15.5 The Best Rock n' Roll Holiday Songs (Ho Ho House Shoes)

[00:00]In 2020, four friends decided to listen to every one of the greatest 500 albums as decided by Rolling Stone magazine.

[00:05]This resulted in a text chain that celebrated the music, excoriated the order, and led us to making this podcast.

[00:11]We are far from experts, and we promise to do almost no research.

[00:14]All opinions are our own, unless you disagree.

[00:16]Please sit back and enjoy. Beck did it better.

[00:19]Today, we are taking a break, guys. Let's take a little... Hey, you know what? We earned it.

[00:23]Let's take a little break from the list, and we are looking at the...

[00:27]What's the definition of this list, Russell? It's the Rolling Stones' greatest rock Christmas songs of all time. What is it?

[00:32]That sounds about right.

[00:34]All right.

[00:35]It's not as simple as our rating system.

[00:37]I will have a link in the description if you want to listen to these songs, but I guarantee you know all these.

[00:41]We are going through the Rolling Stones list. That is the most creative thing we could think of.

[00:44]But you know what, guys? I agree with Aaron.

[00:46]We weren't going to hang out together, and once again, Aaron kept saying, you know,

[00:49]Scamdemic, Scamdemic, over and over.

[00:51]Plandemic. No, let's switch it up with that.

[00:53]But he has invited us in, so let's have together...

[00:55]I was thinking, let's get together and have a hug.

[00:57]It's a holiday party. Ooh, isn't this fun?

[00:58]Yeah, let's do it.

[00:59]So I'm just going to reach over, and I'm going to slowly...

[01:02]Don't reach too far there.

[01:03]I'm going to...

[01:04]Whoa, whoa, careful.

[01:05]Come on, Rob.

[01:07]Hey, guys, seriously, I'm doing...

[01:09]Just grab a shared bowl of snacks that I've been...

[01:10]Rob, Matt's a married man. Watch that reach.

[01:13]Can you tell Sarah what you did there?

[01:15]Guys, I'm doing the best I can, okay? I don't need the criticism right now.

[01:17]All right, so here we go.

[01:19]Just a little seriousness in the bit, like, guys, please, I'm trying the best I can.

[01:23]Okay, so I couldn't figure out how to turn off the jingle bells and start this at the same time,

[01:26]but let's...

[01:27]Let's turn on the radio.

[01:29]Oh, I love the radio.

[01:31]Welcome to K-Rob, K-R-O-B.

[01:34]This week, we're playing all the Christmas classics.

[01:37]So cuddle with your sweetie in front of the Yule log, make some hot chocolate,

[01:42]and listen to this new hit, the 12 episodes of this funny podcast feed.

[01:48]Oh, yeah.

[01:49]On the first episode of this funny podcast feed,

[01:55]Aaron wants to see feet.

[01:58]On the second episode of this funny podcast feed,

[02:04]Rosselli knives,

[02:06]and Aaron wants to see feet.

[02:09]On the third episode of this funny podcast feed,

[02:14]Matt's a mean old daddy,

[02:17]Rosselli knives,

[02:18]and Aaron wants to see feet.

[02:21]On the fourth episode of this funny podcast feed,

[02:25]Michael's Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[02:27]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[02:28]Records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[02:31]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[02:36]On the fifth episode of this funny podcast feed,

[02:41]looking for wives that swing.

[02:45]It's Michael's Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[02:49]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[02:55]On the sixth episode of this funny podcast feed,

[02:59]bleep joke of the week,

[03:02]looking for wives that swing.

[03:05]Records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[03:10]Rosselli knives,

[03:11]and Aaron wants to see feet.

[03:15]On the seventh episode of this funny podcast feed,

[03:20]sleep in the garage, bleep joke of the week,

[03:24]looking for wives that swing.

[03:26]Records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[03:31]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[03:37]On the eighth episode of this funny podcast feed,

[03:42]dirty big bopper, sleep in the garage,

[03:45]bleep joke of the week,

[03:47]looking for wives that swing.

[03:50]Records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[03:53]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[04:00]On the ninth episode of this funny podcast feed,

[04:05]herbie man's push push, dirty big bopper,

[04:09]sleep in the garage, bleep joke of the week,

[04:12]looking for wives that swing.

[04:15]Once again, this is a one take video.

[04:16]Records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[04:20]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[04:23]on the 10th episode of this funny podcast feed,

[04:30]great rating system, herbie man's push push,

[04:34]dirty big bopper, sleep in the garage,

[04:37]bleep joke of the week,

[04:39]looking for wives that swing.

[04:43]Records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy,

[04:46]Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[04:51]on the 11th episode of this funny podcast feed,

[04:52]great rating system, herbie man's push push, dirty big bopper, sleep in the garage, bleep joke of the week, looking for wives that swing.

[04:52]on the 11th episode of this funny podcast feed, great rating system, herbie man's push push, dirty big bopper, sleep in the garage, bleep joke of the week, looking for wives that swing.

[04:52]records from Russell's mom, Matt's a mean old daddy, Rosselli knives, and Aaron wants to see feet.

[04:52]11th episode of

[04:55]this funny podcast feed.

[04:56]Let it go forever. Voicemail from Krista

[04:58]Grange, rating systems,

[05:00]herbie man's push push, nerdy

[05:03]big bopper, sleep in the garage,

[05:05]bleep joke of the week,

[05:07]looking for why's that

[05:09]swing? I would have done

[05:11]Krista's second. You could have easily come up with

[05:13]11 fake names for her.

[05:14]And Aaron

[05:17]wants to see those dirty

[05:19]feet.

[05:19]On the 12th episode.

[05:22]of this funny podcast feed.

[05:25]We have 12 total downloads.

[05:27]Voicemail from Kirsten

[05:28]Grange, rating systems, herbie

[05:31]man's push push, nerdy

[05:32]big bopper, sleep in the garage,

[05:35]bleep joke of the week,

[05:36]looking for why's that

[05:39]swing?

[05:39]Records from Russell's mom,

[05:42]Matt's a mean old daddy,

[05:44]Russ is selling knives, and Aaron

[05:47]wants to see our wives

[05:48]feet.

[05:49]Woo!

[05:52], when you want to hear about the greatest

[05:55]albums of all time.

[05:57]Here we go.

[05:57]If they were to redo that, that would be Mr. Holland's

[06:01]office and change it with that at the end.

[06:03]People would be moved to tears

[06:04]just like when they heard that.

[06:05]I've got the perfect podcast

[06:11]for you, Jack.

[06:12]Beck did it better.

[06:15]All right, everybody. That was fantastic,

[06:17]Rob. That was beautiful. Happy holidays

[06:19]and welcome to Beck

[06:21]did it better. That's

[06:22]bit was way longer than I thought when I

[06:24]listened to it the first time. That was humiliating to sit

[06:26]here and watch that. But here,

[06:28]you know what? I've got to introduce you. I've got

[06:30]three guys who all separately texted

[06:32]me this week saying, please don't use the joke

[06:34]jingle balls on the episode.

[06:36]So guys, this is going to be a jingle

[06:38]balls episode free.

[06:40]Screw that up. All right, here we

[06:42]go. Rob, I'm like, I'm

[06:44]Rob. I'm in New York. I'm like the Christmas music

[06:46]of this podcast. I'm really fun

[06:48]at the beginning and then after a while you get sick of it because it

[06:50]keeps going on and on. I've got

[06:52]Russ, who's a lot like the Santa of the podcast,

[06:54]but he's less jolly. He also doesn't

[06:56]give us anything, but he's got that kind of

[06:58]look, the silver hair and beard. So we got Russ.

[07:00]Russ, how are you doing? Hey, Rob,

[07:02]instead of one day of online dating

[07:04]rejection, I've had eight

[07:06]crazy nights.

[07:08]I've got Matt

[07:12]in Minneapolis.

[07:14]Matt's like our Frosty the Snowman.

[07:16]He mostly just sits there, but every once in a while he

[07:18]comes in life. God dang it.

[07:20]There you go. Take a

[07:24]swig. All right.

[07:24]Well, thanks for having me, Rob. Glad to be

[07:28]here. And we've got Aaron in California

[07:30]and Aaron has just in the beginning

[07:32]when we were all talking before this, he just kept saying

[07:34]Merry Christmas in a pretty aggressive way

[07:36]and then keeps talking to say that about the war

[07:38]on Christmas. Aaron, how are you doing?

[07:39]Good luck with that.

[07:43]I just got nothing.

[07:44]All right, Aaron. Merry Christmas.

[07:47]We're sorry. We're excited to talk about

[07:49]holidays.

[07:50]With you all. Before we start talking

[07:52]about our favorite holiday songs and what

[07:54]makes the holidays so great. We

[07:56]actually this week, our first ever

[07:58]text message.

[07:59]Oh, a text message. And this is why this is

[08:02]scary. This is the

[08:03]Bexted. They

[08:06]use the Bexted line.

[08:07]How do you Bext? What

[08:09]is the number to Bext? Okay, well, if you want to Bext, just

[08:12]send your age, sex, and location to

[08:14]802-277-2325.

[08:16]That's 802-277-BEC.

[08:19]And

[08:20]once again, if you send any pictures of your feet, I will

[08:22]forward those to Aaron. No questions

[08:24]asked whatsoever.

[08:25]My favorite thing about your song, Rob, is

[08:28]there was no part of you that ever thought

[08:30]once about not having the first thing be

[08:32]Aaron's. Oh, no. Pichon for feet,

[08:34]as you put it. Like, you had to repeat that 12

[08:36]times, didn't you? No, I sat down to write the song, and that was

[08:38]already there. Like, it just came out. It was like magically

[08:40]already. I was like, yeah. It's came to you in a dream, like

[08:42]the Silver Beetles. That's the only rhyme

[08:44]I tried to make. Was it a partridge in a

[08:46]pear tree? I was like, feet. Perfect rhyme.

[08:48]I'm so good at this. This is crazy.

[08:51]Poet, you don't even know it.

[08:52]Didn't even need rhyme.com for that one.

[08:54]So true. So easy. All right.

[08:56]So the text message, this is actually a text message

[08:58]from Houston, from a Houston number.

[09:00]So I think this might be a legit

[09:02]stranger. We did last episode ask for a stranger

[09:04]to call in or to

[09:06]give us a text, and I think we got one. And so here it is.

[09:08]I'm going to read it. Russ,

[09:10]glue of the show, could do his own

[09:12]radio show. Oh, I don't think so.

[09:14]Russ, way to go. I would love that. Russ, the Russ

[09:16]radio show. I would listen to that

[09:18]and then call in and then talk.

[09:20]Over Russ most of the time. I have

[09:22]Matt. Insightful takes

[09:24]quietest.

[09:25]All right. Fitting. Thank you, Matt,

[09:28]for playing off that. I like that when we get a nice repartee

[09:30]going. I think that's really fun and funny for the podcast.

[09:32]Aaron, WTF

[09:34]sometimes. Is he high most shows?

[09:36]No.

[09:37]Aaron, the reviews

[09:40]are in. You suck. Wow.

[09:42]I've never been high for any of these shows.

[09:44]No, this is actually what he's like.

