The Rob and Jon Show: The Humpty Dance (1990)

[00:00]In 2023, two guys got together and made a podcast that goes over the best songs, according to Rolling Stone Magazine. We literally have done no research, and our opinions are now fact. So sit back and listen to The Rob and John Show, your new favorite music comedy podcast. Tonight, we are recording at 7 p.m. like normal people, okay? We are counting down the best songs from 500, and we are all the way down to number 241. And from 1990, we are limping to the side, like our leg was broken, with Digital Underground,

[00:34]Shock G, and the Humpty Dance. Okay, well, it's not really Shock G, it's Humpty Hump, right? I mean, that's the character he's playing? John, you seem like somebody that would name a character Humpty Hump if you were going to do something. I have to admit. I mean, it's a pretty good name, right? There's no doubt when you meet somebody and he's like, oh, what's your name? Oh, my name is Mr. Hump, Humpty, but you can call me Humpty. I was saving it for when I had... I had a boy, and I had three daughters, so I'm still saving it.

[01:02]What am I doing here? Oh, you know what? Let's just get... When do I play the theme song? Oh, I play it after the thing. So, guys, let's go ahead and turn on our radio. Now, John, correct me if I'm wrong, but on this show, are we bound by what song we're listening to for the parody song that we hear on the radio randomly at the beginning? Well, that's the greatest thing about this, Rob, is we are bound by the Rolling Stone 500 greatest songs of all time. Yes. And, you know, my parody may be coming from number 25 on the Rolling Stone list.

[01:32]Now, let me be clear, John. Are we covering number 25 tonight on this show? Absolutely not. Oh, and guess what? We do what we want, okay? On this show, there's two rules. Number one, it's under an hour. And number two, we record at a normal time at night. And number three, we do parody songs whenever we want, so we're not locked in a box where we spend every week stressing about what song we're going to do. Okay? Can we have a rule number four as we get little kid serials? Yeah. Pricks and shit. Oh, John. At my house, what cereal do you have at your house?

[02:00]You sound like you don't have any little kid cereal at your house. Reese's Puffs can sneak in every once in a while. Oh, my God. Reese's Puffs are so... I remember the first time I had Reese's Puffs, I was like, candy in cereal form? Finally. Yeah. I would love... You know what I would love is like a Twix cereal, but I guess that would be confusing, wouldn't it? It would be. I thought you were going to say you wanted a Mr. Goodbar cereal. It's one of your favorites. No. Although, you know what I am rocking lately? Cadbury eggs. Egg season. It is once again Cadbury egg season. I had one tonight.

[02:30]Okay? It is delicious and it's healthy. There's protein in there, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. It's egg. In effect, you should know this for any egg allergy people, there is egg in Cadbury eggs. You do have to be careful with your food allergy people. Are you serious? There's eggs in Cadbury eggs? There is. Yes. Oh, my God. That would be the... Unless you're in the UK, then when you're in London, you could have gotten an egg-free Cadbury egg. Now, I'll tell you. Do you think I bought a pack of five-carat beer? Cadbury eggs to give to Suzanne and now she's going to get three? Yes.

[03:00]I did. You'll never guess what happened to those two eggs. Why didn't you bring a whole carry-on full of Cadbury eggs home with you? I'll tell you. I should have because those British Cadbury eggs are so good. They literally are delicious. You know what I mean? But they don't have real egg in them, huh? No. That would explain why they didn't fry up so well. That's on me. Hand up. That's on me. That's my bad. Listen, John, we're getting dangerously close. We're wasting time and we will never do that on this show. Actually, you know what I tell the kids at school when I told them the other day?

[03:31]You know what my solemn vow to them was? What? I will never marry their moms. You can't keep that promise. Listen, I told them. I said, listen, would you love to come home and see me, your science teacher, as your stepfather? Of course. Who wouldn't want to come home and also see me there? I'd be playing video games. We're hanging out. It's my brand new family. Okay? I promised them I would never do that. Now. That kid was winning the dad. The lottery. That's amazing. I know. But did I ever promise to not deep dick their moms?

[04:00]No, I did not. Okay? I give. I mean. I will never give my word on that. Okay? No. Now, unfortunately. That would make you a liar instantly. Unfortunately, I have realized one bad thing about recording at seven. My wife is up and in the living room. I can hear every word I say. I did just hear a shriek from the living room. Okay? Hey, Jenny. Jenny, I'll promise you I will never deep dick any of my kids' moms. All right. She doesn't know that I can't deep dick anything.

[04:33]Hey, John. Can we just turn on the radio? Let's see what's going on. I'm going to actually turn to K-John. K-J-O-N. Let's see what's on the K-John tonight. Yeah. All right. Let's listen. Rob sends a text. Now, what are the bets? Parley's galore and so much more. Yes. Keep going. Rose says, you know, Ponzi sent Rob 20 bucks.

[05:01]Ooh-wee, bet so high. Tonight is the night we're going to win it big. Oh, no. What are we going to try? Going to be a millionaire. Oh, for sure. Oh, my God. There's a little harmonica in this, too? Hey, I had the harmonica for Russ. I know how much he loved it. Wow. John, this kind of makes me think. I think about you giving a little sex. I'm not going to lie. Rob asks us now, what do you say?

[05:33]Lakefield Neal says, no green bay. Send up your money and try to keep pace. Texting all night long. Ooh-wee, bet so high. Tonight is the night we're going to win it big. Oh, no. What are we going to try? Going to be a millionaire. Oh, my God. For sure. Of course, we've got to bring it all home with the last verse.

[06:00]Oh. I love this. This is so good, John. Get a green check, it's better than Beck. And a red X is a complete shipwreck. Venmo has no money, I'm coming back. Manny asked me, will you pay? Ooh-wee, bet so high. Tonight is the night we're going to win it big. Ooh-wee, bet so high. Tonight is the night we're going to win it big. Ooh-wee, bet so high.

[06:30]Venmo has no money, I'm coming back. Oh, no. What are we going to try? Going to be a millionaire. Oh, my God. I picture your kids sitting around watching you play this, being like, I love my dad. Just like my kids are walking by. The Rob and John Show. The Rob and John Show. We listen to a song on the radio. We talk about a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. We listen to a lot of things. My kids are walking by. The Rob and John Show. The Rob and John Show. We listen to a song on the radio. We talk about it and then we go. That's the point of The Rob and John Show.

[07:01]Rob and John Show. Rob and John Show. You'll never guess who are the hosts. Why don't you come and listen to The Rob and John Show? Starts right now. Okay, so that's a lie. It actually started about five minutes ago, but what are you going to do? That was beautiful. Thank you. John, I got to say. Listen to the rest of that song. That song is a total fictional song about a fictional gambling scheme that we are running over Venmo. Okay? Yeah. It doesn't exist. It's a great concept. Listen.

