rob didn't even get there on one. The first. Yeah. If you think I'm doing anything but ladies. I ain't on a beanbag chair for that, Aaron. You're solely mistaken.

[14:00]Don't picture that, by the way. It feels tough to fit four people on a beanbag chair. Maybe it's a big. It's one of those love stacks. Maybe. It'd be a big beanbag chair. We'd have four people on it. Okay. Note to self. Bing search later. Now. It just feels like a turn-taking exercise at that point. I don't know how you. Who knows? Listen. We don't have time for this, Aaron. Let's get into the voicemail. The three's on the phone. Won't leave me alone. You goddamn knuckle fucks. Okay. So I got to talk. He's back. He's back. That first price message was from July, like 20th. Okay. This one was from four days ago. Oh, he's already know what's going to happen. He's pissed. We didn't play his voicemail. He hasn't heard his voicemail yet. There might be a little question about why I haven't played the voicemail. I've left a message for you guys on the 19th with my good friend, Todd. That would have been July 19th. Okay. Maybe. Maybe the 19th. I haven't heard that voicemail play. I get, I expect better from the, I did it better cohort.

[15:00]And, I'm a little bit disappointed that you haven't responded to my voicemail. This is the second time I've asked to do, Tim. It was, you guys said you'd do it. Now I just need Aaron to set it up. I'm just waiting. I'm, I'm walking into the dog park here. My dog sniffing butts. Now. When Bryce normally calls, where do you picture him? I picture him in the woods. 100% of the time. When he calls, I picture him in his car. Oh, in his car. Yeah. I like that. Cause he used to call me from the car fairly often, but it's also possible that He's pooping when he calls. Russell, you got any car callers in your life? People when they're in a car there, I'm a car caller. I, I, I used to call someone a lot from my car and I'm not allowed. I can't call them anymore. Cause they're not. They're not here for me to call them anymore. That's been very hard for me to not have that.

[16:00]Oh no. So I, but I, I find a way I'll call the upstairs roommate. I'll call my brother once in a while. I'll call my sister in the car. I haven't started calling any of you guys, but that was the one, that is one thing in Life that I, I don't ever listen to music in cars anymore. I either listen to a podcast or I feel the need to call someone and talk on the phone. Well, the last time you called me Russell, you were in a car. Yeah, I was. The last time Russell called me, he was in the car. Yeah. Now Russell. Yeah. So that's as close as you're going to get into guilt me to picking up the phone call For you. You know what I mean? If I call you, it's probably from a car almost for sure. Oh, now I feel guilty about never picking up those calls, Russell, but I don't know If I could do it. Okay. Okay. So listen, I was going to complain about car callers in my life, but I'm going to skip That now. I'm going to move on to the rest of the voicemail. No, you're not a car. Well, you don't even have a car, Rob. So you don't really other than when you're borrowing your sister's car or something, But it is nice in New York.

[17:00]When you're talking to somebody on the phone and the subway comes or you just tell them, Oh, the subway is here. Cause guess what? Call is over. Russell me. I'm not a long call guy. I like a way to chop off a call. So calling in New York is kind of fun too. It's kind of, you feel kind of, but I usually, so I've got a real New Yorker. I've got a, I've got a, I'd say I've got an 18 minute drive home from work. Okay. Perfect. If I get going, get on my freeway, make a call. I've got about a 12 minute period. And then it's like, Hey, I'm pulling. And I got to let you go. Wow. That's, it's a good, that's a good time for a call. It is 10 minutes. Yeah. I think that's a good one. Now you talking over the radio, like doing the Bluetooth car. Yeah. It's the Bluetooth. It's the Bluetooth thing. So I don't have to, I don't have to do anything. I am dialing on my phone though. I am not saying call Rob. I'm not doing anything like that. I am, I'm hitting, I'm hitting your number and then I'm talking through the speaker. Yeah. Now let me ask you, Russell, somebody's in the car with you. Somebody calls you. It answers over.

[18:00]Speaker in the call in the car, you telling the guy on the phone, Hey, I just let you Know, I'm you're on the speaker in the car. Have to 100% must. Yeah. You have to, that's a, that is something I do all the time. And some people in my family don't, I'm just going to say that right now. All right. We're in this circle jerk of a podcast. You have, so yeah, get back to me. When are we shutting this up? It says, I'm living for this. I'm not going to lie. You know who I'm missing on this call? Todd, Todd. Where's Todd? There's not really a savant vibe going on here. You don't want to be like, I kind of want to hear what Todd has to think, or maybe hear Todd riff a little bit. Todd ain't sitting in a car while he's, while he's calling, he's, he's doing something More important. Bryce is driving with Todd. So good. I don't know how many listeners you guys have, but I've listened to many. Let's not ask those questions. God damn episode of this podcast. And maybe me and about 12 other people who know the old, no one listens.

[19:00]The generous age of the people, or maybe you have a hundred, who knows, but, just Get back to me. So we can set this up. Does he get back here? Good dog. Okay. Aaron, I'm officially, I'm officially putting you in charge of setting up when we're going To do this. Okay. And I don't know why he's not calling me about it, but I will. Yeah. I know you're a middle management genius. So this is going to be no problem for you. I also need you to reach out to Matt and let him know that this is happening because He's not. He's not going to hear this and he's not going to be happy. Okay. So I know you also like sending emails that you don't, a lot of people don't want to Get. That's on. That's your thing. Go for it. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Not me. Not me. Parent emails me and is like, what's wrong with my child? I'm like, nothing. Your child's wonderful. It's the system. That's the problem. Okay. All right. Now here's the thing. Bryce then immediately sends me another voicemail or a third. Not me. I got an update from the dog party.

[20:00]My dog just ate a poop. Oh, I'm not sure. Now I'm just going to say this has been an issue up at the cabin and not poop, but my Dog is delighting in eating dead fish on the beach and snails. My dog is going French style, having escargot. And then when I pick him up to give him a little kiss, cause he's such a little sweetie Pie. He's my King smells. It does smell a little bit like fish. We've got a problem going on. Russell recently saw me with the dog. He, He knows that I pretty much spent all my time dealing with this dog. There's, There's something about it, Russell. I don't know. There's a Rob is a great dog. Dad. He he's got his dog out. He's got him near the lake. He's let him run loose. And this is a New York dog. It probably doesn't get, You know, The, The beautifulness of the wilderness of Northern Minnesota. Rob used to peep shows. Rob is also like what I would call like a dog simp. Like he, He, He knows his dog's going to cause problems for him.