[09:50]Yes, that's just how you function in normal society

[09:52]like this. This is me. This is how I just walk around

[09:54]talking this way. I don't know. If you want somebody that

[09:56]has strong opinions on the Dave Brubeck Five,

[09:58]you are talking to the right guy right now.

[09:59]Well, I have to say, in honor of

[10:01]our holiday album tonight, I am drinking a

[10:04]gin and tonica, and I'm

[10:06]wondering if Aaron's smoking

[10:07]marijuana. I am not

[10:10]smoking marijuana. I don't know where these

[10:11]callers would get this idea.

[10:13]I think that was all from the text message.

[10:15]That was all from the Bex line.

[10:17]What did the Bexter say about you, Rob?

[10:20]Was it from Mike Jones? Was it 281-330-800-FO?

[10:24]We don't need to read what it says about me.

[10:26]Okay, Rob.

[10:26]Let's hear it.

[10:27]It says, Rob, funny,

[10:30]pervy. You know, actually, this is

[10:32]just my, like, this looks like my CV.

[10:34]This is my

[10:36]LinkedIn profile, actually. Yeah.

[10:38]Rob, funny, pervy, Howard Stern-like

[10:40]in a good way. Good showboys.

[10:42]Oh, I mean, that's what he says, good showboys.

[10:44]So there we go. It's a compliment.

[10:46]I gotta say, for the three of us, it was

[10:48]quite complimentary. Aaron,

[10:50]being accused of what the fuck, sometimes

[10:52]is the only I.

[10:53]I don't know if Aaron's gonna sleep all

[10:56]the night, but the rest of us, I think, should feel pretty proud of this.

[10:59]I feel okay about it.

[10:59]So if you want to contact the Bex line, 802-277-2325.

[11:04]And like we said, we are still looking for pictures

[11:06]of feet, okay? I would love to text

[11:08]pictures of feet to Aaron. I would get a big kick out of that.

[11:10]Do you think this guy

[11:12]or gal texted in because they just

[11:14]couldn't get through your message on the Bex line?

[11:16]I haven't changed it in so long.

[11:18]It still is like 10 minutes of me doing it.

[11:20]It's like, hey guys, what's the deal with answering

[11:22]machines? You call

[11:24]and they answer. It's not even a machine anymore.

[11:26]Well, see you later.

[11:27]My other favorite part of this is that the three of us

[11:30]that have no performance

[11:32]history, we've never been singers,

[11:34]we've never been in plays or shows or anything,

[11:36]all got compliments that Aaron

[11:38]who went to school for being

[11:40]a performer is the one getting ripped

[11:42]by our Bexar from Houston.

[11:44]Man, I guess

[11:46]I don't play well in Houston. I'm not big in Texas.

[11:48]I can't imagine you would play.

[11:50]I can't imagine you would play well in Houston, Aaron.

[11:51]I've been to Houston. Yeah, maybe not.

[11:53]Okay, Aaron, just don't say anything weird this episode

[11:56]and I think we're going to be just fine.

[11:57]We'll be just fine. That's never going to happen.

[11:59]All right, so let's...

[12:00]Has this caller listened to my needle drop list?

[12:03]It's a Bexter, Aaron.

[12:03]It's a Bexter.

[12:04]I played Port Arthur, Texas' own UGK

[12:08]in my needle drop list. I don't think this person

[12:10]really is from Houston.

[12:11]I don't think Slobber Dog has made the Houston

[12:14]Top 500 songs in the last few years,

[12:16]so you might get there eventually.

[12:18]Aaron, if you want to look up the phone number, look up

[12:20]Houston 500. That's the phone number.

[12:22]Actually, don't Google that,

[12:26]anybody. That's a joke. It's only funny if you actually

[12:28]know what that is.

[12:29]A bunch of guys in an orgy, and some of them are dressed in a gorilla

[12:32]mask, and it makes no sense.

[12:34]It's a gangbang, and the two guys have a gorilla mask

[12:36]on. What is your search

[12:38]history like?

[12:39]What is your search history like? You don't do this on your work.

[12:42]How to delete search histories.

[12:44]It's a vicious spiral of how

[12:48]to delete histories, and then it just

[12:50]keeps popping up.

[12:51]The tech guys were suspicious. The only

[12:53]websites on my history were how to delete history

[12:55]and then nothing else, and they're like, wait a minute.

[12:57]So when you have

[13:00]the website that says how to delete history,

[13:02]and then you click delete, is that still

[13:04]up there? Will it never go away because you constantly

[13:06]have to Google it? Because when you try to delete it,

[13:08]you're back on the page. It's a terrible, terrible

[13:10]cycle. You can't win.

[13:11]It's like the sequel to that movie Inception.

[13:13]You're just constantly in different

[13:15]phases of deleting your search history.

[13:17]That's like the Houston 500 sequel called

[13:20]Conception.

[13:20]All right, so

[13:22]speaking of Inmaculate Conception, it's the holidays.

[13:26]Let's talk about

[13:29]some of these Christmas songs, but oh wait,

[13:31]what's that I hear?

[13:32]It's a little louder than I thought, but what's that I hear

[13:35]out on the horizon? Why?

[13:37]Guys, look who's coming to visit us.

[13:39]Oh, ho, ho,

[13:41]baby. It's me.

[13:43]It's the Big Bopper Claws.

[13:45]Big Bopper Claws.

[13:47]Oh, Big Bopper Claws doesn't like how this Jingle Bells

[13:49]isn't that long, and it's more annoying than

[13:51]Big Bopper Claws thought it would be.

[13:53]Ho, ho, ho.

[13:54]You might think that Big Bopper did a

[13:57]Christmas song one time, and I'm going to play it for you

[13:59]right now, but my lifespan

[14:01]was so short, baby, I didn't even get a Christmas

[14:03]song. Oh, that's

[14:05]sad. Poor Big Bopper. Yeah, I had

[14:07]one big hit. I actually had two big hits.

[14:09]I had Chantilly Lace, and then the plane

[14:11]hit the ground. You know what I mean.

[14:13]I'm the Big Bopper, baby.

[14:14]That's too soon. That's too

[14:17]soon. That's too soon, Big

[14:19]Bopper Claws. This joke is rolling boned.

[14:21]Seems like Big Bopper

[14:23]made a tactical error and came out with

[14:25]his hardest stuff right off the bat.

[14:27]Anything else would be big trouble, just get

[14:29]it off. So the Big Bopper Claws

[14:31]is going to say, ho, ho,

[14:33]hey, baby.

[14:34]You know what I like.

[14:37]And Aaron, I'm not getting you that for

[14:39]a present. That was sick what you said. I can't even

[14:41]understand how you'd use that. Okay,

[14:43]ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. See you

[14:45]later, Big Bopper Claws.

[14:46]Guys, I'm excited. If I had a time

[14:49]machine, I would go ahead to next

[14:51]Christmas so I could hear

[14:53]Big Bopper Claws part two. I think that's a hit.

[14:55]The character's a great hit. After

[14:57]Matt said that joke was rolling boned, I feel

[14:59]bad that I sent my nieces and nephews a

[15:01]Big Bopper Claws on the shelf.

[15:02]Now I'm going to feel terrible about that.

[15:05]Ho, ho, ho. Big Bopper's

[15:07]watching over you, baby.

[15:08]He knows what you like.

[15:11]He needs to be moved around every

[15:13]day, but don't put me anywhere near that

[15:15]plastic plane.

[15:16]I will say the elf on the shelf in my

[15:19]house has been suspiciously still

[15:21]for the last couple days, and it's pointed

[15:23]out every day, and I'm like, oh, yeah, you guys are

[15:25]probably naughty. I don't know.

[15:26]It's a ton of work. Where do you suppose you put a

[15:29]Chuck Berry doll for on Christmas?

[15:30]Oh, no. Rob, just

[15:33]decline. Huh? All right.

[15:34]Just have at it. We'll delete

[15:37]it. Just go and say what you need to say.

[15:39]I can't. I can't do it, guys.

[15:41]Front or back of the toilet, where does it go?

[15:42]The idea of a Chuck Berry elf on the shelf, that was

[15:45]very, very funny.

[15:45]I get a real

[15:49]kick out of that, I gotta admit.

[15:50]All right, so we are talking about the Rolling

[15:53]Stone's greatest Christmas... Actually, you

[15:55]know what? We should probably do a rolling... I can't believe Rob showed that much

[15:57]restraint. I've never seen him show that much

[15:58]restraint in this podcast before.

[16:00]He's looking at those...

[16:02]Oh, no, no, no, no.

[16:05]No, no, no.

[16:07]Johnny

[16:09]be good at... off in the

[16:11]room next to the bathroom. Oh, baby.

[16:13]You wanted the big

[16:17]papa, you got the big papa. Why does he got that belter on

[16:19]his neck? Oh, no.

[16:20]Oh, this is our

[16:22]holiday episode.

[16:23]I'm going to send you guys

[16:26]this as an outtake.

[16:27]This is like a bad train. It's off the rails.

[16:30]All right, so... Far off the rails.

[16:32]Let's do... I almost skipped

[16:34]rolling going this week. I think a lot of people would

[16:36]probably get really upset.

[16:38]It's, it's, it's,

[16:43]it's time to see what

[16:44]everybody's up to.

[16:45]It's time for Rolling Going.

[16:48]When I put the bells...

[16:51]When I put the bells over the

[16:52]stings, it sounds very festive.

[16:54]Yeah, it's good. It's extra.

[16:55]This is going to be like a clockwork orange

[16:58]where they're going to hear the bells, and by the end, they're going to be

[17:00]conditioned to laugh any time they hear the bells.

[17:02]Pavloks.

[17:03]Dogs.

[17:05]All right, so guys, feel free to

[17:08]hop in any time and say something funny that

[17:10]maybe saved me from myself.

[17:11]Rolling Going, everybody. No, you're doing good.

[17:14]You're doing great. What are you up to? What's going on?

[17:16]Russ, Rolling Going with you.

[17:18]Rolling Going, we're kind of in that festive

[17:20]season. You know, people are starting to give

[17:22]gifts. Not feel good about myself,

[17:24]but so I started thinking about what

[17:26]are my favorite gifts I've ever received, and I

[17:28]was going to tell you guys about some of my favorites

[17:30]and see if you guys remember some of

[17:32]the favorite gifts you've ever received over the

[17:34]years. So... All right.

[17:35]The first gift as a kid that I remember

[17:38]getting that was the greatest Christmas

[17:40]gift I ever got was Super

[17:42]Mario Bros. 3. So we

[17:44]had a Nintendo as a kid, and I remember, you know,

[17:46]we had Nintendo. We didn't have all the games,

[17:48]but I remember opening that up, and it was like

[17:50]Mario 3, and when you're 10 years

[17:52]old, you don't even know this exists, right?

[17:54]You're only aware of Mario.

[17:56]The real losers out there had Mario 2

[17:58]because that was a terrible, terrible game.

[18:00]Mario 2 was bad, yeah.

[18:01]But then, all of a sudden, I remember opening up Mario 3

[18:04]and you're like, what? I can fly

[18:06]if I get this raccoon tail? And I just remember

[18:08]Mario 3 being the greatest Christmas

[18:10]gift as a kid. Whole new possibilities.