[07:30]This is The Rob and John Show. I've got John here. We are talking about one song and one song only. John, are we counting from number 100 to 500 like a bunch of crazy people where we do the best things in the beginning when we're the worst at this? The best part about this show, Rob, is we do whatever the fuck we want. We pick any song at any time, okay? Now, of course, last week we did do a practice show with the song at 2:42, Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis, okay?

[08:02]It was mostly a show about cousins. It will never get aired. I cannot play it, okay? We had some great jokes in there, okay? They were killer jokes, all right? But we just can't do it. So now today we are doing Humpty Dance. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We are going to do it.

[08:30]We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We are going to do it. We're going to do it. We are going to do it. that once got busy in a Culver's bathroom and he was by himself. This guy loves Butterburgers. You know, when you're from Wisconsin, Culver's is the way to go. It's so much cleaner than a Burger King bathroom and I really prioritize cleanliness when it comes to getting down in a fast food restaurant bathroom. I got to say, if you are making,

[09:02]and let's be respectful, if you're making sweet love to somebody in a fast food bathroom, I think it's only nice to pick a Culver's. Can you think of a better spot? Like that's, food court, the mall bathroom, the mall bathroom at a food court. That has to be the scariest place to go into. When you go into a mall bathroom, you never know what you're going to get, right? It's always a huge, like it's a literal crapshoot because if you are using the bathroom at the mall, there's a good chance you're at a very low point in your life.

[09:30]You know what I mean? Rob, I challenge you to a fight club-esque type of a homework assignment. I want you to, next time you go to the mall, food court, bathroom, I want you to go in when it's occupied and someone's in there and I want you to bang on the door like it's an emergency, freaking out. And of course, the person inside there is going to freak out too because you never want to be in the toilet when someone's trying to get in. And then... You know what, John? I'm going to agree with you right now. If you are sitting in a stall and someone starts banging on the door, that's not a place you want to be. I'm going to agree with you.

[10:00]That's, nobody ever, that never happens to anybody. They go, all right, this is my thing. This is what I'm into. Well, there's one guy we know. There's one guy. He would travel through Minneapolis. There's one guy. Yeah, there's the one guy at the Minneapolis airport. But you need to bring this, a concoction of like muddied water, like just looks like diarrhea. And then you start squirting it all over the floor underneath the stall. Oh, no. Like, you know, splashing all over their legs and their feet and shit and like go, oh no. And then get a paper towel and try to clean it up

[10:30]and then throw the paper towel at the guy and run out. I want you to do that. And then at the end, you just drop like three Cadbury eggs. Oh, Jesus Christ. That guy has a real problem. John, the fact that you think that's a good idea and the fact that I agree with you is a perfect reason why we have this show, which is never, ever going to end until we do all 500 songs. OK, we're locked in for sure. Rob, my favorite part of this show is that we're doing daily drops. We are doing an episode a day. Isn't that incredible? Wow, that is. I would I would say

[11:00]that literally is incredible. OK, that's that strains credibility for sure. Now, John, is it possible that when we plan this show, that having two guys who are dirty on the podcast and nobody who laughs loud is a terrible mistake? You know, don't you have some recordings of someone laughing loud? We could just pipe in some laughter. I don't. I deleted. Oh, no, I deleted all of those. Is that terrible? I deleted all of Aaron's laughs. Stupid. We could be could be laughing. You know what? Let's just picture him laughing at us right now. That Cadbury egg bit earlier.

[11:30]He loved that. It's great. So let's get into our next segment. It's it's it's it's time to see what everybody's up to. It's time for what made you say umia this week. All right. So, John, let's start with you. What made you say umia this week? What are you into? What's going on? Give me something that we can Rob, I had the perfect weekend

[12:01]of the entire year, and it happens annually every year. I think I alluded to it in a story in the last time I was on this podcast. On the other podcast, you do the American Berkabiner was this weekend and I participated. And John can imagine John for people who aren't from Wisconsin or Minnesota. What is the American Berkabiner? Well, I mean, funny you say that it is a global event bringing people in from all over the globe. But for the folks that maybe are up in North Dakota that don't get snow, it is traditionally

[12:31]it is a 50 kilometer race from Cable, Wisconsin to Hayward, Wisconsin, point to point. And you finish in downtown Hayward, which is just a little cute small town, Wisconsin, where they have the Freshwater Fishing Hall of Fame, by the way, little plug for you. So you finish on Main Street and it's just like you're in the Olympics. You got people drinking beers, ringing bells, and it's it's a huge party. So it's a great event. So is it? So how many people are racing in this cross country ski race? The event will bring in 10 to 13,000 racers every year.

[13:01]Oh, my God. And you got first. Is that what you said? Well, I said first place. I set realistic goals. Someday this may come back to bite me, but my first goal is to not die. So check. I accomplished that goal this year. Second goal is to finish. I did check. And then my last goal is to not finish last. Again, check. So three for three again this year. I've done it 10 years now, spread out over the last 15 years. It's it's just it's a real good time.

[13:31]So how so this isn't like is it a skate ski race? Like they have both events, a skate and classic. I do the classic, which is a traditional the way the Birchleggers did it back when they saved King Hawken Hawkinson back in 1204. Listen, you don't need to talk to me about that. OK, we talked about that on a couple episodes earlier. For sure. That was that was actually part of our Jay Lee Lewis bit. That's what got us in trouble was there's a lot of that Hawken Hawkinson stuff. I'm pretty sure Lyndon Johnson has a voicemail about the Birkenbeiner. If you want, can we listen to that now?

[14:00]Yeah, yeah. He's wearing those tight ski pants. Well, you can. It's no surprise in why this is my umia. Coming from where we went to school, a very big culture of Nordic skiing. They were a very successful program. I think they still are. Well, in this year's race, because of the lack of snow in the Midwest, they actually made a 10 kilometer loop and you just had to ski loops. And that was nice for me because I got to bump elbows with some really good skiers because they would pass me, right? Because they would get loops, loops done and then laugh me and keep going.

[14:30]And and sure enough, you'd have a handful of these these really good skiers wearing their skin tight St. Olaf uniform. And so every time they'd ski, buy me, I'd shouted him umia. And the best part was as we crested a hill together, obviously he was going much faster and the fans started singing the umia song and I got to sing along with him. I didn't have any gear on identify myself as an only, but I think the fact that I was singing along really, you know, made me part of, you know, that reminds me of a race.