[21:00]And then he does something about it for about 18 seconds. And then he immediately goes back to letting the dog, Like the dog's like running over causing problems for Rob's neighbors. So Rob like walks all the way over there, Gets annoyed, Comes back as kind of muttering to his daughters that they're not helping him, Brings the dog inside. And then like probably within 45 seconds, He picks up the dog and brings the dog back out and lets the dog do the same Thing. And then is frustrated that it happens again. The dog loves the beach. What am I supposed to do? You got to let him run. I think you're doing the right thing. He only weighs eight pounds. How much trouble can he cause? It's it's, You would be amazed when there's little kids up here who are trying to play Baseball and he just grabs the ball and runs away. And at some point I do, Here's the, Here it is. I go over and I say, Oh, He's a dumb dog. He doesn't listen. Number two. Oh my gosh, This guy is so bad. And then number three, I got to hit him with a, At some point you got to realize I'm not a good owner. I have no control over this dog. I don't know what I'm doing. It's a, It's a real mess. Anyway, Let's get back to the voicemail here. I'm sure how I feel about that. I'm maybe a little disgusted,

[22:00]But also he's living his life. I would like to live my life and do that. Now he brings up a great point here. Is the dog great because he's living his life, Eating a thing of poop, Doing what he wants. This occurred to me the other day at the dog park. My dog did try to hump one of those dogs that has wheels for back legs. Now, Are you guys offended by this joke? Humping a dog with, Here's the thing. No, I know this is going. Oh, Have I done this bit with you before? Here's the thing, Russell. Yeah. It's embarrassing at the time, But guess what? That dog's probably not getting humped by a ton of other dogs because of the Wheels. So really my dog is kind of the most woke dog there is. You know what I mean? Like my dog is, He's like, I'll hump it. Anybody don't worry about it. Very, Very empathetic. Yeah. Now when I said to him, Hey, Get, Get Optimus prime over there out of here. It's bothering my dog. They didn't like that. The owners didn't like that. Okay. So Optimus prime. Okay. Right. I don't know if it's anything like me walking the dog.

[23:00]There is a chance that Bryce could be incredibly high. You know what I mean? He does. He does enjoy the THC. He likes the beverages. I, Hey, Me too. I get it. Replays. Right. Come on. I need content. I got the summer off. You're going to his walk. So listen to your podcast. Do better. Okay. Now at this point, I've got to tell you, This is probably one of the greatest voicemails I, We have ever had. It's finally a span who is complaining when we don't put out the episode for The first time ever. We have a fan saying that we should be putting out episodes and putting out Content. It's what they need.

[24:00]Never before. Never before. Never before. Never before. Never before. 887 episodes prior to this. 87. As anybody said, Hey, I really want an episode this week. So Bryce. He's it. He's in his life. A fan. We thought, Honestly, Stop listening immediately after they're on the show. Thank you for warming my heart a little bit. Russell. What do you think about fans demanding that we put out content, Even though we're sometimes we just can't meet on the weekend. You know what? I really understand this and it annoys me that we're not putting out more Content. I, I, I, I, Listening to bill simmons zach low basketball podcasts three watchables movie podcasts stuff Like that and sometimes these podcasters they hit the middle of summer and they're like okay We're gonna slow it down instead of doing my two a week or whatever they go down to one a week or They kind of skip their normal routine i think for podcast listeners that's really hard and Especially for like professional podcasters it chaps my ass like that is all they do is record

[25:00]One thing for like they spend four hours a week recording they don't do anything these guys don't Write anymore they don't they're not doing stuff on stage that's all they're doing and for a lot Of these guys like our podcast rob is evergreen right you could listen to any of these anytime And there's so many sports things where these guys could go back hey let's live like who are The 10 greatest power forwards of the eight like do something fun and keep your audience Involved Fuck those podcast hosts that aren't putting stuff out regularly russell you are jonesing for the Basketball season bad there is a hole in your life in the basketball season it's not going on oh my Gosh i'm worried and the other thing you realize russell is when you do the podcast and again Anybody listening want to be on the podcast email us we will put you on i don't check the email Yeah we'll put you on what you realize is podcasting is not that hard this is in no way Like it's not difficult you just sit and talk and say what you think okay it's

[26:00]About getting the schedule together and i know my schedule is the hard one you guys have to stay it's One in the morning for you guys that's the problem you gotta stay up late aaron let me ask you Let's we'll talk right now okay how close are we to being able to record at a normal time Are we is that anywhere on the horizon no no god damn it okay we can't have tonight i was like we Got like we got home today i was like oh for sure i'll be on by eight and then like stuff happens And life happens and i'm doing things and then it's like i 8 30 early so i can get up okay but i'll have to stay up all day Live on it oh look at you guys you're all right and then like you're all right and then like you're all right i'm working hard on our day too And then like stuff happens and life happens and i'm doing things and then it's like i 8 30 at really a second get that Okay, I'm going to have to edit this out because Matt might hear this. If Matt hears this, we are in big trouble. But not right now because we're going to talk about Roland going. Roland going, what is going on? Aaron, Roland going. Oh a couple things I wanted to mention. I don't think I talked about being on vacation with Replacements Guy, or maybe I did. But I will say that Bryce is very good in a canoe. And, Bryce, I'm glad you're out there getting your walks in.

[27:00]We've done our C-stroke, J-stroke jokes, I believe. He's an excellent canoeer, so I will say that. But I don't want to make this a kids say the darndest things podcast, But I wanted really a conversation I overheard between my son and another dad on the trip. So we're on the trip with these two dads, and they're very clearly, Like their kids are a little bit older than Wallace. They're between like 10 and 11 years old. Wallace is 9. And they're definitely like The guys who want to make sure that they're going to be able to do it. They want to make sure their kids are like achieving at a high level. Like one kid is taking tennis lessons and tablet lessons. And the other one is like doing guitar. And they're like doing well in school. And I overheard the one dad talking to Wallace. And he very kindly I don't know how the subject of like careers came up, But the dad very kindly said you seem like a smart kid. Like, what do you think about, have you thought about what you want to do for your life? And which was very nice of him to say. Wallace says, I want to be a sanitation worker.

[28:00]Yes. I could just hear the guy. That is so good. And the guy goes, oh, well, okay. I mean, I think you could maybe do. And like, to the guy's credit, he like was clearly taken aback. And he was like, I don't know, you could maybe do better than that. Like you're, you're just like rolling around, picking up people's sticky garbage. And my son says, yeah, but can you imagine it's 4 a.m. You could just drive around. Blasting green day as loud as you want. And then Wallace goes, well, I don't know. Maybe I am romanticizing it a little bit, but yeah, it's just like the perfect garbage truck driving around. Blasting green day at 4 a.m. I would be absolutely terrified. I know. Like that's his idea of what a car. What's the age where kids. So like I went and was hanging out with my cousin. He's got a two year old and a one year old. So I was hanging out with a two year old whenever she'd say something. Oh, that's great. Whatever. And play along. Like, what's the age?

[29:00]Where someone like if he's four, this guy doesn't say, oh, I don't know about like that type of job. He'd be like, oh, that'd be great. You're going to drive a big truck and everything. Like what's the cutoff for adults treating children like children are actually saying like, no, that'd be a terrible fucking job. I think I'm right at that age. Like Wallace is nine going on 10. It does feel like this is the time when people would start to push back on that sort of thing. And I wouldn't have like with like, if it were me having a conversation with another kid, I'd be like, well, that sounds cool. What do you like about? Yeah. Being a sanitation worker. But it's also a reasonable perspective to be like, hey, maybe you want to think about something different for yourself because that's hard work. But I think we're right. I think we're like right at that age, like between nine and 10. I got it. I got to kind of wish Matt was here. We got to stop asking kids what jobs they want in the future. It's one of the dumbest conversations you have because then they say it. Then you say whatever you know about that job, which they already know. You know what I mean? Like, oh, that would be, oh, you like working with animals. It'd be tough to put them all down. You know, if they want to be. And like, that's where that conversation goes.