[18:12]Do you guys remember the greatest

[18:14]Christmas gift you ever got? You could play as different characters.

[18:16]Like, that was mind-blowing, that it was like

[18:18]different characters with actual different, like, skills.

[18:20]Like, the princess would

[18:22]float longer, and the toad guy was totally

[18:24]useless. He did something, but, like, it was

[18:26]absolutely mind-blowing. Do you remember the

[18:28]favorite gift you've ever got? My grandma

[18:30]Rosie got me a pair of Jordan 1s, so

[18:32]that one's, like, that's etched in my mind, and

[18:34]now they're in my house ready for my son

[18:36]to wear, so that, I've probably mentioned this before,

[18:38]but I remember that. You still have them? I got

[18:40]them, yeah. My mom sent them to me. They're

[18:42]ready for my son to put on. He'll

[18:44]be ready in a year or so, probably.

[18:46]Yeah, Jordan 1s.

[18:48]That's pretty awesome. I remember, I can be, like,

[18:50]I think seven years old, I got, like, a brand new

[18:52]bike that was really cool, and it had, like, checkered

[18:54]padding around

[18:56]and stuff like that, and was the first

[18:58]bike that, you know, didn't have

[19:00]the pedals. When you pedaled backwards, that were

[19:02]the brakes, and, you know, you could, like, spin

[19:04]backwards, and it was like, oh, that's a cool bike. So I

[19:06]remember that, and then I think I got a couple baseball gloves

[19:08]here and there, but nothing, like,

[19:10]nothing too exciting,

[19:12]but, yeah, that's probably fitting.

[19:14]Rob, other than that Chantilly

[19:16]lace Jenny got you for the weekend,

[19:18]what has been your favorite holiday gift?

[19:20]No, I'll tell you what. You know what?

[19:22]I have been giving gifts to my wife,

[19:24]and they have all bombed already this year.

[19:26]Okay? I'll talk about that later, but it has

[19:28]been a disaster of a giving season, right

[19:30]off the bat. I gave her something,

[19:32]oh, I don't want to get into it. Anyway, I would say

[19:34]the best gift, the gift I remember the most,

[19:36]actually, is that I

[19:38]opened this big gift I had.

[19:40]You have to understand, Christmas

[19:42]at my house growing up was, and this

[19:44]might surprise you,

[19:45]pretty overdone. Like, there was a

[19:48]lot going on. We were getting a lot of stuff

[19:50]to the point where we would take a break from opening

[19:52]presents halfway through to have brunch

[19:54]and then go back to opening presents. Like, we

[19:56]had, when I saw other people's Christmases,

[19:58]I was like, oh, this is what a normal Christmas

[20:00]is like, because our Christmas was just, like,

[20:02]obscene, and I loved every minute of it.

[20:04]It was so great, but we'd be like, first we do the

[20:06]stockings, then we all take turns, one at

[20:08]a time, opening presents, so we watch each other

[20:10]open presents. You gotta watch everyone. And we have to

[20:12]comment on it, so it takes forever. It sounds

[20:14]terrible. It sounds horrible. It's just great, and then

[20:16]I would go to some... It's probably why I'm still single. I could never go through this.

[20:18]And then I would go to some other people's Christmases,

[20:20]and I don't want to mention who they are, because they might be listening

[20:22]to the podcast, and they

[20:24]would just all open the gifts at once, and I was like,

[20:26]oh, this is bizarre to me.

[20:28]It's so strange, but I got...

[20:30]So, the end of my story is I got one of those

[20:32]Lego pirate ships,

[20:33]like, the huge ones,

[20:35]and it was unbelievable. It was so awesome.

[20:38]I remember just being so thrilled with that, and then

[20:40]I built it and sat on my shelf for approximately

[20:41]13 years until I moved out, so

[20:44]not a great end to the story, but

[20:46]it ruled. I can remember being on the other side

[20:48]of that, Rob, where my friends Tom

[20:50]and Mike

[20:50]from Richfield, they're... I can remember

[20:54]our house, and we'd go over to their house,

[20:56]and it was just two of them, and it was the exact... I mean, it was like

[20:58]packing bags for

[21:00]miles, right? Yeah. We didn't...

[21:02]We never got, like, guns or anything at our house.

[21:04]You know, and they got all the cool

[21:06]army guns. Oh, like the toy guns,

[21:08]you know? I mean, they got, like, all the cool army...

[21:10]Yeah, no guns in my house either.

[21:11]You know, kind of a thing, and so we were over there,

[21:14]and we just would love going over there.

[21:16]We'd go down to the basement and play war back in

[21:18]forth and stuff like that, so, you know.

[21:19]You probably had a couple friends that were just

[21:22]hanging on only because of all the stuff you got.

[21:24]In my case. When you talk about

[21:26]guns growing up, I remember... That is so sad and true.

[21:28]You guys remember up, up,

[21:30]down, down, left, right, left, right,

[21:31]B-A, B-A, select, start.

[21:33]For Contra, I remember... I don't know if it was

[21:36]an aunt or a neighbor lady who was not

[21:38]happy that we had the game Contra

[21:40]as kids, because it was a game where you're running

[21:42]around kind of shooting these alien-type people,

[21:44]and there were guns in the game, and they were not

[21:46]happy about guns in the game.

[21:48]Oh, well, guess what? You know what? If you don't

[21:50]have good guys with guns, it's just bad Contras

[21:52]with guns. And if she wants alien heads

[21:54]poking out and shooting three fireballs at her,

[21:56]guess who you're going to call?

[21:58]Somebody with a gun.

[21:59]And my gun shoots three bullets in different ways

[22:02]at one time. So what? It's called the

[22:04]Second Amendment. Look it up.

[22:05]Were you guys in Contra where you

[22:08]more remember the spread gun where it would fire

[22:10]the five fire bullets? Or were you a laser

[22:12]where you would pick laser and just

[22:14]have that laser beam going over? I was a spread

[22:16]guy. Were you a laser or spread?

[22:18]Russell, you've played GoldenEye with me. There is

[22:19]nothing I'm worse at than

[22:22]shooting games unless it's sports

[22:24]games. I'm the same. So I'm not that terrible

[22:26]at that shit. I'm the same. I think it's right

[22:28]behind your ability to perform at people's

[22:30]weddings, Aaron. I know, right? That's it.

[22:31]That's the bottom of the barrel for me.

[22:34]And apparently it sounded not high

[22:36]on this podcast.

[22:36]Well, talking

[22:40]for five minutes about Contra is a good start to that.

[22:42]Rolling going, Matt, how's it going with you?

[22:44]Good, good.

[22:45]I've gotten back.

[22:48]We've had a Peloton, Sarah. My wife

[22:50]got a Peloton last March, and I've kind of

[22:52]gotten back into it and all the weather's turning.

[22:53]And I've

[22:56]gotten, I'm not

[22:58]watching the screen anymore. I'm just watching all

[23:00]the names on the side of it. So when you're biking

[23:01]and you're going up, you can see who else is

[23:04]in there and where they're at, what their score is and

[23:06]everything. Yeah, the leaderboard. I see a lot of people passing

[23:08]me when I'm doing my Peloton. I get to check out

[23:10]the names that way. And so I was

[23:12]trying to find, I found a perfect one

[23:14]for you, Rob, of somebody else's name that

[23:16]should be your name. And so throughout the

[23:18]week, I found a name for each

[23:20]of you. Oh, that's great.

[23:21]All right. And so first

[23:24]I'll go with Russell. There was somebody

[23:26]that had Too Much Taco Bell

[23:27]was their name.

[23:29]I was going to change it maybe to KFC

[23:32]because you kept talking about your love of KFC.

[23:34]So we'll change it to Too Much

[23:36]KFC, maybe. All right. I was going to

[23:38]say, if we're just taking a shot at me being overweight,

[23:40]that would not be cool. No, no, no.

[23:41]But to change to KFC, I'm totally down with that.

[23:44]Yeah, I'm going no metal bucket on

[23:46]this end. Rosie,

[23:47]I saw somebody called

[23:50]Sex Laser.

[23:50]So I thought of you. You could be Sex Laser.

[23:54]Are you sure you didn't want to call me

[23:57]Sex Laser?

[23:57]First it was going to be you, and then somebody

[24:00]came up, and I thought, oh boy,

[24:02]this is...

[24:03]This is like the most demoralizing part

[24:06]of my week right now, as men comparing me

[24:08]to Too Much Taco Bell

[24:10]and Aaron's getting compared to Sex Laser?

[24:11]I have to stop recording this podcast

[24:13]right now and go inside and tell my wife my new name

[24:15]is Sex Laser.

[24:17]It's definitely better than

[24:19]Thick Dick, right?

[24:20]There was somebody in Oakland,

[24:23]California, I believe,

[24:25]a 20-something

[24:27]that had the name

[24:29]Sweat, but it's S-W-E-T

[24:32]underscore

[24:33]capital T

[24:35]underscore T-E-E-T-S.

[24:38]So Sweat T-Tip.

[24:40]Oh, what?

[24:41]My spirit animal.

[24:46]Sweat T-E-T-S.

[24:47]So we got Too Much KFC,

[24:50]Sex Laser, and Sweaty Teats.

[24:52]Well, thank you, Matt.

[24:54]Boy, this holiday has started off on a great path.

[24:56]We all feel great about ourselves.

[24:57]I bet Matt's name on Peloton is just like

[25:00]a bunch of blank underscores, like it's

[25:01]underscore, underscore, underscore, like 12 of them,

[25:04]so he doesn't want to have any sort of personality

[25:06]on the thing. He's like,

[25:07]I do not want to divulge my life or anything about this.

[25:09]What's your Peloton name? It's Beige Matt.

[25:11]Capital I,

[25:14]lowercase L, lowercase L,

[25:16]lowercase L, capital I, lowercase L,

[25:17]lowercase L, zero, zero, O,

[25:19]capital O, zero, O, O, zero, O,

[25:21]I, I, one, one,

[25:23]capital I, lowercase L.

[25:25]Have you ever tried to watch

[25:28]eSports? That's what it's like watching eSports

[25:30]where all the players named are like

[25:32]Slayer774, and so when you

[25:34]listen to the announcer, they don't say their real name,

[25:36]they go, uh-oh, here comes Slayer774.

[25:38]I'm like, I'm not watching something where people

[25:39]say something named Slayer774.

[25:41]Here comes Sex Laser.

[25:42]Yeah.

[25:44]I'm going to get a tattoo that says Sex Laser.

[25:47]The fact that Aaron got compared

[25:49]to Sex Laser, I no longer feel bad

[25:51]if Rob makes jokes about his feet

[25:53]fetish over and over. You can have

[25:55]at it, Rob.

[25:56]It's be shown. Sex Laser.

[25:59]Aaron, rolling, going. How's it going with you?

[26:01]Oh, man, it's going really good.

[26:03]I'm super excited to be here talking about

[26:05]holiday tunes with you guys. Russell, you

[26:07]asked about the greatest gifts we've received.