[15:00]I did one race that had to be changed to a loop ever. And that was I did a I was with a friend up. God, where does he live? He lives up in Maura and we did a canoe race. He invited me up. He was like, he was like, Rob, come up and let's do this canoe race. I got a canoe. We raced down this river, right? And I was like, fuck, yeah, I'm going to be in a canoe race. Like this is going to be awesome. You know what I mean? Like what could when I in my wildest imagination, like you could think, but what if Rob, who is a large guy?

[15:30]OK, and I'll say this. I'm larger up top. OK, I'm the opposite of a Weeble. All right. What could possibly happen to such a large guy? Such a large man getting into a canoe. You know what? What happened? You would never guess this race gets moved to the lake because there's not enough water in the river. So we get moved to a lake. This guy comes out, my buddy. I'll just call him Ryan. My buddy Ryan has a canoe. So he's sitting in the back. Now, the guy in the back, if you don't know anything about canoeing, he's doing all the steering. I am in front. I am the powerhouse. I'm ready to go. Let's start.

[16:01]Whistle blows. We are going to do a loop around this lake. We start paddling. And within seconds, I realized that this guy cannot drive a canoe. I don't know why he owns a canoe. I assumed he did. He cannot steer it. We are a disaster. We do not know what... We immediately run into four other canoes, which is almost impossible if you've raced canoes to run into that many canoes. And it turns out

[16:30]that when you have the big fat guy sitting up front, the canoe is very, very, very unstable. Okay? So... We, of course, go about, I don't know, five minutes. The whole time, we're kind of like, oh, this isn't going very well. Like, we're literally, like, making a zigzag around the lake. Like, we're... We tip. Oh, no. We tip all the way over. We hit... Some waves come. We tip all the way over. We are now getting passed by dozens of people in canoes. No, these people are flying.

[17:00]And they're all saying, oh, how are you guys doing? How are you guys doing? And one person says, how did you tip? And I turned to him and I said, to the left. Like, what kind of question is that? How did you be tipping a canoe? How many ways can we tip in a canoe? There's only so many ways. So we paddled to the side. We got out. We bailed it out. I sat in the back. We ended up getting third place. We put the hammer down. So all's well that ends well. That was the end. That was the beginning and end of my canoe race career. But that's... I don't know. There's something fun.

[17:30]Like, how long do you train for this thing for a long time? Like, what do you do? Yeah. One year, my training for the Berkey was last year's Berkey. I hadn't got my skis on at all. And I finished. I hit all three of my goals. It was painful. It really hurt bad. So now, I try to train a bit more. Should be more. Do you have a Nordic track? Do you have a Nordic track at home? We use... In our basement, we have just a regular old treadmill. So I'll get on that and pound out some miles on that. And then, we've got a couple of good courses around me that I can go ski on man-made snow.

[18:01]Or when there is real snow, I can ski. That's the best training. Well, congratulations on the Berkey. Thank you. That is awesome. Sorry. Go ahead. I was going to pass the torch to you, Roland Umayaya. What Umayaya moment inspired you this week? I'll tell you what. Have you ever seen the grapefruit video? Have you ever heard about grapefruiting? I think... I don't think I have. I feel like I should have. This is one of the more famous videos. You can just type in Grapefruit Technique.

[18:30]Check it out. Now, we have a woman here who is giving advice on, I would say, well, we can just listen. This is my bonus technique, the grapefruit. Normally, you can only get this technique in one of my classes, but I wanted to share this with you because I believe every man should get grapefruited. Okay. So, first of all, I just want to say this. How do I get tickets to my wife for one of her classes? I'm just going to say right away. I got to send somebody because you know,

[19:00]like, what a great class to go to. Is she like Andy Dick from old school where she's like a blowjob trainer and she goes in with Hungry Like the Wolf playing in the background with a cucumber? I think that's exactly what is going on here. That is exactly, like, I would say if you find that your significant other is going to this class, you just are like, yes, this is the greatest. Like, my wife goes to like a, like an art, like a sip and paint. I'm like, oh, now we got to paint. Now we got to paint

[19:30]and we got to hang up around the house. No better feeling would he ever get than being grapefruited. So, what you need to do is you need to have a grapefruit. Grapefruit. You want to make sure you get the ruby red. Sweeter is easier. If you are allergic to grapefruit or can't use a grapefruit for your medication, you can always use a large navel orange. I would say for some guys you could even use a tangelo, like one of those tangerines or one of the little oranges. What? I'm doing a fake podcast with a friend. It's a complicated story.

[20:00]No, we're recording it, but then, no, I'm not a loser. Get out of here. It's a real podcast. It's going to have tens of downloads. All right. I got you didn't ask what I'm showing there on the video screen. Now, what you want to do is make sure the grapefruit is room temperature. All you have to do is put it in warm water. Do not microwave it. Do not. Okay, so right there, I'm going to say do not microwave your grapefruit. I got to say, though, if I saw Jenny microwaving a grapefruit, I'd be like, you run in the bedroom as fast as you can. You jump under the covers butt naked. I'd throw away

[20:31]all the other grapefruits that are on the bed. She's like, why does our bed smell like citrus? I'm like, you're sweeping all the old grapefruit rinds underneath. Now, all this that you're doing, he will not see any of this preparation because I'm going to tell you that a little bit later. It's a tricky thing. So this kind of combines David Copperfield, Chris Angel. This is kind of a mind freak. Imagine if both of those guys were giving you oral sex. That's a lot like what this is going to be like. At the same time? At the same time.

[21:00]Oh, is this your card? What? Where did you get that from? Please don't make the Statue of Liberty disappear. You know, stuff like that. So you should have a grapefruit that has two sides missing just like this. Now what you're going to do is you're going to put a hole in the middle of the grapefruit approximately the size of your man's penis. Okay, so you'll never guess what we're going to do with this hole. Well, for me, it would just be the rind that's left. Just, what if she comes in

[21:30]and the hole is way too small? You'd be like, oh, is this what you think? Oh, no. I wonder if that would be a fun game. Like if we said, okay, can you just make a picture of how big you think it is and then we're going to compare it to real life? Like, would that be fun or would that be like something you'd talk to your marriage therapist about? Now, if you take it and make it too big, that's okay. Now, I do want to mention this is 8.3 million views. Okay, so this isn't just some like little, this is the real deal.