[30:00]And what you really want to say is like, wow, I bet it's really going to suck. Oh, is it a job that you have to go to every day? I bet it's going to suck nuts. And you're going to realize when you're older, it took up a ton of your time. Rob, I've got a fun podcast game. Can we play it quick? And I'm on my summer. Yeah. I want to give Rob, I'm going to give you random jobs like you came up to me and you're going to say, hey, what job do you want to be? And I want to hear how you would respond with like a sick burn about that job. Okay. So you want to hear Rob's burn. Now, what are you, Russell? You're a kid right now. Sure. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Russell's the kid. Okay. Oh, hey, Russell, you seem like a pretty smart kid. What do you, have you thought about what you want to do when you grow up? I'd really love to be a diamond miner. Oh my God. Diamond miner. What is it? What does it have? The finger is still on them. All right. Eric, give me the next one. Give me the next lead in. Okay. I mean, so maybe if a diamond miner doesn't work out, Russell, I'd be like, oh, Have you thought about what some alternative paths?

[31:00]One of my friend's dads is a podcaster. Oh my God. Can you imagine you're talking about peeing in condoms all the time? That's what you want to do with your life? Is that this episode? That can't have been this episode. There's no way. There's no possible way we talked about that in this episode. You know, Russell, you seem great about like thinking logically and problem solving. Have you thought about how you might want to apply that to a career in the future? I really think I would be a great middle school science teacher. Wow. I can highly recommend you don't do that. Hey, do you want all the work of teaching with none of the respect from anyone? And when people talk to you, they act like you're doing the world a great service because You're out. What they're not saying is you're obviously too dumb to go teach high school. Oh, you're too dumb to teach high school. Oh, you really love teaching the scientific method over and over. What is a hypothesis? Let me guess. Do you have a test where it says what is a hypothesis on it? Dumb motherfucker. And then sometimes when people call you a scientist, you have to correct them and say,

[32:00]Actually, I'm not a scientist. I've never, I've never actually done anything. That was a good game. Wasn't it? Yeah. This was the only job available. Yes. I would like to be teaching high school. Of course I would. Oh, oh, do kids ever come back from college and go, Hey what teacher I really Liked? The one from middle school. Nobody says that. Nobody says that. Nobody even remembers their middle school teacher. Do they? Like, no, I bet. I bet you guys can name your kindergarten. First, second, third, fourth, fifth. And probably. And probably a couple of high school teachers. You can't name a single middle school teacher. Not only. Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah. I think you're right. Middle school is a rough time. It sucks. That's a terrible life. It's the worst. Jeez, Rob. You're doing the Lord's work out there. No, it's the worst. It's the worst. And I tell the parents that I go, listen, this is the worst. Nope. I said, anybody who thinks middle school is the. You have no idea. Imagine. Imagine you meet somebody and they say, Hey the favorite time of my life was

[33:00]Middle school. You'd be like, holy shit. This guy's a fucking. Psycho. He would then get in his garbage truck at 4 a.m. And just be blasting green day. That person would be nuts. See, I agree. I don't think ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. I think enjoy kids for who they are now. But I did. I did enjoy overhearing that conversation. Did your son really say the word romanticizing or not? Yes, he did. Yeah, he absolutely did. Yeah, he's a very malicious young man. Russell, how many days do you think you keep trash that you find? As a garbage man. Do you think you're doing that for like two weeks where you're like, hey, man, this is Like DVD players perfectly work. Oh, you think for like the first two weeks they keep stuff and they're like, oh, I got To stop this. Yeah. And then pretty soon you're not even looking. Next thing you know, you've mashed up shredder in the back of your garbage truck by accident. I think like three months without stealing anything and then you kind of have to peak. Like, why would you not? Why wouldn't you? Right. No, maybe. No. What?

[34:00]Stealing. Russell, it's trash. That's free money. You're not stealing. And I'm saying day one, I'm taking shit out of the garbage. No, there's got to be a policy that you're not allowed to take anything, right? There has to be a garbage man policy. I've never heard of that. That's crazy. They're garbage man. Yeah. Yeah. Wear gloves. That's what they signed. It's a contract that says, are you going to wear gloves? Yeah, do it. Are you going to pick up the trash? Yes. That's all you have to do. Russell, I don't care if my garbage man was jacking off, picking up my trash. He's got to come get the trash. It's that important. I don't care. It's not a nanny, for God's sake. It's my garbage man. It's got to get done. If my garbage man came by and said the worst things you've ever heard to my wife, I'd be Like, well, what do you want to do? What are you going to do with the garbage? Sanitation companies and municipalities commonly prohibit employees from taking, salvaging, Or keeping items they encounter on their routes. Please. Oh, please. So workers can't just decide, I'm keeping that TV.

[35:00]It would violate workplace rules. Okay. Rob's frozen. Rob is frozen. Ignore all the riff. Yep. To me, Russell. This is going to be really bad without Matt. This could be tough. I know. Yeah. This could go, this could be tough. It's going to be great content. Bryce, I hope you enjoy this. Is there a chance he's been going the whole time and doesn't know we can't hear him? Yeah. Pretty good chance. He's off on one of his, yeah, one of his angry rants about his career and his life. I'm going to have to take a picture of the way he looks here. Like this would. I know. It's, it's really good. He's trying so hard. Rob, we cannot hear you. He's like trapped in a prism, like a Zod at the end of Superman. And he's just desperately trying to get out of there and talk to us. I didn't think his, any wifi could be worse than his home wifi, but this wifi is terrible. He's got, he's got a bad, he's, he's got to connect this to his phone hotspot or something. This is not doable. He's in there. Just, he's just screaming into the void.

[36:00]Like he can hear us, but we can't hear him. He's like, it's like Matthew McConaughey and interstellar. Like he's just over there behind the blinds. Yeah. All right. Russell rolling going. I think we're on you rolling going. So the other day we got a lot of feedback, from some of our listeners and Rob, you Express some displeasure with me. Cause I had never had captain crunch before. And you guys said, oh, this is clearly the best cereal. And I said, I think I'd had I'd probably never eaten a whole box of it myself. I've maybe had it once or twice. I, I thought it was all peanut butter flavor. You guys told me that's not the way it is. The other day I was out and I decided I was going to pick up a box. A box of captain crunch and Russell, can I ask you this? Yes. How did you feel? Did you have, is it, is this like buying condoms or you had to buy a bunch of Other stuff to go with the captain crunch, like some grapes or some like fiber one bars Or it's, how are we buying this? Are we embarrassed to buy the captain crunch? Cause it is kind of a, it's a, it's a very single guy purchase.

[37:00]You know what I mean? Like it's a very, like it's a very clear purchase. You know what, Rob? I, I, I don't know if I mentioned this, but I bought it actually from a pharmacy, from A Walgreens. And so I was picking up a couple of things from a Walgreens. So this was my only food item that was picked up on this trip. So this was like one of the three things I'm checking out with is this box of crunch berries. Russell buys a thing of crunch berries and a Magnum condoms and alarm goes Off. Boop. Never been bought together before. Like if you saw a guy with a huge dong sitting at a breakfast table, there's no way he's Eating crunch berries. Like there's just, there's just no way. There's no way that's possible. Russell. So what, so you went home now, let me ask you this. Did you put the crunch berries in the microwave? Did you try zapping them for a little bit? Like I've mentioned before? No, definitely not. I've, I've never microwaved a cereal other than like a instant oatmeal. So it would never dawn on me. I know you mentioned it, but I would never dawn on me to do that. All right. Well, okay. So what did you think?