[26:09]I got my first early Christmas

[26:11]present from my lady tonight. It is

[26:13]some Birkenstock house shoes.

[26:15]You opened it?

[26:17]Yeah, well, what happened is my other

[26:19]house shoes broke, and she was like, well,

[26:20]you know, spoiler alert.

[26:22]What are house shoes?

[26:25]I mean, I thought

[26:27]at first I thought you were sneezing.

[26:29]Oh, shoot.

[26:29]Yeah, I mean, I don't like to feel

[26:33]like crumbs and stuff under my feet.

[26:35]It kind of skeeves me out.

[26:36]Okay, wait, now, wind it back. You don't

[26:39]enjoy what under your feet?

[26:40]I don't like to feel like dirt or crumbs or anything.

[26:43]Like, you know, if I spill in the kitchen, I don't like to

[26:45]feel that under my feet, so I don't fuck with shoes in the house.

[26:47]Yeah, nobody

[26:49]likes to feel crumbs and dirt under their

[26:51]feet, Aaron. You are not alone in the idea

[26:53]of not liking crumbs. Nobody's like,

[26:55]oh, what massage did you sign up for? Did you get

[26:57]the chocolate massage or, like, the oil?

[26:58]Oh, no, I got the one where they rub crumbs

[27:01]all over me. My kids

[27:03]are going to eat a bunch of Cheerios in the backseat,

[27:05]and the massage therapist is going to take those

[27:07]and then rub those roughly

[27:09]into every part of my body. Nobody wants

[27:11]crumbs on them, Aaron. That is

[27:12]not a reason to have house shoes.

[27:14]So I was wearing

[27:16]Havaianas flip-flops for a long

[27:19]time, which were nice, but they broke,

[27:20]and

[27:21]my lady was like, don't buy new house

[27:24]shoes. Guess what? I got you some

[27:26]for Christmas, and they're beautiful. They're Birkenstock.

[27:29]They're lined on the inside.

[27:31]I just, I walked around, I felt like a king.

[27:32]I felt so good. So that was excellent.

[27:34]That's so good, because I got Jenny the greatest

[27:37]gift. I got her an advent calendar that

[27:38]has different coffees in it,

[27:40]and she was like, oh, these are coffees.

[27:43]I wanted the espresso one.

[27:46]What the fuck? Like, I just

[27:48]got you a gift. I give up. I'm not

[27:50]getting her a gift this year. I swear to God, guys.

[27:51]Okay, not to put a damper on this holiday season.

[27:54]Okay? Maybe this

[27:56]will help. I am not buying my

[27:58]wife a gift. She is too nasty to me when I buy

[28:00]a gift, so fuck her. I am not getting a gift.

[28:02]Thank you. Happy holidays.

[28:03]I have one other thing

[28:06]rolling going that I'm super stoked about.

[28:08]We got takeout tonight from the

[28:10]Cookin' Her Farmer. Shout out Cookin' Her Farmer in downtown

[28:12]Oakland. I got the Big Sur Melt, which

[28:14]is a grilled cheese that has shrimp in it.

[28:16]I got the Big Sur Melt, which is a grilled cheese that has shrimp in it.

[28:16]I got the Big Sur Melt, which is a grilled cheese that has shrimp in it.

[28:16]I got the Big Sur Melt, which is a grilled cheese that has shrimp in it.

[28:16]This thing is mind-blowing.

[28:17]And I somehow...

[28:19]Spilled half of it on the floor and then stepped all in it.

[28:21]And I walked out of it with all your house shoes.

[28:23]I conquered my

[28:26]desire to eat the whole thing.

[28:28]I hate stepping grilled cheese and shrimp on the floor.

[28:30]Isn't that the worst feeling? Don't you wish you had shoes?

[28:32]One third of it.

[28:34]You know what? When I talk like this

[28:36]and you guys just talk over it, it's like when Ghostface

[28:38]just wraps over a whole track.

[28:39]Ghostface will just throw down a track.

[28:41]He'll just throw down a Freddie Jackson track and wrap over

[28:44]the whole thing without even taking it out. That's what I'm thinking

[28:46]about when I'm talking to you guys who talk.

[28:47]Keep going.

[28:48]I saved one third of my grilled cheese to eat

[28:52]after our recording tonight. I'm so

[28:54]excited because usually I go inside and eat like a bunch

[28:56]of crackers or something because I'm just like on such a

[28:58]high from enjoying...

[28:58]And then where do the crumbs from those crackers go?

[29:01]This is the problem. You're eating crumbs

[29:04]only food. You're having crispy

[29:06]sandwiches and crackers. Bro, you gotta get some

[29:08]non-crumbs food in your life.

[29:09]Jell-O, my man. Say hello

[29:12]to Jell-O.

[29:12]Have you guys kind of heard the term gaslighting where people...

[29:16]They do things just to kind of

[29:17]light your fire a little bit. They kind of keep doing

[29:20]something a little bit just to see how you're going to react.

[29:22]The story goes like for gaslighting

[29:24]people, there was this guy and he would

[29:25]slowly change the lighting in this person's

[29:28]house over and over and over

[29:29]and they thought they were going crazy and part of me

[29:32]wonders if Aaron's wife is like slowly

[29:34]sweeping all the crumbs under where

[29:36]Aaron's going to step in the morning just to see

[29:38]him freak out.

[29:38]Why is this house so crummy?

[29:42]It's just his side of the bed covered in crumbs.

[29:43]Oh, have your kids done that?

[29:45]My kid did that the other day. She ate something

[29:47]in my bed and I was like, what is going on?

[29:49]Why would I get into bed? Is there crumbs?

[29:51]And of course my wife is like, why are there crumbs

[29:53]in the bed? And I know what she's thinking. She thinks it's

[29:55]me. I'm like, I'm not eating in the bed.

[29:57]Please.

[29:59]I have standards. I'm not eating in this bed.

[30:02]Having kids is the worst.

[30:05]Okay, let me, wait, wait, wait, real quick.

[30:07]Having kids is one of the worst decisions

[30:09]I've ever made. Happy holidays,

[30:11]everybody. Thank you. Crumbs in my bed.

[30:13]I need a Birkenstock bed sheet.

[30:15]I need like a rubber sheet, but instead for piss,

[30:17]it's for crumbs.

[30:18]Instead of for whips and

[30:21]chains, it's for crumbs.

[30:22]Rob, roll it going. How's it going

[30:25]with you? I'll tell you what, Christmas

[30:27]in New York, okay?

[30:29]The holidays in New York, one of my favorite times to be

[30:31]in New York. I love it. I love all the lights. I love the

[30:33]dumb window displays. Everybody's in a good

[30:35]mood. Like, I wear my Christmas

[30:37]sweaters out, you know, like the one I have on

[30:39]now, the magic of podcasting,

[30:42]where it's a Santa holding

[30:43]weights and it has a bag that says gains.

[30:45]I love it. I can't get enough of it.

[30:47]The only problem is there are some things that are harder

[30:49]to do in New York during the holidays,

[30:51]and one of them is

[30:53]getting a tree.

[30:54]Getting a holiday tree

[30:57]on one hand is not easy. A couple years ago

[30:59]they were not selling any on the island I

[31:01]live on, and so I had to go into

[31:03]Manhattan, buy a tree,

[31:05]take the tree down into

[31:07]the subway system with me.

[31:09]Oh, I'd rather whack over crumbs every day of my

[31:11]life than do this. You took a Christmas tree into the subway?

[31:13]Did they wrap it up? Yeah,

[31:15]no. Well, yeah, I don't know if they

[31:17]did. So was it like full out or did they like...

[31:19]It was a little bit out. I was able

[31:21]to fit it through like the ticket thing, but I had to

[31:23]like scan my ticket and then take the tree through

[31:25]and then I had to wait for a train holding

[31:27]a tree and then I had to get into a car

[31:29]holding the tree and my kids were

[31:31]absolutely mortified and then come up

[31:33]the escalator with the tree.

[31:34]I hope Rob put it in the stand

[31:37]before it had to like drag around the stand

[31:39]the whole time too. It wasn't just the tree, it was like

[31:41]the metal stand clanking down the

[31:43]subway steps. I did get a good picture though. You know how

[31:45]everybody like gets a picture with their tree like out in the

[31:47]woods, you know, like, oh, this is the tree we're going to cut

[31:49]down or whatever, unless you're mad and you're like, I'm not

[31:51]going out to the woods. I don't want any family experiences.

[31:53]But I got a picture

[31:55]of me with a tree in the middle of Second Avenue

[31:57]just standing like traffic is like honking

[31:59]at me trying to get by it. I'm there with my tree.

[32:01]All right. So

[32:03]let's get into, I guess I want

[32:05]to talk to you guys a little bit about the holidays.

[32:07]What do you think?

[32:09]Do you guys have any fun holiday traditions

[32:11]for your family?

[32:12]When I got married to Sarah,

[32:15]I started dating Sarah. Her and her

[32:17]mom and stepdad would go

[32:19]every year and they'd go on a Christmas

[32:21]light drive. And it was literally, you go

[32:23]and you get the worst fast food you

[32:25]could get. Usually

[32:26]what's the

[32:29]camera?

[32:29]Parties.

[32:32]Racks. Little white covers.

[32:34]Literally, you would go get White Castle.

[32:37]You drive around, look at

[32:39]That shit will make you go blind. Look at blowups

[32:41]and stuff. Russ is sponsored by Taco

[32:43]Bell now. He only wants Taco Bell.

[32:45]Gotta get this back on track here, Matt.

[32:47]And then, you know,

[32:49]so you just have a good time looking at all the decorations.

[32:51]And it was, at first I was like,

[32:53]what? Just gonna drive around. But it's been great.

[32:55]Listen to Christmas music and see what

[32:57]everybody else is doing. And so that has turned

[32:59]it, we've brought our kids along now and stuff.

[33:01]It's turned into one of my favorite family traditions.

[33:03]We used to,

[33:06]since we've been living in the Bay Area, we used

[33:09]to go out in North Beach, where

[33:11]Russell's been out as well, North Beach

[33:13]in San Francisco. We used to stop by the Bay Area.

[33:15]The Fairmont Hotel, see their big Christmas tree

[33:17]up there, and then

[33:18]get the hell out of there and go to a dive bar

[33:21]and get blind drunk and then maybe have some pizza

[33:23]and catch a Lyft home.

[33:25]Then, since we had

[33:27]our son, we also brought him to the Fairmont

[33:29]once in a while. My newest

[33:31]Christmas tradition... How does he react to you getting blind

[33:33]drunk and then getting in a Lyft?

[33:34]Well, not anymore. We don't get drunk

[33:37]anymore. You drive home now, you don't get in a Lyft.

[33:39]Terrible. Aaron and his wife

[33:41]sit in the back seat while his son sits in the front seat

[33:43]and he talks to the Uber driver.

[33:45]Hey, how long have you been doing this?

[33:47]Are you from here? If I'm going to go out

[33:49]tomorrow night, where should I go? Aaron's

[33:51]son is quite the chatty fellow.

[33:53]Excuse me,

[33:55]I clicked silent ride on my app.

[33:57]Don't talk to him. Thank you.