[22:00]Because you can always squeeze your hands like the muscles of your vagina. And if you make it too tight, all you have to do is take your finger and push it and push the flesh back. It's just grapefruit. Now, when you grapefruit your man, he has to be blindfolded. There's no ands, ifs, buts about it. Why? If you came to the bedroom with a grapefruit, what is your man going to say? What are you going to do with that? Is it going to burn and all that other thing? I got to admit, she's nailed it. Okay, that makes me think that she is. So if I saw somebody coming into the bedroom with a grapefruit, I have to think

[22:30]one of the first things I would say is, would it burn? Because what's the number one thing we think about with a grapefruit? No, I would be afraid of going up my butthole. That's too big. It's not going to burn. It's still wrapped in its fleshy. I thought you understood what was going on here. I'm starting to realize that you are not quite sure about how we're going to use this grapefruit. I get it now based on her instruction, but say I don't know this instruction exists and my partner walks into the room with a grapefruit. Right. I like to think that your partner walks in with a Kindle and you're like,

[23:00]oh no. That's one of the big ones. That's one of the $200 Kindles. The Kindle Oasis. I'm the guy who doesn't know who knows all the, oh, I wish you used a Kindle paperweight. I know all the different kind of Kindles. Guy who constantly is shopping for Kindles but never buys one. They sell them at Target now. They have their own aisle. John walks out. He's got that security cord down his pants. Hey, you, you're that Kindle guy again. Get out of here. All right. You don't want any of that.

[23:31]So this is what you do. Say, baby, you know what? Tonight, I want to do something a little freakier. I want to suck your dick. He's blindfolded. Your man will blindfold himself if he knows he's going to get some head. So now, she's so right. Again, I got to say, Angel here is right. She is one of, I, if they were like, you need to go stand in this dark closet for a half hour and there's a 50% chance I'll do it, I'll be like, yep, I'll do it. Your man is in the bed. You have the grapefruit

[24:00]already prepared under the bed. He smelled the citrus in the air. He thinks you have on some new Victoria's Secret. I got to say, if somebody, if somebody pulled out something from under my bed, kind of grossed out, right? Like, yeah. What's it look like? If I, right now, John, we went under your bed, what are we seeing? Are we seeing any, is it clean under there? What's going on? Yeah, there's a pile of duffel bags and, yep, plastic under the bed stuff. I'm pretty sure there's a couple of rubber maids. I don't even know what's in them. Yeah, no, it's just one of those things

[24:30]where it's like, hey, what is this? It's an inflatable raft? Why did we ever buy this? Okay. Yeah, my house is just all sea batteries. I don't know. He has no idea and what you're going to do is be a woman of your word. Now, you have to get his penis erect. So, what you're going to do is just suck his dick. That's like you said you were going to do. All right, come on, come on. All right, so, I probably should tell you right now, she has a cucumber, I think, and she is demonstrating, I believe this was an earlier technique

[25:01]she was teaching, but let's see where this goes. Well, once he's nice and erect, what you're going to do is replace the grapefruit from your mouth. Okay. You're going to twist up and down on his shaft and suck the head at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, it's not a cucumber. I saw the bottom of it. It's not a cucumber. Now, ladies, remember, grapefruit is also a fat burner, so you're actually losing weight while you're sucking his dick. Wow. All right,

[25:30]so that is that. I would highly recommend, you know, you could do what I do and just airdrop this around the house and just, you know, airdrop this to my wife's phone, text it to my wife. We should probably post this to our new Instagram account that we created for this show. Oh, my God. The Rob and John So Instagram. This will be the only thing posted to it. Yeah. I think people would understand, like, this is what the show is about. I think that makes total sense to me. John, are you ready? Should we get into talking about the Humpty Dance? It's time for nobody's

[26:01]favorite part of the show. Let's talk about the Humpty Dance. Oh, yeah. God, so brilliant. I could do any, I could do a podcast about whatever I want is what I'm realizing. John, we are talking about the Humpty Dance. The Humpty Dance is from the group Digital Underground on the album Sex Packets. My cousins had this album, but they were like this conservative in this conservative house, so they had this and Too Short and they would hide it and when the parents would leave, we would blast it full volume,

[26:30]both those albums. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so good. It got all the way up to number 11 on the pop chart. This was 1990, so I'm sitting here, I'm like 10 years old. I listened to this song as many times as I could and then when I got to college, this was a Winamp classic. This was a song that was always on any computer I ever owned. Humpty Dance, I would listen to it over and over and over. I knew all the lyrics. I thought this was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. This is a character named Humpty Hump, which again, please call me Humpty.

[27:01]Hump is my dad's name. Mr. Hump, it's my dad's name. What if that was true? That'd be amazing. Oh, my parents, they wanted me to go to med school, but there's no way I could be Dr. Hump. I'm always going to be Mr. Hump. You know what I mean? And so this was the second after Do What You Like. A little unknown fact, if you watch this video, Tupac Shakur can be seen in the background. Yeah, unlike his Biggie Smalls, then you would definitely see him in the background. This was nominated

[27:32]for Best Rap Video in 1990, but lost to probably one of the greatest videos of all time. You Can't Touch This by MC Hammer. And then, yeah, so this is a sample. There's a sample in this from Sing a Simple Song by Sly and the Family Stone. There's a little bit of Parliament in here. Basically, this whole song is about, you know, just kind of how good this guy is at getting girls and then basically telling you how to do the dance, the Humpty Dance.

[28:00]So, John, what is your history with the Humpty Dance? Stop what you're doing because I'm about to ruin this image in the podcast that you're used to. Similar background to you, Rob. This was a forbidden song. It was a no-no to listen in front of adults. I mean, we were just babies when this came out and to listen to it was just freedom and to listen to the content and really have no idea what was going on. It wasn't until I met a friend

[28:30]at St. Olaf who drinks Hennessy that I knew that that was actually a reference to a drink. And when he talks about he drinks all the Hennessy you got in your shell. Yep. Ten-year-old John didn't know what that meant. We didn't have Hennessy. And so, the history is pretty probably similar to yours just based on upbringing and region in which we were raised. But I will tell you as an adult and I looked up, he did, Chakchi passed away in April 22nd

[29:01]of 2021. So, it was only three years ago coming up here. He has a little connection to my hometown. You know, every hometown, small town in Wisconsin has a little festival and of course, he was billed to be the headliner. Really? As sure as you'd know, what do these guys do when they come into the town with their party bus? Well, he was smoking marijuana at a time that it wasn't legal and sure enough, he got a ticket for it. He got a ticket? He got a ticket

[29:30]for being the headliner at a show at a small town. A small town festival. All right, you open up the bus. Let me see your license. I smell skunks. Yeah. Who's burning that rope back there? Mr. Hump, huh? All right, let's see, Mr. Hump. Can you open up all these duffel bags that you have under your bed? Let's see what's in these things. That is so funny. I would, if I got that ticket, if I wrote that ticket, I would have him sign the other copy. I mean, how could you not, right? When we hit the favorite lyric

[30:00]from this, you let me know, okay? Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, pause it for a second. You made the comment, but this is a song that you can identify in one beat. You hear that in the first beat. Every one of us that we know, and if they don't know it, then we should shun them and jettison them out of it. Can you imagine? Can you imagine meeting somebody who doesn't know the Humpty Dance? Get out of here. It'd be embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. So embarrassing. All right, here we go. Yep.