[38:00]So the other thing there, I went to look, cause I was like, I need regular milk cause I'm not drinking the fair life stuff. I don't, I don't know what's all in that. But they don't sound like my kids. They don't have any sound like my kids. So Rob, you'll laugh at this. So I'm looking around in the Walgreens, like the cooler, they don't have any regular milk And I'm looking like what the heck? And then I realized they have fair life milk. That's all they got. Yeah. So I don't get milk. I decided I'm coming home. I'm drinking the upstairs roommates, fair life milk with this. That's Russell. Six bottles in the house. Why not? You are right on with something. Cause there is something about somebody at the fair life factory has fucked up with the Way they do it. The way they make their bottles because kids hate life, fair life milk. If they put fair life milk in a gallon container, that was kind of like, you wouldn't even think Twice. You're right. You wouldn't even, you wouldn't even notice what it is. It tastes exactly like regular milk, but there's something about the container that Looks so sciencey that moms love it. And kids hate it. Kids hate it.

[39:00]God, they hate it. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. So anyways, Rob, I, I did not microwave, but I, I went home. I had it. The box is gone. An A plus. This is a fantastic cereal. I can see why you fucking told me. People, but this was the crunch berries. This was not the original or not a peanut butter or whatever the hell else there is, But it was fantastic. Yeah. And so berries is a great, so good. The other thing is we also caught feedback from some of the guys on the text chain. Some of the guys from Eastwood barrier, wherever, and different places kind of commenting On the lack of not having crunch berries or not having captain crunch. We got to talking. We thought maybe we need to do a tournament for the. Greatest cereals ever. So I am going to start us off today with the greatest cereal ever tournament. We've only got two of you with the tournament. We would do through, it would take majority of you guys. So we'll have to figure out how that's going to go. But I decided to split this up into four regions. Wow.

[40:00]The old man cereal region, the sugar bomb region, the all American region and nostalgia. Those are the four regions we can pick from. We'll get through one tonight, maybe Aaron, but what region do you guys want to go through? Well what? I got to be honest. I was going to ask Aaron, what could possibly be in the all American region? I mean, it's gotta be Wheaties, right? Wheaties is one of them. I know. I'm so curious. I got to do the all American region. I got to hear. I got to hear what's in this all American region. Yeah. We got to know what's in there. All right. So we're going to do the all American region. So the number one seed in the all American region is frosted flakes. Yeah. Oh, that's versus the 16th. Seed crispix. Oh, that's different. Russell, can I tell you this? Rob, you've hit a real problem. Yeah. Crispix famously corn on one side, rice on the other is one of my favorite all time cereals. The way it interacts with the milk, it soaks it up.

[41:00]And if you eat it just the right time, crispix is a mush heads delight. Was this a 16 taken out of one? Literally one of my favorite cereals. All the time. I mean, then I got Rob. If it's your favorite, we got to keep it in there. I'm glad I'll go with you. I'll keep the crispix. I got to admit, if I see crispix or frosted flakes in the shelf, which am I putting in the cart? Okay. Along with some condoms. I got to say frosted flakes. I got to say frosted flakes, but I got to stick up for my boy. Crispix. I think crispix are so good. A 16 C is outrageous. Okay. That's a crazy thing, but okay. There we go. Russell. Now, Russell, can I ask you one question? What made this not alphabetical? Everybody's going to be asking, why are we not alphabetizing this bracket? At first, I was going to do alphabetical, but I didn't want- Too many Fs? A couple things. Fruit loops, frosted flakes. I decided to limit what you could have from one brand or one type.

[42:00]I limited to three, no more than three Cheerios, because I don't know how many there are, But I didn't want the list to have seven Cheerios, and I did not want Captain Crunch To go against Crunch Berry. That's why I thought we needed to break it up a little bit. By the way, there's only one good kind of Cheerios. If you say Apple Cinnamon, I'm going to fucking rage. Go ahead. All right. All American, we're still going with this. Cheerios. This is a two seed. It's Captain Crunch versus something called Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life? Oh what it is? It's life cereal with the cinnamon. By the way, Rob, it's hard to get to 64. It's not easy. I can't wait until we have- I've never heard of Cinnamon Life. When we have cooking. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life. I can't wait to see- Russell, I'm so excited about this. I've been naming other cereals. Of course, Russell, we're going Captain Crunch over Cinnamon Life. Life cereal is bad to begin with. The cinnamon does not help. You know what would help? Some fucking sugar.

[43:00]Make it Frosted Flakes. Get out of here, Life cereal. We don't need you. Well, here's already a miss where I've got a brand facing its own brand. We've got Honey Nut Cheerios at the three versus Multi Grain Cheerios at the 14. Get the fuck out of here. Don't ever ask. I mean, I don't- Aaron. Aaron, what is Multi Grain Cheerio? Isn't that just a regular Cheerio? Is it a regular Cheerio, not Multi Grain? You've got to bump up your fiber, Rob. Fiber. Man, I hate Cheerios, so I don't know. I'm not eating any of those, but I guess I'll stick with the three seed, but I hate all Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerio, all-time Cheerio. Good to go, Honey Nut, Russell. I love it. Isn't the Multi Grain, don't they have different colors as one of the not Honey Nut in the Box? I can't. My internet's too slow. I cannot look up Multi Grain Cheerios. Okay, wait. I'm going to do it right now on my phone. Okay. Okay, Multi Grain- No, don't. No, no. Wait. It's not on the Wi-Fi. Okay, go ahead, Russell. All right. The number four seed, we've got Rice Krispies versus Corn Chex.

[44:00]Multi Grain Cheerios. Going dad mode, getting this and that. Okay. Sorry, Russell. I was talking to my phone. What did you say? We got the four seed Rice Krispies versus Corn Chex. Rice- Wow. Wow. This is such a- You know what? I got to say. It's a mush heads to light. I got to go Rice Krispies, Russell. They get wet. They get so wet in that milk. Oh, they're so good to eat. They make noise. They slurp them down. Yeah, but to me, it gets mushy. Okay, you have the crackles. Nice. I'm going Rice Krispies there, Russell. What do you think? It's not up to me. It's up to you guys. Okay, Aaron, what do you think? I mean, I'm going to go Rice Krispies. I'll go with the Rice Krispies, but I will say you've got Rice Krispies Bar versus Puppy Chow. I don't know. I don't know. If we're talking about other uses. If we're talking about other uses for the cereal, I got to go with Rice Krispies. Puppy Chow, you are making with Krispies. This just shows how ignorant you are. I feel like, Russell, I feel like I am on a podcast as an expert talking with a celebrity

[45:00]Or something. You know what I mean? When they come out, oh, celebrities are going to do pics. Who the fuck cares what Shia LaBeouf thinks about the college football season? I am so far above Aaron in the cereal world. Aaron thinks that Puppy Chow is made with Chicks. It is Krispies. It is 100% Krispies. Jesus. Fuck. Maybe it's Krispies. I still did. I'd go with Chex Mix over almost any other non-cereal use. Actually, you're not wrong about that. You know what? Chex Mix might be. Russell, is Chex Mix on this list? Is Chex Mix one of the cereals? It's not one of the cereals, though. The little brown chips that are also in Gardetto. Somehow, they're also in Gardetto. Those brown chips are getting around. I love them. There is another Chex, though, Rob. It's the 5-12. We've got Apple Jacks at the 5 versus Rice Chex at the 12. I've never had Apple Jacks. I don't know. I gotta go Apple Jacks. They're like Fruit Loops, Aaron, but they're orange. See, this is what I'm talking about, Russell.