[33:58]So the newer ones are now we

[34:01]eat tamales and watch Love Actually.

[34:02]And my latest

[34:05]one that I'm really trying to make a thing

[34:06]is every year, this is the third year in a row now

[34:09]that we watch Bill Murray's Netflix Christmas special

[34:11]because I love it so much.

[34:12]And I'll probably bring it up again several times

[34:15]as we talk.

[34:15]Let's talk about Christmas music.

[34:16]Russ, what about you?

[34:18]We have a, my mom's side of the family

[34:21]every year, we kind of do one of the dice game things

[34:23]where everyone brings a gift.

[34:24]We used to do kind of the white elephant gift where people

[34:27]would bring some old crappy thing

[34:29]from their house. And then finally, enough

[34:31]people just said like, hey, I don't want

[34:33]someone's old law school books

[34:35]in a huge, in a huge tub.

[34:37]Listen, I don't want anyone's law

[34:39]school books in Russ's family. We don't know

[34:41]who brought the law school books. That definitely

[34:43]wasn't a very specific reference that Russ is

[34:45]making to when he himself killed the white elephant

[34:47]thing. To be fair, this

[34:49]was my uncle's law school books. They weren't mine

[34:51]but it would easily be something I would do. I remember

[34:53]we used to do, someone brought

[34:55]this thing of Beano, like the stomach

[34:57]antacid, and that went on for years and years

[34:59]where people would keep repackaging

[35:01]it. So we have a couple of family things

[35:03]where we do dice game gifts. We've kind of, in my

[35:05]one side of the family, moved on to where

[35:07]people bring actual kind of nice

[35:09]things within like a $20, $25

[35:11]range. And I've kind of reached the point where

[35:13]I just bring something

[35:15]I want and expect to

[35:17]take it back. So a few years

[35:19]ago, I brought this kind of like Game

[35:21]of Thrones card game and I'm like, I probably

[35:23]only have a cousin or two that might take this

[35:25]but I'm going to take that back

[35:27]and I'm not going to end up with

[35:29]the thing of coffee or

[35:30]the wrench or the random

[35:33]work gloves that Matt would probably be

[35:35]better at when he's cleaning my gutters. So

[35:37]I try to bring something I'm going to

[35:39]want and not something I want

[35:41]to give anyone else. What do you guys think?

[35:42]How do you take the gifts back? You have to do

[35:45]like some. Yeah, that's just good. Yeah, we

[35:46]have a we have a steel rule where you roll

[35:48]the dice, you pick the gift, you open it

[35:50]and then you get like three more minutes of rolling

[35:52]the dice. And when you roll doubles, you get to take

[35:54]a gift from someone else. And so I always

[35:57]just figure if I bring something that's

[35:58]not that exciting, but that I want, I

[36:01]can get it back. Perfect.

[36:02]Russ is there with like a pornographic

[36:04]pornographic magazine.

[36:05]Well, that was like three years ago. It didn't go over

[36:08]very well. That's why my family

[36:11]doesn't listen to the podcast either.

[36:12]I'll say one more one more.

[36:14]A tradition that we ever

[36:15]my Richfield family and you guys

[36:18]know a bunch of Brandon was on

[36:20]and Sarah in Atlanta. But we've

[36:22]since we're about 14,

[36:24]15, 16 years old is a huge group

[36:26]of us before we were all married. They would watch

[36:28]a Christmas vacation

[36:30]every year. Thanksgiving night

[36:32]we'd go to we'd

[36:34]have fun. We'd go to champs the night before

[36:37]and then we'd come over and we'd go to

[36:38]somebody's house and watch Christmas vacation

[36:40]on Thanksgiving night. Now it always kick off the

[36:42]the season. And so

[36:44]watching that that's a another

[36:46]is there a better Christmas movie than that when

[36:48]Chevy Chase loses his mind about getting the

[36:50]gift card for the jelly of the month club and he's

[36:52]like he just completely

[36:55]loses it. There's not a better scene

[36:56]in Christmas movie history than that scene

[36:58]right there. Gremlins

[36:59]I love gremlins. I think gremlins is

[37:02]fun. There's a more people that actually

[37:04]die in that movie than you remember when you show it to your

[37:06]kids. I'll just put it that way. Okay

[37:08]don't the only better

[37:10]scene I can remember is the one we talked about before

[37:12]where they eat off Macaulay Culkin's

[37:14]fingers at the end of Home

[37:16]Alone in the in the director's cut.

[37:18]I always love that one. The guy gets

[37:20]a nail. I mean speaking of house shoes

[37:22]he could have used some house shoes when he put the nail through

[37:24]the foot, right? That was always the one that got

[37:26]me. I that was the one that was more painful than

[37:28]me than me them slipping on the ice or like

[37:30]you know, all that iron to the head.

[37:32]Yeah. Oh, no, I'd rather have

[37:34]an iron to a head than a nail in the foot.

[37:36]Oh, no, thank you. That deleted

[37:38]scene where Joe Pesci suffered from CTE

[37:40]for like the next 15 years of his life.

[37:42]They deleted that at the end of the movie when

[37:44]they're pulling the bad guys out in the ambulance and his kids

[37:46]come up and go. Oh dad, you know, we know you're just

[37:48]stealing to feed us. You had

[37:50]the mill shut down last year and you're just trying

[37:52]to make money and this mean old

[37:54]kid took it away from you. We're so sorry.

[37:56]We're going to we're going to starve with you in jail

[37:58]and he's like, I'm sorry kids.

[37:59]It's my second favorite deleted scene behind

[38:02]the one where the dog shits on the plane right next

[38:04]to the mom when she realized they left

[38:05]Kevin on the at home

[38:07]flying first class.

[38:10]My one of my favorite things about the holidays

[38:12]are the cookies. My wife is making some of the greatest

[38:14]cookies of all time, but the problem is she made the best

[38:16]batch first and then every whether

[38:18]one she has is she's the says this is good and I'm

[38:20]like, no, it's not like the first batch was perfect.

[38:22]You screwed all these up. What's your favorite

[38:24]holiday cookies? You guys. I mine is the

[38:26]sugar cookie with the peanut butter cup

[38:28]pushed down into it. I think it's the perfect cookie

[38:30]a peanut butter. Not

[38:32]the not the Hershey kiss.

[38:33]No, that's for amateurs.

[38:35]Oh, I'm an amateur hour. The guy then I

[38:38]like the peanut butter blossom or whatever. No, the

[38:40]Hershey kiss in the middle is too hard. Like you

[38:42]got to like you bite this cookie. It's nice

[38:44]and soft and then you get to Hershey kiss.

[38:45]My favorite holiday

[38:48]cookie is if

[38:49]and my wife's family, they don't like to eat

[38:52]the honey

[38:53]and at the end of the story is going to be like fucking

[38:56]candy canes. He's going to like

[38:57]it's going to be like gluten free crackers.

[38:59]No, no, no, no, no,

[39:02]my favorite sweet treat about

[39:08]the holidays is the when the

[39:10]like my wife's family. They don't

[39:12]really get into eating the fatty part of a honey baked

[39:14]ham. So they'll like slice off all the fat and like

[39:16]leave it in the tray and then it kind of

[39:18]sits down at the bottom with all

[39:20]the honey. Yeah, right. And like all the honey

[39:22]glaze kind of drips down and mixes with the fat

[39:24]and if you can like pick up a good handful of that

[39:26]and put it on a nice like sweet

[39:28]roll like a bun.

[39:29]That's good. That's my favorite sweet treat at Christmas.

[39:32]So you think the fatty part of

[39:34]it. Jesus Christ. My wife just brought the dog

[39:36]in dogs.

[39:36]Hey, stop coughing

[39:39]podcast

[39:41]to get that Mike

[39:43]shield back. So

[39:45]he might show one of my good friends and

[39:48]doesn't make sense.

[39:49]So

[39:52]Aaron, you think the sweet in your mind, a

[39:54]sweet treat is the drippings

[39:56]off a honey ham that you put your

[39:58]hand in in the bottom and eat that gelato

[40:00]is good. Yeah, that's what I like. Yeah.

[40:02]Have you, when's the last time Aaron, can

[40:04]I ask you a question? When's the last time you have bought and

[40:06]consumed a candy bar? When would you

[40:08]say that is

[40:09]that's wild that you can't think of it. That makes

[40:12]me question a lot of decisions I've made in my life.

[40:14]I could tell you your

[40:15]life or today. I could tell you

[40:18]like how many that would be the question

[40:20]for me. I live above a Dwayne

[40:22]Reed for God's sakes. At least we've moved

[40:24]away from Aaron talking about his gelatinous

[40:26]goo. It's my favorite

[40:28]sweet treat. So we're

[40:30]talking about cookies. Like what I like is when all the

[40:32]fat on the ham gets down there and then it cools

[40:34]down. It gets real slimy. I'm not helping

[40:35]spread it between my toes.

[40:37]So every time I step around

[40:39]so mushy

[40:41]or we talk about

[40:44]I can't talk. I can't talk the peanut butter cookies

[40:46]with chocolate kiss. That's the best cookie. But I do

[40:48]think that the sweet glaze on

[40:50]the honey ham and the fat

[40:51]maybe we should move on. You're

[40:53]high. No, we can keep talking about your gelatinous

[40:56]goo. Yeah, no, no problem.

[40:57]All right. So let's get into our

[41:00]music. This is a, I will have the list up

[41:02]and curated. I don't think it's going to be in the right order,

[41:03]but Rob, this was definitely called the greatest

[41:06]rock and roll Christmas holiday songs

[41:08]by as decided by Rolling

[41:10]Stone. Perfect. And we all remember

[41:12]that. What do you think? What makes

[41:14]a good Christmas song for you guys?

[41:16]It's going to be

[41:20]loud. I don't like Christmas music.

[41:21]I thought

[41:24]we could at least make this song for

[41:25]before someone asked Matt, what does he think of this song?

[41:28]I'm shocked. You know, some

[41:29]of the, some of like the best artists, it's like, oh,

[41:31]I was watching the, I was watching

[41:33]the, uh, the documentary

[41:35]today on, on Clive

[41:37]Davis. And, uh, you know, he,

[41:39]he's the one who, uh, he found

[41:41]Kenny G, right? Nobody had ever had like

[41:43]just a musician. Oh, well, we got

[41:45]one album. Great. Two albums. Great. Oh,

[41:47]we're a little stale. What do we do? Oh, put

[41:49]out a Christmas album. You know, like I feel like that's what

[41:51]always happens and you get one or two

[41:53]great ones, right? Like Mariah Carey comes

[41:55]along, but then who doesn't

[41:57]have a Christmas album out there?

[41:59]I can tell you the big bopper doesn't. I

[42:01]actually looked a lot for a big bopper Christmas

[42:03]song. It did not work, you know,

[42:05]but I mean, yeah, I mean, so

[42:07]it's great. I'm look,

[42:09]I'm not a shocker that Matt didn't want to do this episode.