[30:31]You're totally right. Oh, do me a favor. All right, stop what you're doing because I'm about to ruin the image and the style that you're used to. I look funny, but yo, I'm making money, see? So yo, world, I hope you're ready for me. Now, I got to say, okay, that just when you're watching this video and you're looking at him, he's got the big glasses on. Yep. He's got the big fake nose. The prosthetic nose, yep. But there is something about his voice. When we are listening

[31:00]to his voice, his voice is so distinct. Like, you immediately, like when you sing this song, you try to sound like Shakti. You try to sound like Humpty. It just has such a quintessential, to me, this is like, I don't know. It's just like, I've always enjoyed like songs that are supposed to be funny, but are also good. And for me, this is just the top of that mountain. I just love it so much. Yep, there it is right there.

[31:30]Humpty. With a humpty, with a humpty, with a humpty. Yo, ladies. The next lyric coming up is my favorite one in the whole song. I just picture a bunch of rappers in the top 10 and then one of them has to like go out. So like Cool Moe D or whatever, like you're out and all of a sudden Humpty Hump is up there. He's like, dang. I thought that was so good. I'm stepping tall, y'all.

[32:00]And just like Humpty Dumpty, you're gonna fall when the stereos pump me. I like the rhyme. I like my beats funky. I'm spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy. Now, John, do you think I own a shirt that says I'm funky, I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy? You know I do. I know you do. You know I own that shirt. I bet you when you were little you couldn't find it because we didn't have the internet and you took a Sharpie and just a white shirt and you wrote it on your own shirt, didn't you? And I'll tell you what, when you go out and you wear that shirt, the people who compliment it are the people who you want to be friends with. That's just the way it is.

[32:30]They know what's up. If you read that and people will read that and they're like, what's that from? And I'm like, don't ever talk to me again. Okay? Do you not even know Humpty? No, Humpty Hump. Are you talking about Humpty? And again, I got to say again, and I brought this up before, John. At no point in Humpty Dumpty do people say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg. Never. No. Not once. Humpty Dumpty is a man and if you read it like that where Humpty Dumpty has fallen and it is a gory,

[33:01]story that we tell our children all the time, yet in every picture book, Humpty is represented as an egg. It makes no sense. John? It's a travesty, really, to the entire nursery rhyme community that that would happen because you're absolutely right. Humpty is more than an egg. And I'll tell you what, as somebody who looks like an egg, it was tough. I mean, because the nickname was right there. Humpty Dumpty looking motherfucker.

[33:30]I'd be like, hey, just to let you know, he is never referred to as an egg. You know what I mean? Like you just say, you're saying something to the guy right before he beats you up. Like, hey, just to let you know, actually, factually, he was never referred to as an egg. Just something we assume. All right, let's get back to it. Sick with this. Straight against the Mac. But sometimes I get ridiculous. I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice or your fat girl. Come here, are you ticklish? Now, I got to tell you, okay, right away, crackers and licorice. John, what are we, what are we, are we down with licorice?

[34:01]We'll chew on some Twizzlers. But that's it. You know that shitty stuff from the Fleet Farm or Farm and Fleet that's just, they have the black and red and you can make it a straw. It just is like, it's like wax. Yep. Yep. That's, it's one step below runts, right? It's that bad. Oh, John, you know, don't get me going about runts. I could go for a lime runt right now. Okay. My vitamin C is a little low. I could use a little. How about red vines? You down with red vines? Were you going red vines or Twizzlers?

[34:30]What are you doing? I could do red, red vines are okay. Yeah. But they're one step below Twizzler. Twizzler is premium. I know I'm having a real fat guy attack when I am hammering Twizzlers because we'll have Twizzlers around to like give us carbs when we're lifting. Yeah. And sometimes I'll just eat them and I'm like, these don't taste good. This tastes like, it's not great. They're never like fresh. Like if somebody handed me a Twizzler and said, oh, this is really fresh. I wouldn't even, like I can't even picture what that means, a fresh Twizzler. Yeah. I kind of like mine a little bit stale, a little bit of crunch to them. Oh my God, a crunchy Twizzler.

[35:00]Well, not quite crunchy, but you know, it's, it's, it's al dente. It's, it's, I reach under the bed that we share, John, and I pull up a crunchy Twizzler and you're like, wait a minute. This is the greatest day of my life. All right. He's a freak. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. They bleeped it out. The one thing they bleeped in this is the word Burger King. Well, maybe he was at a Culver's. I don't know. But in the background

[35:30]was that Burger King with the mask on. Oh, remember that character? Do you remember when they did the Burger King ad where they turned the Burger King into Mo Williams and Randy Moss flipped him the ball and the Burger King ran it in for a touchdown? Probably one of the, have you ever seen that ad? I think it was local. Yeah. I don't think it was a national. Mo Williams. Are you serious? This was not a national ad? I don't think it could be. I, how could they make an ad like this? Yeah. During the Culpepper era? Yeah. Now,

[36:00]just to let you know, this video only has 150,000 views, much less than the Grapefruit video. 54 comments. Can you imagine working on this Burger King video? Like you work so hard to splice in the terrifying Burger King character into this video and then you are getting demolished by Angel and her Grapefruit technique. Meanwhile, my wife and I do the Randy Moss Mo Williams technique where she catches it and then flips it behind her back. Look it, there's the Burger King. He runs it in.