[46:00]Don't give me this shit. Don't give me this shit. I'm like that guy in the park who nobody can beat at one-on-one basketball. You know what I mean? Like the old man, but it's cereal. I never had Apple Jacks. Aaron, you've never gotten down with the little boxes where the last one is the Apple Jacks And you have to eat it? You know what I mean? Where you got the fruit cereal always freaked me out, man. The Apple Jacks kind of had a weird pink. Color with like hard red dots that I always thought was very off-putting. Yeah. It is true, though, Aaron. Apple and cereal. You're always like, this is stupid. It's banana. Obviously, it's the only one. All right. Next up is the 6-11. We got Golden Grahams versus Honeycomb. Wow. I gotta go. I couldn't even picture what Honeycomb looks like in my head. Gotta go Golden Grahams. Yeah. And Golden Grahams had some. They had some fucking. You know what else they were, Russell? Is S'more cereal on this list anywhere? Because Golden Grahams, they used to add some marshmallows and a little chocolate. Chocolate Golden Grahams. Then you had S'more cereal. Yeah. Aaron, you're looking at me with a shocked face because you don't even hurt S'more cereal.

[47:00]Okay. Oh, I'm not super obese. That is no shit. All right. This is a 7-10. These are two of my personal. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you? Let me ask you. Did you eat S'more cereal and wear your shirt in the swimming pool when you were younger? I bet you did. I bet those two things are correlated. Would you ever under the words. Correlation, not causation. Right, Rob? Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. I can tell you. There's a hundred percent chance. Ask it next time you see a kid in this swimming pool wearing a shirt. Ask him if he knows what S'more cereal is. He will say yes. All right. This is the 7-10. This is two of my personal favorites. I'm curious to see what you guys think. Frosted mini wheats at seven versus honey bunches of oats at 10. God damn. Oh, that's fish. Russell. This is an incredible matchup. Honey. What is it? It's a honey. Honey bunches of oats. Versus frosted mini wheats. Yes.

[48:00]Frosted mini wheats has one of the best cereal milk interactions that you will find in the game today. You will put milk in that. And guess what? It's gone. It's a fucking. Where'd it go? I don't know. It's like that. What was that sponge they sold on TV? The ShamWow. This shit is a ShamWow that you are eating. It soaks up so much milk. And then you put in more. And then you put in more. But only two bites of the cereal are good. The first two bites of the cereal are good. It's so true. Then what? Then it's weird. Then it gets really weird. Guess what? The pieces are big. Frosted mini wheats. They're not mini, really. They're pretty fucking big. Sometimes they get stuck together and you're like, these are big. But I got to say this. Honey bunches of oats. So popular in my family that it's called grandpa cereal. It is literally called grandpa cereal in my family. And of course, we all know. Also the site of, quite frankly, one of the greatest disasters that ever happened on this podcast. And it is my wife, of course, loves to open. The container of cereal right in my face. Aaron, she does this in my face.

[49:00]She is talking to me about something. Okay. Probably work. Probably an email from work. Something like that. And she is eating the clusters of honey bunches of oats. Okay. War crime. I have. If I went to the hag and I told him that passing by, they would grab her and put her in the hag prison, which is, I assume what's going on. So you're saying I may be misseeded that one by not putting it in the old man region. I, well, to me, it is, I got to say, honey, bunches of oats. Okay. It's named after my dad. Okay. So Aaron, go ahead. Vote against it. Make fun of my dad. If you dare. I know honey. Yeah. Honey. I'm with it. All right. The final matchup in the eight, nine matchup. This is an interesting one. It's the eight is corn pops versus the nine is kicks. In what world is this? An interesting one. They're very similar. Those are very similar though. In what world? Excuse me. Very similar. What'd you just say, Aaron? What'd you fucking just say? You think corn pops and kicks? You know what? I'm turning my fucking video back on so you can see my stern look I'm going to give you.

[50:00]They're pretty similar. I don't know. Your look is frozen. God damn it. I'm frozen on there too. He threw his video back on. He threw his video off. He's so pissed. You think kicks is like corn pops? Is that what you think? I think they're very similar. I think they're very similar. Kicks are flavors of white basketballs. Corn pops are delicious. Delicious. Sugar filled. As my mom used to say, these used to be called sugar. My mom, every time I'd pour a bowl of corn pops, she would go, well these used to be called sugar pops. And I was like, you saying that to get me to not eat it, mom? What the fuck are you thinking? You know what I mean? Oh, I'm not going to eat something that used to be called sugar pops. Aaron. Okay. So we're going to laugh at you for the kicks is one of the worst cereals of all time. All the promises of like tricks because that's the thing. It's like fucking grandma getting you a Christmas present and she fucked up because you wanted tricks.

[51:00]Not kicks. Kicks were the worst. Tricks were good. Hey, go ahead. It's a pretty cardboard flavor. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's the first I can do one more region or we can move it along. We might be getting late, but I'll go either way. You guys should move it along because I want to extend this. All right. And I got it. Roll it. Go on, Rob. I was going with you. And I got to admit, I got to hear what Matt's cereal situation is. I'm fascinated. I can't imagine. Is Matt a cereal guy? Yes or no. Who knows? Let me ask you this. Matt turns out Matt eats the same bowl of cereal every year, every day for the last 30 years. Would that surprise you? He doesn't strike me as a cereal guy, but it wouldn't shock me. It wouldn't shock me if he's got a tight rotation of three options. Yeah. Okay. One of them has brand in the title. That's in the dad. Yeah. That would be the dad. Well, Rob, technically, that would be the number one seed in the old man region. Raising. I knew it. Out West in the old man division. Oh, over grape nuts.

[52:00]That's crazy. That's crazy. I'll give you guys a preview just so you know what's coming. The number one seeds are Raisin Bran in the old man. Wow. Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the sugar bomb. Yeah. Frosted Flakes in the All-American. And for nostalgia, Captain Crunch Berries. Wow. Russell, those are great number ones. Rolling. Go on it, Rob. How's it going with you? Very similar. Very similar to what I'm talking about. I had a friend over today, and I've had him over a couple of times this summer. A friend of a power lifter. He is a candy. He is a candy soda guy, just like me. The first thing he said what the first thing he said when he saw me? And he's like a food safety guy. So he goes around to these different factories, and they'll give him weird shit. He came to our house with a bottle of Heinz ketchup that was a habanero. He goes, yeah, they just gave this. I was like, habanero ketchup? Where the fuck is this? And then he's like, oh, yeah, did you try the French toast Butterfinger bar?

[53:00]And I was like, motherfucker, you and I. We should be married. We should be hanging out. Nobody's ever asked me about the French toast Butterfinger bar. And I was pissed that I had tried it. He was telling me about it. I was like, motherfucker, I didn't get to try that. He comes over. Guess what soda he brought me. Two times he saw me. Guess what sodas he brought me. Baja Blast. Dirty. No, the Dirty Mountain Dew Zero. He brings that to me. A case of it. And the next time he brings a case of tonight, root beer, A&W, root beer float flavored. Have you ever. Have you ever. Have you ever. Have you ever heard of such a thing? What? It doesn't even make sense when you think about it. The name is the thing. It's root beer float. They just added some vanilla. Obviously, they just added some ice cream. The root beer is already there. And I was so excited. Does it taste more like a root beer float or does it taste like root beer? Guess what? It's really good. Unlike the hot fudge A&W from last year, which we still had cans of this year. That's what you know. It's bad. If it lasts around here, it's bad. And what we found out is that the grocery store in the town of my cabin, the guy who owns it must be a

[54:00]Soda freak. Because last year, guess what I was able to buy there? Pepsi zero. Pepsi. Russell. Pepsi. Oh, Crystal Pepsi. That'd be crazy. Russell. That would be insane. Wow. But it was diet major melon Mountain Dew. Now, if you've never heard of major melon. Major melon. Yeah. See, your dot of soda head like I am. Major melon was delicious. But we know what we've established. The other year, last year, too, they had the spicy, the Cheetos spicy Mountain Dew that I made a big deal of. I thought was so good. There. There is some crazy sodas going on. I just want to say I saw this candy soda guy. He and I talked about candies and sodas. That's it. That's all there is. I there's what else? I mean, when I found another adult, those that's into candy, it blew my mind that grocery store. Rob feels like they get the soda. Like when a team loses the Super Bowl, they send them the losing team champion shirts overseas to some country that could use some help.