[42:12]Yeah. Who doesn't have a

[42:13]Christmas album? Well, Beck does it better. It has

[42:15]one. Yeah. So, I

[42:17]mean, it, do I get excited to listen

[42:19]to Christmas music? Not all

[42:21]that much, but obviously there's

[42:23]some great songs out there. I think personally

[42:25]the best ones are the, the old

[42:27]timey ones, 50s, 60s

[42:29]that have a little bit of a big band,

[42:31]swing to them. I think

[42:33]it's more just from a nostalgic

[42:36]standpoint. All right. We've got

[42:37]Run DMC Christmas in Hollis.

[42:40]Oh my God. Really?

[42:41]What do you mean? Really? Everybody's

[42:44]got a Christmas album.

[42:44]Well, that's how Run DMC felt too about

[42:47]this. And they

[42:49]said they initially said no.

[42:51]Such a great way

[42:53]to start our list. And they said every time

[42:55]we go into a grocery store, somebody's yelling this

[42:57]these lyrics at me all through the

[42:59]holiday season.

[43:01]Then they sold a million albums, made some money, so

[43:03]it's all good. Yeah, there aren't that many hip-hop Christmas

[43:05]songs, so I like this one's on there.

[43:06]You know who else questioned

[43:11]this as a Christmas song? What?

[43:13]Is Bruce Willis in the movie Die Hard.

[43:15]Christmas movie? The beginning

[43:17]of the movie Die Hard, which is a Christmas movie.

[43:19]He gets into the cab. It is a Christmas movie. And what are

[43:21]they playing in the cab? Check it out.

[43:23]Hey, that'll work. Yes.

[43:31]What does he ask here?

[43:32]Is there any Christmas music?

[43:33]This is Christmas music.

[43:35]Yeah! Is that Christmas music?

[43:38]Hell yeah, it's Christmas music.

[43:39]I do love

[43:42]this song. I think it's so good.

[43:44]It's great. I love the scratches

[43:46]on there are super clean. The sample's great. I think

[43:48]it's nice. When you talk about

[43:50]the sample, did they sample something

[43:52]before? Where did Run DMC

[43:54]get this from? So they actually got this from

[43:56]the 1968 track of

[43:58]Clarence Carter. It's called Back Door

[44:01]Sanctuary. Okay, Aaron, don't laugh at this, Aaron.

[44:03]Is Clarence Carter the same guy who sang

[44:05]Stroken? He did, and if you thought that

[44:07]Stroken was just a one-time thing where he thought of

[44:09]a sexual entendre and he wanted to use it as a song,

[44:11]you are incorrect because this is

[44:13]one of the... There's a

[44:15]lot of horny Christmas songs on our list tonight.

[44:17]I'm not going to lie. There's some horniness going on

[44:19]with these holiday lists,

[44:20]and this is one of the most horny.

[44:23]No, no.

[44:27]Oh, oh.

[44:28]What? What?

[44:31]Can you imagine if anybody actually called you Back Door Santa?

[44:33]I make all the little girls

[44:35]happy. Oh, no.

[44:36]While the boys are out to play.

[44:39]My favorite. Here comes an entendre.

[44:41]Very subtle. See if you can pick it up.

[44:42]I ain't like old St. Nick.

[44:44]He don't come

[44:47]but once a year. So real subtle.

[44:48]Oh, my gosh.

[44:50]More than once a year.

[44:52]I honestly feel like Clarence Carter is

[44:55]my spirit animal. That's what they chose as the sample.

[44:56]Yeah, I agree with you, Rob. He's your guy, Stroken.

[44:58]But apparently they were really resistant to do

[45:01]a Christmas album in the first place,

[45:02]and the big reason is that Curtis Blow

[45:04]had already released a song called Christmas Rappin'.

[45:07]Okay? Now, they did

[45:09]avoid the pun of the wrapping paper,

[45:11]which is what I would have called it, but

[45:12]okay, pause for laughter

[45:15]is what it says here, and in 1979, they didn't

[45:17]want to look like copycats, so let me play

[45:18]a little bit of Curtis Blow

[45:20]Christmas Rappin'.

[45:22]Parentheses paper if you want some notes on your title,

[45:24]but okay.

[45:25]Now I'm the guy named Curtis Blow

[45:28]and Christmas is one thing I know.

[45:30]So every year, just about

[45:32]this time, I celebrate it

[45:34]with a rhyme.

[45:35]Yo, that's the same guitar like that Next uses for Closer.

[45:38]Ah, I wish I had known this.

[45:40]That's what I was going to say, Aaron.

[45:44]You stepped right on what I was going to say.

[45:46]Is it wrong of me that I like this

[45:48]rap where they just told a story and like

[45:50]the same voice the whole time over the same repeated

[45:52]beat? No, that's so nice.

[45:54]By the way, I just want to point out, Curtis Blow

[45:56]Christmas Rappin' paper is

[45:58]an eight minute long song.

[46:00]Just love it. Eight minute long Christmas rap.

[46:02]Next up, we've got

[46:04]Happy Xmas. Are you guys

[46:06]Xmas people or Christmas people?

[46:08]What do you do? Do you write Xmas sometimes?

[46:10]I make it a point to not

[46:12]write Xmas. I think it's a shame.

[46:14]Okay? I honestly do.

[46:16]I write Christmas. Okay, you guys do not

[46:18]have a strong opinion. So again, the podcast

[46:20]happens like this. It works like this.

[46:22]I say things. Whether or not you

[46:24]guys actually have a strong opinion, you say something

[46:26]back. So you don't like efficiency?

[46:30]Oh, I love the word

[46:32]efficiency on the podcast.

[46:33]I'm just afraid to say anything because you're going to just start talking

[46:36]anyway.

[46:36]Oh, wow. Wow. Jeez. Okay, so this

[46:40]might be our last podcast except for the one

[46:42]we're releasing after this. Sexual laser fired.

[46:44]Oh, we decided to go off

[46:46]script and do a Christmas episode.

[46:48]Oh, here we go.

[46:49]That's usually when everybody starts jumping the shark.

[46:52]So, Matt,

[46:56]in your mind, this is our equivalent of

[46:58]Run DMC doing Christmas in Hollis, is this

[47:00]episode? I know. Everybody wants to hear

[47:02]a Christmas song. Yeah, we're cashing in.

[47:04]Yeah. Cashing in. Wait, did we play

[47:06]John Lennon yet? Who hasn't?

[47:08]Okay. Fuck off,

[47:10]everybody. Okay, wait a minute.

[47:11]Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[47:13]You know what, guys? Fuck

[47:16]off. I'm doing the best I can.

[47:17]Happy holidays. Guys,

[47:20]imagine combining, oh, something fun like

[47:22]holiday songs. Listen, like Matt said, everybody's excited

[47:24]for it and the Vietnam War.

[47:26]Here we go.

[47:27]John Lennon gets it.

[47:30]Now, listen,

[47:32]I know that it's kind of falling out of fashion

[47:34]to make fun of Yoko,

[47:35]but this, I mean, this song,

[47:38]this is the one I skipped over and over.

[47:40]Matt, I couldn't,

[47:42]I have to disagree. This is the one that

[47:44]I dread hearing this one every year.

[47:46]I dread the first time I hear this one.

[47:48]Because,

[47:49]so this Christmas,

[47:51]and what have you done?

[47:53]And every year I wait to hear

[47:56]this and the first time I think, what have I done?

[47:58]Have I accomplished anything since last Christmas?

[47:59]I hate it.

[48:00]I've swept my floor so there's, I've swept my floor

[48:02]so there's no crumbs on it.

[48:03]Yeah, you started a podcast, an award-winning podcast.

[48:06]Yeah, that's true. That's what you've done.

[48:08]I feel better now. I'm going to tell John.

[48:09]Yeah. Rest in peace.

[48:11]Okay, well, no, let's not do

[48:14]that during the holiday. Hey, we're having fun here.

[48:15]We're not talking about somebody getting shot.

[48:17]All right. And speaking of the next song,

[48:19]this is going to be produced by Phil Spector.

[48:22]Happy holidays, everyone.

[48:23]This is the greatest Christmas song of all time.

[48:25]There's no question.

[48:30]What a voice.

[48:35]So this is Darling Love and one of the coolest

[48:38]things I saw is that David Letterman

[48:40]is kind of like Matt. David Letterman

[48:41]was not a big Christmas song person,

[48:43]but he loved this song by Darling Love

[48:46]and so he would have

[48:47]her perform this on his show every year.

[48:50]She performed this song on David Letterman's

[48:52]show 28 times.

[48:53]That is awesome. And every one of them

[48:56]just knocks. They're all so good.

[48:57]Knocks, yes. That album

[49:00]that Darling Love was on

[49:01]was

[49:02]the, first of all, the name of the album

[49:06]was A Christmas Gift to You

[49:07]from Phil Spector.

[49:09]What a terrible album title.

[49:11]Like, you just make an album and you're like,

[49:13]that's my Christmas gift to you. Oh, really?

[49:15]Because I bought it. Like, I'm pretty sure I bought it.

[49:17]It's not a gift. I bought it, actually.

[49:19]Okay? I don't buy

[49:22]my gifts from you, Phil. Thank you very much.

[49:23]Actually, you know what? Actually, Phil, I'm paying you for this.

[49:25]So really, this is your Christmas gift

[49:27]from me is this money

[49:29]that I'm paying. All right.

[49:31]So we have. So Aaron, say, why

[49:33]is this next song connected?

[49:34]I think they're connected because when

[49:38]Bruce Springsteen was inducted into the

[49:39]Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, he brought Darling Love

[49:41]up on stage to perform with him.

[49:43]Or it might even be the other way around.

[49:45]No, I think that's it. He had

[49:47]Darling Love on stage with him, and I think you can hear

[49:49]in the drums, particularly on this

[49:51]song, the influence of that wall of sound.

[49:53]And obviously, Darling was somebody that

[49:55]Bruce looked up to.

[49:56]Can you explain to me why people are obsessed with Bruce

[49:59]Springsteen?

[50:00]His nickname's The Boss. He's an American.

[50:03]He's an American.

[50:04]I think it's the charisma,

[50:09]right? I mean, he's just like, he's got

[50:11]the thing that people want to be around him.

[50:13]He's a rock and roller who tells a good story

[50:15]about growing up in America. I got to

[50:17]admit, the song, I do not care

[50:19]for the song, but his banter is

[50:21]really like, like when he was talking to Clarence,

[50:23]like, oh, were you good this year? I was like, oh, you're

[50:25]kind of fun for us. Like, you're a fun guy.

[50:27]Yeah, it's pretty good. Well, you know,

[50:29]he's a live show guy, too, so he puts

[50:31]on three-hour shows, and

[50:32]it's one of those guys, you feel like he puts it

[50:35]all on the stage. I've never seen it, but this is

[50:37]what everybody tells me. He puts it all on the

[50:39]stage and leaves it there, so you feel like you're getting

[50:41]you know, like a show every time you go to his

[50:43]live concert. You were talking

[50:45]about the banner,

[50:47]though. You guys know there's a lot

[50:49]of parodies of this song, Santa Claus is Coming

[50:51]to Town, and one of the funniest ones I've heard of

[50:53]is this song

[50:54]by

[50:56]Bob Rivers, Santa Claus,

[50:59]Santa Claus is Fooling Around. You guys got to check this

[51:01]out.