[36:30]That is a commercial. You know what I mean? And then they show like a long chicken sandwich. It's like, yeah, hell yeah. By the way, have you seen, I gotta say, I gotta say real quick, have you seen the new Subway cookies? No. Okay. Have they made them like a churro? Normally I would say this for the other one. This is a, they are now at Subway making cookies. Foot long, foot long, get your foot long. Foot long cookies. Can you believe

[37:00]it took them this long? I want one of these so bad. Look at this cookie. It's a foot long. I might go get one after we're done. God damn. A foot long cookie? But you know at Subway it's going to be like eight inches. Yeah. Hey, is this cookie really a foot long? You fucking liars. This is a, yeah. God, that looks good. I wonder if they have the macadamia nut. No. What's your go-to cookie for Subway? M&M. M&M? Oh, that's a great call. I'll buy like six to bring home five after my meal. It's, it's. Yeah, hey honey, I brought home a couple cookies

[37:30]and there's just all these. She pulls out a foot long. Okay, now John, you'll never believe what I have under our bed that we share together. You and I. It's a foot long M&M cookie. I'm going to show you something real quick. Okay? It's going to be great. All right, let's go. I'm going back through all these videos. It's the Mo Williams video. All right, here we go. Burger King bathroom. There's no worse place on the planet than a Burger King bathroom. And you can picture a Burger King bathroom, right? You can picture the gray tile with the black grout

[38:00]and like the wood, the fake wood panel tile floor. Yeah. And you just know there has been some of the nastiest things going on in that Burger King bathroom. And yet, you're getting busy in a Burger King bathroom and I don't think he's updating his TPS reports. I don't think that's the kind of busy he's talking about. Flame broiled. Broiled, exactly. You, what do you, you think Burger King? What do you, what do you like at Burger King? What's your order? I love that chicken sandwich that was shown

[38:30]on the Mo Williams commercial. Really? Yeah. It's a good one. It's like on their dollar menu, but it's two bucks. That's how they get you. Okay, first, the footlong cookies aren't, hey, this cookie, like, you just see me getting arrested at a subway and I'm wearing a diaper. I'm in handcuffs getting dragged out. These cookies are 10 inches. Sir, nobody knows about the footlong cookie. Okay? Very few people have been in a subway the last three months. All right. Everyone has just agreed to stop going there. Please, don't get the footlong cookie.

[39:00]Do they think you're going to chop it up? I mean, they must, if you buy that, it's probably like when I have to buy Whippets at the, at like the marijuana shop in town, because I have to buy Whippets to make my whipped cream with. Right. And I say to the guy, listen, I am making whipped cream with this. And he looks at me and he's like, I bet you are. You look like a guy who's going to make homemade whipped cream. I bet if I bought a subway cookie, you would have to turn, if you bought a footlong cookie, you'd have to turn to the person selling you this and be like, like you're on the phone. I would, that's what I would do. Here's what I would do, John. I would fake like I'm on the phone.

[39:30]Honey, yeah, you want to, you want me to get a footlong cookie? Are you sure that you and I and our three kids can split this? Oh, we can? Okay, good. Yeah, I'll take a, I'll take a footlong cookie. You know what? Do you have an M&M one? I'll take one of those too. And then she just sees me mowing this cookie in the car, just crying my eyes out. I'm in my car eating a cookie. But you ate one on the way to the car. You got one that was still left on. Oh, yeah. John's assuming they don't park right in front of the subway when I'm going in there. I better walk a little bit before I go into the subway.

[40:00]What was the worst? Was there a time in your life, John, where you were like, I got it. I have a fast food problem. I haven't hit that spot yet. I mean, I do have a problem, but I'm not going to admit it. When I first got a job where I had to drive somewhere, like my third day of school, I came home. On the way home, I ordered two meals from McDonald's and ate both of them in the car. And I was like, this is the fucking lowest I've ever been. Like, I really had a, like, I kind of sat at home.

[40:30]I think I was, I think it was when I had two sodas in the cup holders. I was just like, Jesus Christ, fuck. You know what I mean? Like, you know it's bad when you're at the drive-thru and you're like, honey, yeah, you want a meal too? Okay, I'll get you a meal too. Sorry, I can hear the dial tone. I've always kept the space clean to avoid that situation because I know it's going to happen where as soon as that cup's gone, I got to get rid of it and throw it on the floor in the back. You have to. And that way, I don't even have those moments of like, there's two meals here. I got a Wendy's bag

[41:00]that's still steaming and my Taco Bell is now being digested. Oh, well, listen, I'm not even talking about two fast food stops. Like, that is not, that is not strange. I'm talking about ordering two meals at one place. That was the low point. And I'm going to edit this out, Did you go around twice? Did you go around twice? Or did you order at once? No, I went around once and just like, was like, give me both meals right now. It was bad. I mean, four burgers, that's too many burgers. I don't even care how big the burgers are. If you're eating four burgers, that's too many. All right, here we go. So Burger King bathroom.

[41:30]Allow me to amaze thee. They say I'm ugly, but it just don't faze me. I'm still getting in the and I even got my We are editing out We are editing out girls' pants. That seems wrong. That's weak. It seems really dirty, actually, when you put the beep on there. It makes it worse. By the way, this video, 47 million views. This is a real, this has about six times the views of the Grapefruit video. So that shows you

[42:00]where great, that shows you where Humpty is. Trying to compare me. I'm telling you, the bass on this song, like you just hear going up and down. Oh yeah. It's so good. When he breaks. Oh yeah. You can't do 69. Humpty knows will tickle your rear. That is. They edited out both 69 and rear in that. Like, is that really, is that really where we were

[42:30]when they made this video that we could not handle the word rear? Because in a 69, my Humpty knows will tickle your rear. That is my favorite line in all of cinema. No. What are we listening to? Music. You're watching like you're watching. You're watching. You're watching. You're watching like the piano or something and at the end he's like, my Humpty knows will tickle your rear. And you're like, God damn. Movies are good this year. Welcome to Jurassic Park.

[43:00]My Humpty knows will tickle your rear. I think they, they edited out of My Left Foot. Yeah. When they were doing that soccer scene and they were saying, save it, Christy, save it, Christy. And he saved it with his nose and it was all about the Humpty dance. And then he said, well, you know, that Humpty knows will tickle your rear. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn that my Humpty knows will tickle your rear. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse and that my Humpty knows

[43:30]will tickle his rear. I mean, all these make sense. It does. You can put my Humpty knows will tickle your rear on every quote and it works. Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. You'll never guess what just happened to me. The witch comes out like, rubbing off her nose. All right, here we go. Do you think, how many people do you think learned about 69 from this song too? Oh, like Hennessy, I had no idea what that meant. I just thought it was funny that a nose was tickling someone's rear.