[55:00]Like this sounds like your grocery store. Is that store? It's like they're getting the drinks. And you know what? People, the thing is, you're totally right. It's like the NFL, the Bill's championship shirts. You're like, oh, my God, where is this Russell? Yeah. If anybody finds a case of diet code, red Mountain Dew or bomb pop flavored Mountain Dew, please get it. Buy it for me and let me know immediately. This is an emergency or the hot Cheeto Mountain Dew. You know, Mountain Dew is really going off. You should look at the Mountain Dew. If my internet worked better, we'd look at all the Mountain Dew varietals. But we can't. We have to talk about the album. Okay. It's time for nobody's favorite part of the show. Hey, Rob, did you know that Mountain Dew was originally made to be mixed with whiskey? Really? That's amazing. That's one of the smartest. Russell, you're kind of a savant. You know that? Wait, that was last episode. I listened to some smart people. What did you do this weekend? Well, I set up a cereal bracket where we pick cereals. And we talked about it for about a half hour and we got through a fourth of the bracket.

[56:00]So that's what I did this weekend. Now. The Modern Lovers. We were talking about the Modern Lovers. My favorite thing, Rob, is you get to put all these up on the Instagram for voting, too. Isn't that what you do for a tournament? I will put it up on Instagram. We will swear to God. If any of you motherfuckers pick kicks, find where you are, and I will hunt you down and let you know. It's just so similar to Corn Pops. I hope people don't make that mistake. I'm about to turn my camera. I'm about to turn my camera back on. I don't even know if I've ever eaten corn pops. I've eaten Corn Pops. I swear to God. I will freeze this podcast one more time. Yeah. Can you imagine a Modern Lovers fan? Like, finally, a podcast about this band? I can't believe it. I've never heard one before. I love Modern Lovers and I love cereal. What can I listen to? So the Modern Lovers. Okay. It's Jonathan Rickman, Jerry Harrison, and two guys from Harvard.

[57:00]Okay. Jonathan Rickman. They record this in 1971 and kind of 1972. And record companies were interested in them. So they go out to L.A. And they get a bunch of tapes by producer John Cale. Aaron, where is John Cale from? Wherever you heard that name before. Velvet Underground. Yes. He is a musician with the Velvet Underground. They had just recently broken up. So now you think, oh, is this band influenced by the Velvet Underground? They got a Velvet Underground member to produce album. But here's the thing. They don't like the way any of this sounds. Okay. They are signed to Warner Brothers. A year. Later in 1973. But the band's already in a big fight. The lead singer wants software music. The other people want different stuff. They don't even release an album together. Instead, what happens is in 1976, a guy for the greatest record company name ever, Berserkly Records out of Berkeley, California. Berserkly Records collects the tapes.

[58:00]Aaron, this is another album that was never officially released. These are collected tapes that this person put together and released as Modern Lover by Modern Lover. And it's been on the Rolling Stone Top 500 list every single time. Every iteration has had this album. Okay. So obviously, because we haven't heard of it, you're thinking, well, why is this album on here? Obviously, it's an influential album. Right. We're talking. And again, guess what? Say it with me. This started alternative music. You know what I mean? Like every single album where you're like, what the fuck is going on? Who's television? They started alternative music. But here's the crazy thing. The two Harvard guys. I mentioned became way more famous than the lead singer. One of them became the keyboardist and guitarist for the Talking Heads. Jerry Harrison. Drummer David Robinson went on to co-found. This makes sense. Drummer David Robinson goes on to co-found the cars. Right. And actually comes up with the name of the band. I don't know why I know that. Oh, wow. And then Jonathan Reichman kept going under the Modern Lover's name, bringing in new musicians.

[59:00]Last release an album as Modern Lover's 2016 at a small hit. Wow. Did he do solo? He did, but he would, the Modern Lover's backing band would just be recession musicians. He would always change it. And then he would release stuff as Jonathan Richman. Jonathan Richman inspired. They might be giants said they were big fans of this. He's been to a first ave a bunch of times. I think he might have a star up. Actually, he hit a song and I'm going to play in the background. It's called Egyptian reggae. Got up to number five in the UK. Just showing again. What the fuck are they doing in the UK? Because when you hear this song, Aaron, you should hear Egyptian reggae. It's even worse than you can imagine. And then finally, where else does Jonathan Richmond, the lead singer, show up? He's the singing guy in both Kingpin and there's something about Mary. There's a guy singing in the tree. That's him. The Farley brothers love putting him in their movie. So let's get into Modern Lover. The first song is probably the most famous Roadrunner. It's an ode to Massachusetts Route 128.

[1:00:00]And the song is actually covered by the Sex Pistols. And a lot of Massachusetts Congress people have been wanting like state senators. I've been wanting to make this the official song of Massachusetts. It's like big Massachusetts Road song. It's there's some of these songs that I can't stand. Some of them I are kind of catchy. I'm good. I thought this was a good start. Yeah, I thought, okay, this is cool. By track five or six, you're like, well, I wouldn't mind here. This is the most famous song. Probably I'm here. What is it? Oh, obviously you talk talking heads. I was thinking talking heads. Maybe the clash a little bit. Yeah for sure. Well The band that I'm now so I mean I'm gonna Yeah, as we go through this album I think I'll enjoy it less and less the more we hear it and then the band that I Used to listen to a lot that sounds like this is the whole steady

[1:01:00]And I don't know now if I could go back and enjoy the whole steady and people used to give me a hard time about like Why do you like the whole steady? It's just like a guy talking about like how to get from South Minneapolis to The 10 Avenue Mall or whatever and not singing and I was like, no, it's cool. I like it And I don't know it was definitely the whole steady guys listen to this And I don't know if it's interesting you talk about the air because one of the things is The road reference in that is Massachusetts route 128. It's about 77 miles long You might think was that the longest road that anybody's ever sung about and the answer is no I have a list of the longest roads and songs Shortest along What shortest the longest so upper we're going high shortest like meaning No, that doesn't make sense now. Here's the thing. Oh Life as a highway is not on this list. I'm just gonna say right now. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to put it on there So bad as a miss. Okay big problem first up born to run by Bruce Springsteen born to run it talks about

[1:02:00]Highway 9 Okay, he's talking about it way nine Unfortunately highway 977 to 80 miles. Okay. It's a little bit longer than the Massachusetts route 128 So we're going up a little bit next up the song America by Simon and Garfunkel. What road did they mention? New Jersey turnpike 117 miles long Okay Now that's a long road Russell do you think they could possibly be It's kind of They're they're kind of sticking it in the boss's face when they're singing about the New Jersey turnpike, right? He should be singing about that 100% Russell the album that came out way before spring steam gave the fucking business and I love it