[51:01]Hi, Santa.

[51:04]I've been waiting all year for you to come

[51:07]down the line. Okay, horny to Santa.

[51:09]I don't like this.

[51:10]It's all cold after midnight mass.

[51:12]The wind's whipping through the church parking lot.

[51:17]Oh, he's got his Bruce

[51:19]voice down. Hey, man!

[51:20]Your girlfriend's been acting

[51:23]funny lately.

[51:23]Hey, big man,

[51:26]has your old lady been walking

[51:28]around really funny?

[51:29]Like she's been with a really big

[51:31]man?

[51:31]Oh, my God. This song is literally

[51:35]about having sex with Santa.

[51:36]Have you gotten in any Bruce's

[51:45]albums yet, Rob? I did.

[51:46]I did enjoy it. I have to say I do enjoy

[51:51]his stuff. They're all phenomenal.

[51:53]I think that's the idea

[51:55]of making a song about

[51:57]having sex with Santa is

[51:59]so good that I wish I would have done it

[52:01]myself. I just, I mean,

[52:02]what rhymes with slay? I wonder if Aaron wrote it. Did you hear the thing

[52:04]about the crumbs in the bed at the end there?

[52:06]I got the crumbs in the bed. I heard it.

[52:08]Yeah. All the way.

[52:10]That rhymes with slay. Guys, the song writes itself.

[52:12]It's no problem. I think this marks

[52:15]probably where the Beach Boys just said, fuck

[52:16]it. I think I agree with Matt on this one.

[52:18]The Beach Boys were like,

[52:19]guys, listen, we're broke.

[52:22]What are we going to do? We've got to make a Christmas song.

[52:24]I will say I did say...

[52:29]I did sing this song every year

[52:32]in the boy choir I was in for seven years, so I

[52:34]know the bass part of this like crazy.

[52:36]I like it. I like it.

[52:38]I hate it. I sang this

[52:40]every year for seven years.

[52:41]I mean, it's not

[52:44]Kokomo, but it's

[52:46]pretty good.

[52:47]Is that what...

[52:52]I would say... Did Brian Wilson write that, do you think?

[52:54]Was that his... Are we talking about him with

[52:56]Pet Sounds? And then he's like, by the way, I also did.

[52:59]But Little Saint Nick.

[53:00]And everybody's like, oh, okay. Well, you don't have to say that.

[53:03]I bet it is his holiday,

[53:04]his Yankee Swap game or whatever,

[53:07]his family event where they're rolling the dice. I bet

[53:09]he's like playing the sub at piano in the background.

[53:11]They're like, we hate that song. It sucks.

[53:14]Honestly, if you're going to look...

[53:16]Remember, if you go back to Pet Sounds,

[53:18]this would probably be my

[53:19]second favorite Beach Boys song we've heard

[53:22]from them so far. That's a wild

[53:24]statement. That statement is so dumb.

[53:26]This is a song that takes Santa's

[53:28]sleigh... It was written by

[53:30]Brian Wilson, 1960. Exactly.

[53:32]Genius. And then he started

[53:34]taking tons of drugs directly after

[53:36]writing this song. He was like, nothing is real anymore.

[53:38]64, so that was before Pet Sounds.

[53:40]They were like, we're never going to

[53:42]make it. We've got to make a Christmas out and we've got to

[53:44]pay the bills. I was totally right.

[53:45]That's back in the time when the A&R guys

[53:48]were dictating everything

[53:50]you do. But that song is all about

[53:52]the sleigh being like a car.

[53:53]Matt, you

[53:56]said A&R guys. I've got to admit, maybe this

[53:58]is just, I'm a moron and I don't really know enough

[54:00]about music, but when you watch music documentaries,

[54:02]they always talk about A&R guys. What

[54:04]is that? What does that mean?

[54:05]Artists and repertoire,

[54:08]I believe. Looking it up

[54:10]real quick. I just saw it in this Clive

[54:12]Davis thing.

[54:13]You're handling the artists and then their

[54:16]repertoire of music and what they do.

[54:18]A lot of times it's finding people

[54:20]who are writing songs.

[54:21]A lot of these

[54:23]artists, they don't write their own songs.

[54:26]They have songs that people come

[54:28]and say, hey, this is a perfect song for Whitney

[54:30]Houston or this is a great one for

[54:32]Earth, Wind & Fire.

[54:33]Those people come in and say, no, we've got to tune

[54:36]up the guitar a little bit here. It's kind of like

[54:38]the overall encompassing

[54:40]managing of

[54:42]where the

[54:43]artist is going to fit into the grand

[54:46]scheme of things. I think it's interesting that when we started

[54:48]talking about A&R guys, Aaron took out,

[54:50]he showed us a t-shirt he's wearing where it says

[54:52]AR does not stand for assault rifle.

[54:54]It stands for Armalite.

[54:55]Why do you have that as a shirt, Aaron? I don't know.

[54:58]I don't know why you're wearing it during the holidays.

[54:59]I'm over here trying to be quiet because I don't want to start rapping

[55:02]the Wu-Tang lyric that comes into my mind

[55:04]which is, first of all, who's your A&R?

[55:06]A mountain climber who plays an electric guitar?

[55:08]You guys don't want to hear me do that, so I'm trying to be

[55:10]quiet. And then Rob's got to come at me like

[55:12]that. I had a sign up that says, you've gone

[55:14]one episode without mentioning Wu-Tang, so I am going to

[55:16]have to reset that sign to zero.

[55:17]All right. Now listen,

[55:20]was Chuck Berry arrested for setting up

[55:22]toilet cameras? Yes, but it is the

[55:24]holidays. We are not going to talk about that.

[55:26]Okay? Did I have a Yule log

[55:28]joke all written down? Yes, I am not

[55:30]going to use it, though. Thank you. I'm doing the Aaron

[55:32]thing. Thank you.

[55:33]All right.

[55:35]I like this one. I thought this was fun.

[55:38]I mean, obviously

[55:40]Chuck Berry knows how to have a good time, but

[55:41]like, this is kind of funny.

[55:44]We talked about this.

[55:46]This is famous for the Home Alone scene.

[55:48]This is them running through the airport,

[55:50]right? Yep. Yes.

[55:52]But

[55:54]listen to this.

[55:54]Freeway.

[55:58]Listen, Santa on the Freeway gets a laugh

[56:00]out of me every time. Now, when he says Sabre Jet,

[56:02]I did have to look up the lyrics. I was like, what the hell is he

[56:04]talking about there? This might be, that

[56:06]might be one of my favorite songs. I'm not saying it's

[56:07]the most festive song, but if you just say, like,

[56:10]hey, fun song, I'm

[56:12]enjoying listening to it. It might be one of my top

[56:13]on the list. Hey, listen, Chuck Berry.

[56:15]They're all great. Chuck Berry

[56:17]has a great voice. I love the guitar.

[56:19]I love the mix of that song. I think it sounds

[56:21]really good. We are getting into

[56:23]on the list, we are getting into a fun little

[56:26]subgenre, I think, which is

[56:27]the holiday songs

[56:30]for Jewish people. Adam

[56:31]Sandler, Hanukkah song.

[56:33]Oh, this

[56:35]is just classic. This is so good.

[56:37]Is Adam Sandler

[56:39]funny? Oh, absolutely.

[56:41]He's hilarious. Is he really?

[56:43]He's fantastic.

[56:45]I mean,

[56:47]he made me laugh my ass

[56:49]off so many times, but I don't know if he's actually funny.

[56:52]Like, I...

[56:53]I don't...

[56:56]Crazy... You know,

[56:57]I gotta say...

[56:58]I love it. I love it. And we, you know,

[57:01]Aaron's given us the lesson on Ubu

[57:03]and whatever the other one is, like,

[57:05]you know, the way people use their voices.

[57:07]What's the lesson, Aaron?

[57:09]Ugly but useful is Ubu, and Oops

[57:11]is one perfect sound.

[57:13]Yeah, there's only a perfect sound.

[57:15]But, like, Adam Sandler has

[57:17]a way about using his voice that is fun

[57:19]and different. It's unique to Adam Sandler.

[57:21]Like, he has, like, a certain

[57:24]tone that he goes into with his songs

[57:25]that is unique to

[57:27]him. And it's

[57:29]just Adam Sandler. I love it. I think it's fantastic.

[57:31]I don't know, man.

[57:33]Because when you listen to

[57:34]the different versions he did of the Hanukkah song,

[57:37]right? So that was version

[57:39]one. And you can tell he worked with some old-ass

[57:41]comedy writers on this, because he's talking about, like,

[57:43]Dinah Shore, and, like, all these

[57:45]old people who are Jewish, and it's like,

[57:47]who's writing this for you?

[57:48]Have you heard the third version,

[57:51]though? The third version, I think, has one of the

[57:53]funniest lines. He's done, like, four of these.

[57:55]But the third version, I think, has one of the

[57:57]funniest lines we've ever heard. That's what I'm talking about. Isn't that

[57:59]classic Adam Sandler, where he's like, okay, I got a funny

[58:01]idea. I'm going to do it four times,

[58:03]and it's going to be almost exactly the same.

[58:05]Well, that's true. It's over and over and over.

[58:07]And I'm there for it. We don't know anybody else who's used it like that.

[58:09]Hey, we're going to do it 500

[58:11]or 501 times, as long as we

[58:13]don't do any more holiday episodes.

[58:14]Rob, I think one of the coolest lyrics that

[58:17]Sandler's ever done on any of these Hanukkah

[58:19]songs is on the third song. You should pull

[58:21]it up right now.

[58:22]Houdini and David Blaine

[58:25]escape straitjackets with such

[58:27]precision. But the

[58:29]one thing they could not get out of

[58:31]their painful circumcision

[58:33]Here we go. Check this out. Check this out.

[58:37]Jennifer Connelly's half

[58:41]Jewish, too, and I'd like to put

[58:43]some more in her.

[58:45]I'm

[58:47]telling you.

[58:48]I think

[58:51]you're just jealous, Rob. I don't know.

[58:53]It seems like... His comedy is right

[58:55]in line with yours. It's hilarious. I know.

[58:57]And listen. The stuff you do is hilarious.

[58:59]The stuff he does is hilarious. I think it's funny,

[59:01]but I just... He's like, listen, I got

[59:03]this great song. I just am going to write new lyrics

[59:05]and sing it four fucking times and put it out every time.

[59:07]It's wild to me.

[59:08]That's every one of these albums that we're

[59:11]talking about here. Like, hey, oh, I can

[59:13]make some money? Let's put out another album.

[59:15]Let's put out a holiday album. I do have strong opinions

[59:17]on which karaoke tracks are the best to sing

[59:19]on. Like, I have a certain brand of karaoke tracks

[59:21]I like to use for my intro, so I guess I'm

[59:23]just as good at it. Johnny Cash,

[59:24]Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves. I know your stuff.

[59:27]No, I'm talking about the beginning of the

[59:29]podcast, Aaron, when I do the

[59:30]karaoke. I'm just saying, I knew you were going to

[59:33]say it. Never mind. Aaron's just down there saying

[59:35]words. He's just down there, like, saying bands.