[44:00]I don't, I just thought it was like this way, not this way. Oh, so you were looking at like a human centipede type tickling your rear situation. Not a getting under checking for the oil type situation. Correct. Yeah, that's true. By the way, I got to say, Aaron did send a text on Valentine's Day that said, oh, 69 guys on top. It made me laugh so hard because I had forgotten about that bit. I was like, and I was explaining that to Suzanne, who happens to be a lesbian, and she was like, guy on top. I was like, oh, it's very disrespectful. It's the worst thing

[44:30]you could do. Did Suzanne watch the Cowboys Thanksgiving? Because the other holiday then. I don't think it's the same. I'm not sure how that works. I don't think it would work as well. I'm still getting paid. I get f***ed by the ladies. You know I'm in charge. Bro, I'm living and my nose is large. I get stupid. I'm shooting out like Cupid. I use a word that don't mean nothing like looped it. That's one of my, I had a sister, my sister had a friend

[45:00]who said that was one of the greatest lines in the song ever where he just said, I use words that don't mean nothing like loop it. I mean, just to make up a word and have it work in a song and sound cool is so great. It's so wonderful. It showed how powerful he was. He's like, I am the coolest rapper of this era and I can make up words and it worked. And it reminds me of one of my favorite movies where they said, hey, there's no crying in baseball. Especially, because I had a how many notes,

[45:30]I don't know. That one actually kind of doesn't work. Well, in that movie, I think there was one of the GMs, he was talking about going home and playing hide the pickle. Maybe that was what you were thinking of. Both how he's living and my nose is large. Go ahead, make my day. Okay. My Humpty Nose will take your rear. I mean, it really does work for everything. Now, do you think the biscuits there, what are they referring to? I've always interpreted as the buns,

[46:00]as a butt, but that's what I thought too. But the motion he just made made it seem like he was going up top. Yeah, there was a hooga hooga. Yeah. People, I remember my dad was always like, hey, just grab him in the biscuits. And I was like, man, it's a good point. Yeah. Thanks, dad. Great advice. And we'd high five. Yeah. And I'd say, I have a need, a need for speed. And also, by the way, in the 69, my Humpty Nose will take your rear. And I was like, what? Wait, did your dad drive the Mellow Yolk car? Moving on.

[46:30]So now at this point of the song is where he, he is going to give you the chance to do the hump. He's going to teach it to us. He is going to teach it to us. Step by step. And it is, yeah. And I think it's important that we actually learn this song. I think it's. Now, is there a dance in a song that less people know than the Humpty dance? Like we've all heard this song a million times. Could you do the Humpty dance right now if I asked you to?

[47:00]I could probably do half of it. I, cause I could live to the side like my leg was broken. Sure. Yeah. I could be twitching and whatever, kind of like I was smoking crazy whack funky. People say you look like MC Hammer and crack Humpty. I mean, I could do all that. But then that, what then? Is that the whole dance? You're just twitching and moving to the side? I think there's some creative licensing you could take. And when I would do the Humpty dance, I would just, I would just like do

[47:30]like hip thrusting motions in the direction of people, which also was okay to do in 1990, but not okay to do anymore. Yeah. And I would say, and it reminds me, I met this guy who had run across the country. Okay. It was crazy. He was run across the country. I actually handed him a shirt. And when he put it on his face, it made a smiley face. And then he turned to me and said, my mother always said, life is like a box of chocolate. And I'm waiting for my kid to not be behind me anymore.

[48:00]And then he said, because in the 69, my Humpty and I will take your rear. All right. So I'm going to have to edit that in because my kid was right there. Can you imagine, can you just imagine you're growing up and your dad is doing this bit? You'd be like, dad, shock G is alive. My dad probably actually would have a podcast about the Mo Williams ad though. The Burger King, Mo Williams ad. Fascinated by it. Big fan of that. Yeah. Big fan. Who's not? All right. Yep.

[48:34]It's the break. This bass. Listen to this. So good. I mean, this. Yeah. And I got to say, he did tell us a little bit about this. He did tell us about himself. Like in the space of three minutes and 13 seconds, he told us pretty much everything I needed to know about Humpty Hump. I feel like I know him really well. is no, he's got a nose on him. Number two, he does enjoy a Burger King bathroom.

[49:00]Number three, he's crazy whack funky and he likes his oatmeal lumpy. Like if he came to my house, I would be able to make him have a good time. That's no doubt. I think we would sit down and we would watch the movie. E.T. And of course, the famous line where E.T. says phone home and then turns Elliot and says in the 60 times by Humpty nose will tickle your rear.

[49:31]John and I are both putting our fingers up to the camera almost like it's a Humpty nose. Wait a minute, John. That's not the finger John's put up to the camera. These are two. These are my biscuits I'm putting up there. Yeah, it's really, really easy. Check it out. Yep. See, this dance. It's just too hard. You know what I mean? It's not. Yeah.

[50:02]Too freeform. It's too jazzy. You know, I think maybe that's the point. John, I think the point is no two people do it the same. Well, yeah, no two people do the same. And I would say to me, I always said, well, I feel like I look like I'm in pain. But it turns out that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah, I mean, is MC Hammer on crack in pain? You better believe it. He's looking for that that next rock. Exactly. And meanwhile, Humpty is saying,

[50:30]you know what? The Humpty dance that you just did? That's the Humpty dance because you know where the Humpty dance is, John? It's inside of us. It is. It is. Well, was it also at the carnival court? Was anybody doing the Humpty dance? It turns out we were all doing the Humpty dance. Now, John, word on the street is that you are going to come to Las Vegas next year. I already bought my tickets. I hope it's the same dates you guys are there. Unfortunately, it's not. Damn it. Okay. You will still have a good time. Now, I'm just going to say this. You may not survive if you come with us.

[51:00]Are you prepared? Are you prepared to die? Well, like the Berkey, I'm going to train for this event. Yeah, you have to. I'll be in my peak shape in mid-January. My advice is find some place where there's a lot of milfs that look like cats. And just kind of observe. Okay? Because that's what was going on. Hey, I live in Edina. That'll be easy to do. I'll just go to the... I love the Humpty dance.

[51:31]Well, you know two people do the same. I mean... It would be a bummer if you were on the dance floor and somebody pointed at you. And we're like, what are you doing? But if you could tell them you're doing the Humpty, it's great. What's your go-to dance move, Rob? What are you doing

[52:00]when you're on the dance floor? I got to say my go-to dance move right now is I'm keeping the feet still and then I'm just kind of... You know what I do? I act like I'm driving the car. This move right here? Yes. The bounce where the one hand is out straight. The other one is like spinning the steering wheel around. You can get a lot of action out of that. You can do a lot of different things. It does look like you're in a Nelly video. I'm not going to lie. It does look like you're going to ride with me. Is it a regular car or is it like a truck? Was that Starsky and Hutch

[52:32]where he did the trucker? He had to shift gears? Are you shifting gears? What are you doing? Well, I would say that Starsky and Hutch, that does remind me of another famous movie, of course. And that is that you can't handle the truth. Of course, from a few good men. And that makes me think, well, and it turns out, you know what the truth was. In 69, how many knows what took your rear? It's that simple. It makes it better. It makes every movie better. Colonel Jessup

[53:05]was doing the Humpty Hump walking out of the stand. Now, I had a friend growing up who thought the best line was this. Where he says Samoans. He calls out Samoans. He's like, Samoans, do the Humpty Hump. Meanwhile, the rock's over there. Yep. You know who I, you know who I think should do the Humpty Hump? Thin Mints. I love those things.