[1:03:00]Hey, Paul Simon Garfunkel. Isn't he a New Jersey guy 100% you got that, right? Yes Timing I think it's just a little but here's the thing Russell is that what if you see behind Bruce Springsteen? Smoke Riverets, it's a time machine Paul Simon and our guard girl funkel get out. Okay, and they look and say hey, we're from wait I'm confused. No, are they from the future as I was gonna make a joke about his haircut, too Listen moving on highway 61 revisited by Bob Dylan a highway 61 2100 miles Aaron, are you a are you at 2100 miles care you at 2100 miles a question Rob just showed he was a 2,000 every time I do both You want to talk about Russell? Oh, do you see what I'm talking about like the trouble. He's causing I do both

[1:04:00]But what do you wrestle? I'm a 12. I'm a 24 2100. I'm always impressed when people could just do that I'm always impressed when that's the first place they go. I think you sound smarter. I think I sound dumb Big nod from Aaron there next up, of course Aaron Nat King Cole route 66 2,448 miles That's a long road And in fact, fortunately Russell, there is a song that has mentioned to more roads And That is Johnny Cash somebody estimated for this song combining roads this song covers 112,000. I love this one A motorcyclist named Brett Anderson actually went to all 92 locations from

[1:05:00]2017 to October 2019 which at one time is one of the No Man, that's diseased and I got respect I was gonna say it's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard and sounds almost exactly like something about this podcast would do Is be like we should talk about each city in the song. I get such a list Based things Rob, what do you think about instead of 112,000 call on that 0.1 million? Oh my god That's so baller Russell. Hey ball The song about the longest highway Those are great sucks other than that my version of Bob Dylan was I'm gonna edit that out Russell So nobody's gonna make sense. That was not Also honorable mention gold mirroring radar love. All right. Let's see Okay now astral plane By the way, both albums we've done tonight 30 minutes kind of nice. I don't admit 30-minute album is the perfect length

[1:06:00]I Must have been listening to Extra versions that had extra songs on or something all of them have deluxe versions. Oh, yeah This one had alternate takes Rob I think the band is pretty good here Rob's comments are on point like I was gonna say I heard the doors Rob. I can see it as no Says the doors here. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, old world I got the organ in there. Isn't that harpsichord in the back? Was that it? It's the organ. Yeah And you know Jim Morrison also like wasn't necessarily singing a lot of the time I will say this If you played this album for somebody you said what year was this done I don't think many people would say 71 You know what I mean? Like this is literally five years before punk was even named And it's kind of Pre-punk you can see why the sex pistols would cover it

[1:07:00]Okay, next up Aaron me. I'm a man of culture pop Culture Pablo Picasso Oh most famous Pablo Regione according to the upstairs roommate Timberwolves assistant coach We saw at a restaurant once it was one of our most exciting Couples Famous people setting is the Timberwolves assistant coach at a restaurant over in white Zeta Did the assistant coach know you had spotted? I don't think so Can you imagine how excited would you be as an assistant coach for the Timberwolves that somebody recognizes you Had you just go home and stroke it so hard The real interest here's a former player, but the real interesting thing about this upstairs roommate Not too excited to see him. You want to know why? Oh, why we had a playoff came the next day and we got eliminated and she was not happy That our assistant coach would be out eating with his wife and children

[1:08:00]As opposed to being getting ready for a playoff game and I gotta say I agree I agree. Yeah grind the film Even if you're not grinding film, you got to make it look like you know what I mean It could be a hospital spending time with your family This also felt like the doors Now, of course, this was the first dance at my wedding Air, what do you think of this one? I I just I want to hear someone sing for real. I don't know. I like I keep saying like I think the band is pretty good I think some of the tunes have like something to them I want to hear somebody who's like really saying When you find out a velvet underground guy is producing this you're like, oh, I get it Like thinking of him listening to this being like wow, this is perfect. You're like, yeah It doesn't sound like professionally done music. It sounds like unfinished Some of these songs are so bad that to me it should knock this out of the top Like if you have that number these are demos by that hospital sign. They sound like demos. You shouldn't be on the list

[1:09:00]It's not like stuff someone's workshopping which is cool. Like that's great But I don't it's not what I'm going to listen to It's the somebody at rolling stone Gets this on and then looks around the table after they get this band gets on the list and they're like Big I realize you guys can't see me. But big nod big knowing nod of like, yeah, that's right. I know the modern lovers. Oh, you don't Oh, you like shinaya twain With a bunch of good songs that everybody knows it would want to listen to if you're making a podcast about it Fuck you. Fuck you Rob, I did borrow one of your first dance at the wedding jokes and it really hit this week It's been listening to music in the van and the boys wanted to hear master of puppets So we listened to master of puppets at like the day before And then the next day we were listening to on the road again by willy nelson And we it was a husband and wife team were our guides and she said, oh, this was our For this was our wedding song. So then I had to say ours was master of puppets and I was thinking to be Rob It got big laughs

[1:10:00]You can use it anytime. It's always a class. So it always works So the it's it's what's the tv show that brought back master puppets that made it so popular Stranger things. So there's a thing you guys seen have you seen this? Oh, yeah, that's right I forgot. Yeah, so he plays the master of puppets and that brought like the song back It's this huge deal right my nephew Now his parents I believe are getting him a guitar and getting him guitar lessons Because he thought the guy playing master of puppets during stranger things was so awesome That he wanted to learn to play the guitar and I was like, this is amazing. Yeah Yeah, Aaron, guess what my nephew is playing guitar my nephew got a guitar too Guess what songs he's playing. I gave My love a chicken That had no bone That song well Russell knows the deep cuts from that song. Do I love it? No, of course the answer is st. Anger. He's playing a bunch of songs. I'm like say anger

[1:11:00]Really Next is death magnetic. Okay, should have known She cracked I actually kind of like this. Oh again five years before punk is a name Yeah, like this is a groove like I'm I'm down I'm with it. Yeah By the way, not a good boat city. Not a good boat music. Oh god, no Crush the boat song the other day. You know what I played Russell. What's that fly by the chicks Killed by the boat. Great. That album is just smokes Yep, great album That one's way too good someone I care about is the lead singer the least talented person in this band Is that possible? Least talented on the list On the list. Yeah Yeah, it certainly sounds that way Like the guitar is fun to listen to on some of these, right? It's yeah, I think the band is rocking along

[1:12:00]Yeah, the girlfriend the singer wanted to go in a slower direction. Can you imagine slower quieter? I actually would like to hear this covered by somebody who sings a little more It's kind of a clever funny song to me To me if I was a young man, this would be the only thing I could write songs about Yeah, getting a girlfriend thinking about a girlfriend I cannot tell you Aaron how much of my time in middle school and high school Was consumed just thinking about girlfriends like not even like in a sexual way just like the idea of having a girlfriend And somebody would say oh, I'm your girlfriend like wearing a jersey For that's what he's going for in the song like someone who understands I like the piano in the song Like I I don't know like I think this is a legitimately good song I just don't want to hear him sing it Very skeptical

[1:13:00]And I think g i r l f re end is clever like Asking a girl to wear your jersey who's just a friend I mean tough to do you know what I mean Yeah, I just thought of something Aaron had a core memory Julia ask her to the dance guess what she says Yes, no can't make it you got to know not going to the dance Oh, yeah Well, did you wait were you expecting to know where you were you better than getting a yes And then they choose someone else while they're there. This was me shooting my shot This no if I showed up you would think that out. She was like my handler You know what I mean like she was like letting me out of the pit every once in a while She was gorgeous Said no okay Go to the dance guess who's there Aaron? Yes Who's at the dance? Oh, this is gonna kill me. This is gonna kill me. Doesn't it rob shocked if julia were there

[1:14:00]No, it doesn't kill me. I am what 46 years old. Okay. This happened when I was 17 How did you feel when you were 17 when you walked in what's your reaction brutal? And so when you walked in you're not you're thinking when she said she's not going you thought she really wasn't going Oh, that's brutal It's just it's just seen you're for all your friends out without you You know what I mean seen all your friends hanging out together and you're like, oh, I was Everyone's had sinking feelings in life Rob. I could see that be one of them because what are you going to do? You can't just turn around and walk out. But what do you want to do? Oh, just it's it's tough Okay, but it did take all my willpower not to ask her to dance Like that's how dumb I was well, at least you had enough self-respect to not go up Oh, no, I think I was just too scared last song modern world Kind of sounds like I heard it through the grapevine Rob when that happens Do you have like your buddy? Do you have a buddy there that's also at the dance?