[53:30]Yeah. Well, John, that was Digital Underground, the Humpty Dance. Okay. Song number 241 on the list of the greatest songs of all time. And now it's time for us to get to, our favorite part of the show. It's the popular and patented rating system. And now it's time for everybody's favorite part of the show. The patented and very popular

[54:00]Beck Did It Better rating system. Oh, yeah. Rob and John. Oh, I missed it. I was a little off on that one. Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I kind of missed that one. That's on me. That's my bad. So listen. Okay, this song is at 241. All right. Now, last week's course, we talked about Jerry Lee Lewis. Probably one of the greatest names of all time. Okay. Not a great guy, turns out. We did a little research. Okay.

[54:30]And it turns out a lot of the things we read off Wikipedia, that episode will never come out. That's our Radiohead episode. It's never coming out. At 241. Does the Humpty Dance by Digital Underground. Does it? Tickle your rear. Okay. Does it make your oatmeal lumpy? Or is this lupid at 241? John, what do you think? Tickle your rear, make the oatmeal lumpy, or is it lupid? I think, Rob, you need to explain to our listeners. Tickle your rear?

[55:01]Does that mean it should be higher on the list, which means it's a lower number? Tickle your rear means that it should have been, you love this song, it should be higher on the list, which of course on this podcast would be whenever we want because we just pick songs we like to do. That's it. There is no, there is, we don't go in, we don't go in any order. We are not bound by any rules on this podcast. Okay? It doesn't make your oatmeal lumpy. You don't like the song. It should be lower on the list, which of course would be a higher number, which means maybe we did it already. We don't care. We don't obey rules. Okay?

[55:30]Or is this a little bit, you know what I was just thinking of? What? The reason I paused there. I was thinking of just finding, like what if you like had a grapefruit under your bed for like a week and you just went under there and you're like, oh, I forgot about this. Would that make it better or worse? Worse, John. I will just tell you right now. A rotten grapefruit is way worse. Oh, isn't it rotten in a week? I don't know. I don't fucking eat grapefruit. Do you think you could cut the grapefruit? What if, how about this, John? Okay, let's do this. Let's do a little.

[56:00]Jenny, don't listen to this. Don't worry. She won't listen to the episode. What if this was the one that my wife listened to? She's like, God damn, I love that John and Rob show. You guys got to do more of those. Daily. Well, I mean, part of it would be, I think we talked about her favorite, her favorite movie which of course is Apollo 13. Houston, we have a problem. Take that off. Don't scare her. Okay, so,

[56:31]where were we again? Oh, okay. How about this, John? We take a grapefruit. We set it up. We put it under our own bed and it's a reverse grapefruited where we hand it to it and we're like, hey, put this on. Okay, never mind. All right, so what do you think, John? 241, tether the rear, make your opening lumpy or is it lupid? You know, I've been waiting for... Lupid, of course, means it should be right at 241, John. Okay, it's perfect at 241 which, of course, we would have done at any time because we are not constrained

[57:01]by the rules. I tell you what, I think that the editors at Rolling Stone are smoking crack like MC Hammer. This song is rolling, rolling, tickle my rear because it should be way higher on the list. This should be a top 100 song. To be in the 200s, in the mid-200s, that's a travesty. That is an insult to all of our upbringings and what this meant to us and our becoming what we are today

[57:31]which are perfectly normal adults. Well, you know what song is number one on the greatest songs of all time list? It's Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday, everybody's favorite song. Nobody has ever heard the song Happy Birthday and been mad about it. Everybody's happy about it. But I'll tell you what, if the Humpty Dance was to replace Happy Birthday, you know what I mean? Like you sit down, they bring out the cake and all of a sudden you just hear I mean, you would know that you were going to have a good birthday. Oh yeah. Wow, my family brought me

[58:01]to the Burger King play place. My mom and dad, I haven't seen them for a while. I don't know where they went. Who brought the pickles? My dad bought a mirror ball into the Burger King bathroom. That is so strange to me. You leave it there once you're there, right? Sir, please, you need to buy the breakfast biscuits before you grab them. What if this song was just about Burger King? Like he was just at Burger King and he's like, my nose is long like a long chicken sandwich.

[58:31]They're like, Humpty, you got to stop talking about Burger King so much. We know, yeah, do we all love getting the chocolate pie as a dessert? The classic fat guy thing to get at the Burger King? Of course. It was so good though. It was so good. So good. That was the, you're like, order the burger and order the pie. That's when I knew. When I was ordering that pie and they had to find it and dust it off, I was like, oh boy. But it came in a perfect cardboard case that actually was the size of the pie. It was perfect. It was perfect. It was like, finally a pie I can fit in my pocket. The number one problem

[59:00]I would say with pies is not going in my pocket. Burger King has solved that problem. Thank you, Burger King. We salute you. Now I'm going to go to the bathroom but I'm not going to lock the door if anybody wants to join me in there. All right. So John, you said it was, of course, it was Tickle Your Rear. The correct answer is, John, this gets a rolling Burger King bathroom. Oh! I cannot go into a Burger King without looking in the bathroom and just thinking, maybe that's the one.

[59:30]You know what I mean? Like you can imagine Humpty comes out, he's just like, God damn it. I just got this ticket for smoking weed in Wisconsin. The only thing that's going to make me feel better is a flame broiled Whopper. Yeah. Okay. And guess what? I'm going to have it my way, which of course is in the bathroom crying, jerking. All right. So next up at 242, next week, just like me when I'm out buying protein shakes, we've got

[60:01]the Backstreet Boys with I Want It That Way. That way. Robin John show, the Robin John show. Oh, this doesn't have the same hit, I gotta say. on the radio. We talk about it and then we go. That's the point of the Robin John show. Robin John show, Robin John show. You'll never guess who are the hoes. Why don't you come and listen to the Robin John show? Starts right now. You got to do a joke,

[60:34]John. Oh, fuck. Don't you listen past? Do you turn it off every time we play the theme song? You know, I listen from start to finish. John, I got to tell you, if you're not listening to the part after the theme song, you've missed out on some really good stuff. You've missed out on some really good stuff. I'm more of a classic movie guy. Hasta la vista, baby. Also, in this Humpty, in this 69, my nose will tickle your rear.

[61:00]Jesus Christ, we need Aaron so bad here.