[1:15:00]So you can say oh this happened to or do you just have to stew on it and eat it For 40 years on your own without telling anyone No, I don't think I could tell anyone it'd be terrible. I don't Know and I was gonna tell you who wasn't happy about that The girl I took to the dance she did not want to hear about that at all. She did not seem to care I was like I asked her earlier. She said no yet. She's here. Do you know how I feel? Yeah, I do want to talk about this more Turned out to be a lesbian so no big deal. All right, rating system now. Here's the thing Okay Think about that beanbag though, Aaron. Here's the thing. Okay Rating system rolling well tone

[1:16:00]Think about it Really well toad rolly bowed or rolling road. Where do we think this album falls? Why what's the point? Listen? Listen Listen, what's the point? Okay? What are we doing this? I gotta say today almost broke me Listening to these albums And then matt not showing up. I was kind of like it's matt, right? It does matt have a good idea. And here's the thing. I knew he didn't even listen to the albums You know what I mean? Like he didn't listen to the albums yet. He knew that this was the one these were the ones that skip crazy Yeah, what do you think rolling well toned rolling bowed or rolling grown the modern lovers, Aaron What do you think I don't want to say this two weeks in a row and I know we I would bet that brace likes this album and which I wait if he comes on we should ask him So I don't want to shit anybody's stuff they like but would you say you don't want to shit into someone's cereal, Aaron? I don't want to shit in someone's cereal that they like to eat But I would say this I don't want to shit Rob's cord pops. I'm trying to think which cereal you could shit it probably Kicks

[1:17:00]Cocoa puffs Cocoa puffs to be the one where you wouldn't notice it the most. You know what I mean? Cocoa puffs are for me cookie crisp. Honestly, here's the thing Which cereal would blend in with my shit was a conversation. I was just You guys don't want to you guys don't want to hop in with any suggestions. You don't have anything Chocolate oatmeal. Okay. Anyway, here's the thing. What were you talking about? I forgot. Oh, here's the thing Here's the thing is that a thing Yeah, you said it guys Don't tell anybody and I'm gonna edit this out. I'm gonna I'm gonna mail Envelope to myself. It just says chocolate oatmeal inside My god, I'm gonna be so rich Now here's the thing Is there can you have an album that people can still like, Aaron? And I think this is important. I like lots of albums that I know should not be on the top 500 list. I love There's some they might be giant albums. They should not be on this list Okay, but there's still great albums. You can say an album is great without it

[1:18:00]But should this album be on the top 500 rolling stone albums of all time? Just honestly, I know it should not wait. You know, it's not a fully formed Piece of music I would I just want to hear more musicality out of a lead singer from any One who's singing? Oh, yeah, for me, it should be unless rolling ground Russell likes it. Russell, what do you think? Well, I'll tell you rolling bone or rolling groan the modern lovers of modern lovers at first I I was going through it listening to it and some of the songs that just are not for me But I I thought roadrunner was awesome. There was a number of songs that I was kind of thinking Okay, I know I'm not going to love this but I you know here in the doors hearing Talking heads, whatever you want to hear take from it. I enjoyed some of it But man that song hospital or whatever That I can't handle that when you put something out there. That's just not Not ready for prime time to me

[1:19:00]It takes away from everything else on the album and also Rob I listened to a 17 song one hour and two minute version of this And so I also might be painted by it There may be more of those kind of half baked songs At the end of this deluxe version that I really did not like but to me this I agree with you guys. This should not be on the list. I don't really understand why it's this side This is rolling stone doing their pretentious thing whoever's there But like remember when they did the new list they brought in like A bunch of famous singers like I think Jay-Z voted on it Like there was famous artists that voted Who are the famous artists that are voting on this one? Nobody Get out of here. This is some guy at rolling stone. Who's got to be smarter than everyone Probably back and the guy from pavement. Well, that's a good point here The modern lovers I'd love to see what rolling stone said about this album that like What if we're missing something? I mean, I just okay. Here it is 382 the modern lovers

[1:20:00]The modern lovers Jonathan Rickman moved from Boston, New York as a teenager in hopes of sleeping on Lou Reed's couch The influence shows on the two-chord anthem road runner recorded in 72 but not released until 76 Yeah, we already said that lovers turned the tough sounds of velvets into an ode to suburban romanticism Rock and roll was the stuff about natural. It wasn't about drugs and space. Oh, man So even they I mean just that might be the most pretentious write-up. I've ever read in my entire life. Oh And it talks about yeah, it's it's all about the themes. There's nothing about the music I'm going to copy verbatim and put it as the podcast description this episode It feels like the guy at Rolling Stone Rob who went through that girlfriend moment with you That's like I need to know more about music So julia the julias of the world realized they fucked up by not going with me to the dance That's what this guy this vote feels like I I love it Now it does say chat gpd does say Beck has spoken appreciatively of jonathan richman and modern lovers as part of the lineage of quirky stripped down

[1:21:00]Outside a rock that influenced him His connection is particularly easy to hear in richman's approach Deliberately simple songs Conversational deadpan lyrics Humor without turning the music into a joke and almost an anti rock star persona This overlaps strongly with beck's early aesthetic. I could see that Goddamn, we should just be doing the podcast and chat gbt. Just send it out a newsletter. Here's the thing Unfortunately, you guys that was really depressing what I just said by the way. Yeah, here's the thing You guys are incorrect. That's no way. Unfortunately This gets a rolling this album gets a rolling After the bond After the bottom, I think that would work. What bond after spawn after the bone Oh my god, this is another example of why albums put together after the band breaks up should not be allowed on the list Okay, just like this episode might not come out if matt sends us one more text I'm a little nervous about the next text. We're good for matt. Anyway, next week

[1:22:00]Okay, we do randy moss's favorite album by bjork It's post Oh, that's a good example Sometimes you just gotta go back to the basics here But you're this vision of moss running deep down the middle of the field just throwing one arm up Can you imagine you should go and do that once in your life? In the middle of the field you throw the arm up. Can you imagine? Oh, what a feeling Did it better? I want to hear more about this the date going wrong. Rob admittedly like This is my crack hearing about like How you handled these things? Oh, I would guess I was rejected three times for that dance That was one of those dances where I was getting to like by the same moment or different. This is no, no, no, no No, it would be different Women but after a while you're kind of like did you ever take a double rejection? Like two swaths or did you get there? Did you always go back out of the paint if you got rejected? No, no once I got rejected

[1:23:00]I was like the timber wolves against wimby once I got rejected once I was not going in there anymore I was shooting from way outside. Okay. Did you ever get rejected by three chicks at the same time? Oh, that's such a great joke. Oh my god. That's right. I forgot we're still doing the podcast It's time to say Goodbye