[59:36]Rob's going to send Aaron for his

[59:39]holiday gift a just box of crumbs.

[59:41]The crushed Lucky

[59:43]Charms, like the... Whatever that

[59:44]gross stuff is in the Lucky Charms box.

[59:47]He's going to mash that down and send

[59:49]it to Aaron. That's why I don't get why Aaron likes to take that stuff

[59:51]and sprinkle it into his bed and get it and

[59:53]rub around in it. Like, it's so gross.

[59:55]He's like, maybe that's why my dating

[59:57]life has gone so bad. Sick.

[59:58]All right. We've got the Ronettes.

[60:01]Frosty the Snowman. Listen to this

[60:03]East Coast accent on this singer. This is so nice.

[60:04]I mean, is that

[60:07]the most, like, Long Island...

[60:09]This is Ronnie, right? Is this Ronnie Spector

[60:11]singing Lee?

[60:11]So good. She's an all-timer, man.

[60:14]You can hear this voice being like, Frosty,

[60:17]come in and have a cup of coffee.

[60:19]Cream of sugar.

[60:22]By the way, Rob, your wife,

[60:25]I listened to the wife episode, and she's...

[60:27]She's getting a little New York accent.

[60:28]She's starting to convert a little bit.

[60:30]She was full New York the moment she

[60:33]stepped foot in New York. When a car pulled

[60:35]in front of her and she kicked it in the crosswalk,

[60:37]that's when I knew that she was full New York.

[60:38]Meanwhile, I still make eye

[60:41]contact with everyone and say, oh, how are you doing

[60:43]when I walk into a store? Hey, how you doing? Oh, hey.

[60:44]You still say, oh, oh.

[60:46]Oh, yeah.

[60:47]No, I was in my school, and somebody came up and goes,

[60:51]are you from Minnesota? And I was like, oh, my God.

[60:53]Did I give it away that easy?

[60:54]Michael,

[60:57]question about that Frosty the Snowman.

[60:59]First of all, it would be absolutely terrifying

[61:01]if an actual Frosty the Snowman came alive.

[61:03]Okay? That would be very, very scary.

[61:05]But second of all, a button nose?

[61:07]Has anyone in the history of

[61:09]snowman building used a button for a nose?

[61:11]Pathetic.

[61:12]And I like every other decision

[61:17]that Phil Spector's ever made, but

[61:18]those lyrics in that song, hate it.

[61:20]Very, very bad.

[61:21]What do you normally use for a nose

[61:25]for a snowman? Carrot. You gotta go carrot.

[61:27]You know, dumb and dumber, carrot and coal, baby.

[61:28]Yeah, full-on carrot.

[61:30]Are you surprised by that answer? Wait, did dumb and dumber invent the

[61:33]carrot for the snowman?

[61:34]No, that was like the cartoon had the carrot.

[61:36]But I can tell you, nobody had a button nose.

[61:38]What do you use for a nose, Russell?

[61:40]Yeah, but this song wouldn't sound good if it was

[61:42]with a corncob pipe and a carrot nose.

[61:45]Boom, nailed it. Two same number of syllables.

[61:47]I think it sounds good.

[61:48]And I'm a parody expert.

[61:49]I should have done the intro and just changed that one lyric

[61:52]and nothing else changes. The same voice

[61:54]and then when she's singing, I just go, carrot.

[61:57]And I've murdered no people.

[61:58]Put me on that fucking list.

[62:00]Okay, that's more easy now.

[62:04]Is that okay or not?

[62:04]Is there a yes now?

[62:06]Matt's just staring at me. We need to move on.

[62:10]Alright, so

[62:11]this is another fun song that makes me

[62:14]happy for Christmas music. And then you hear this

[62:16]and you're like, oh, this is absolutely miserable.

[62:18]Is this song racist? I can't tell.

[62:20]What's going on here?

[62:21]Russell, what do you think?

[62:24]Is this song racist? We're going to defer to Russell on this.

[62:26]Russell?

[62:27]Feel free to speak on that.

[62:28]Interesting thing. So my understanding is

[62:31]this was kind of a

[62:32]charity song. It was raising money for charity.

[62:35]I think it raised more than $14 million.

[62:37]But the really

[62:39]interesting thing was this was the best

[62:41]selling single of all time in the UK

[62:43]before Candle in the Wind

[62:45]was redone for Princess Di.

[62:47]This was the biggest selling single

[62:49]ever in the UK. They love music about

[62:51]depressing stuff. They just can't get

[62:53]enough of it. They're like, give me that music.

[62:54]Oh, is there a famine going on in Ethiopia? Yeah, sing a song.

[62:57]I'm going to eat it up.

[62:58]Oh, did somebody die in a horrible car crash

[63:01]caused by our own obsession with the Royals?

[63:02]Oh, I'm going to buy that song too. Sick.

[63:05]I mean, they gave us the Smiths.

[63:07]Like, it's not. I could be wrong

[63:09]on this, but do you know who the people who

[63:10]were that sang that song that were part of that

[63:13]group? I only know Boy George

[63:15]and Bono and George Michael.

[63:16]Who else we got?

[63:17]The other person we have is someone named Simon

[63:21]LeBron, and I didn't know LeBron was ever

[63:23]in a band. I didn't know he was ever

[63:25]in a band. I thought he always played basketball.

[63:27]Oh, he can do it all.

[63:28]He truly is the goat.

[63:30]Yes, I think wasn't

[63:33]Phil Collins

[63:35]in that and also Paul McCartney.

[63:36]I know they did multiple albums, so it's

[63:39]tough to look up who was in Band-Aid, but

[63:41]I think I think Paul McCartney

[63:43]is in. Okay, fuck

[63:45]off about my spelling. I

[63:47]think this might be

[63:48]God only knows hot

[63:51]for teacher. This song is coming

[63:53]in hot at number three for me.

[63:54]Wonderful Christmas time.

[63:57]I love this song.

[63:59]Hey, it's

[64:01]me, Paul McCartney.

[64:02]Merry Christmas. Definitely not a cash

[64:05]grab, huh?

[64:06]But he's so talented.

[64:09]So good.

[64:09]I read that he used

[64:13]some like amazing synthesizer. I know

[64:15]Aaron, he knows all the names of the move

[64:17]or whatever the synthesizers are, but

[64:18]McCartney was using some synthesizer at the time

[64:21]that was only available to him for that song.

[64:23]No, Russell, you beat me to it. I do not know

[64:25]the name of the synthesizer, and I was going to say the same

[64:27]thing, and I say this all the time, but the

[64:29]synthesizers at that time were not

[64:30]just push a button and you get

[64:33]the sound you want. You had to turn the dials.

[64:35]You had to tune them in how you

[64:37]want it. You had to program them how you want it. Wait, you had to turn a dial?

[64:38]All of those sounds. Wait, did you have to flip

[64:40]switches? Oh, my God. It's not just

[64:43]pushing a button. It's also turning a dial.

[64:44]Holy shit. Musical geniuses.

[64:46]This shit was complicated. And you had to do a lot of work

[64:49]just to get that perfect sound that he

[64:51]made. So, yeah, Russell, you beat me to it.

[64:53]Hey, laddie, help me help with the

[64:54]synthesizer. I've pushed all the buttons, and I can't

[64:57]figure it out. Try turning the dials.

[64:59]Hey, thank you so much. I couldn't figure it out.

[65:01]As someone who has a musical

[65:03]background, Aaron, is there a chance you could

[65:05]give Rob and Paul McCarty the same

[65:06]synthesizer, and Rob could make a better song?

[65:09]Yes, it's possible.

[65:10]Yes. Nailed it.

[65:12]But I won't do that.

[65:13]Instead, I will be downloading karaoke tracks off

[65:17]the internet and singing it in five minutes.

[65:19]That is the extent of my artistry.

[65:20]Next up,

[65:22]we've got Jingle Bell Rock.

[65:26]Wait a minute.

[65:27]Guys, this is just

[65:32]a little teaser. I broke into

[65:34]Russell's mom's basement.

[65:36]Oh, boy.

[65:38]What you are listening to right now is actually

[65:40]the bad boys

[65:42]with their Christmas.

[65:43]And this is literally Russell.

[65:46]Hold on. We've got to stop talking.

[65:48]Jingle around the stage.

[65:56]It's Wigglin'.

[65:58]It's Wigglin'.

[66:01]So I've got to talk about this, Russell.

[66:02]And that's it. I'm not going to play anymore.

[66:03]You sick freaks. You want me to play that whole thing?

[66:06]First of all, I've got to talk to you about this.

[66:08]Number one, Russell, you did tell us this was a

[66:10]rap group that you were part of.

[66:12]Well, didn't you hear the song was called

[66:14]Jingle Bell Rap?

[66:15]I mean, we might not have been rapping at all,

[66:18]but that was Jingle Bell Rap.

[66:19]You are taking great license to call that

[66:22]Jingle Bell Rap.

[66:23]And I want to know, how did you get into

[66:25]my mom's house to steal the vinyl?

[66:26]That was the vinyl version of the Bad Boys.

[66:28]She has one of those video doorbells,

[66:30]and when I rang it, I held up that picture of Herbie Mann

[66:32]on Push Push, and she was like, oh, come right in.

[66:34]So I tricked her. I was able to get in no problem.

[66:36]But that is...

[66:39]And I also want to say, do you guys remember

[66:40]when Russell was initially talking about...

[66:42]We're going to talk more about Bad Boys when we talk about Kendrick Lamar.

[66:44]Do you guys remember when Russell said he did

[66:46]the Bad Boys concert, what was the length

[66:48]that he claimed the concert was?

[66:50]Two or three hours.

[66:51]He told us it was 45 minutes.

[66:53]I have the full video of the concert.

[66:55]It is...

[66:56]Five minutes and 20 seconds long.

[66:58]In Russell's memory, this five-minute event

[67:03]has expanded to, you know,

[67:06]ten times the length

[67:08]that it actually was.

[67:09]Well, when you're...

[67:10]When you're ten years old,

[67:13]five minutes now is probably

[67:15]the equivalent of 45 minutes now.

[67:17]There's like a math thing there.

[67:18]Yeah, when you think of it as a percentage of your lifetime

[67:21]to that point, yeah.

[67:22]Let's go to... And you might think, oh, is this that

[67:24]hit song, Jingle Bell Rap, that I definitely

[67:26]heard all of last time, and I'm not going to have to

[67:28]parse that out with the editing tools.

[67:30]Jingle Bell Rock.

[67:32]Who sang this song?

[67:34]Bobby Helms.

[67:36]The guitar is so nice on here.

[67:40]Why are there more songs with Jingle Bells in it?

[67:46]Like, why is that just a holiday thing?

[67:47]Listen to that in the background.

[67:49]I think it's because people like John Lennon

[67:50]got sick of songs about Jingle Bells

[67:53]and they wanted to sing about more important things.

[67:55]I'm pretty sure Jingle Bells was supposed to be a thing,

[67:56]not a Thanksgiving song.

[67:57]It wasn't supposed to be a Christmas song.

[67:58]Yeah, but no, I'm actually talking about the bells.

[68:00]I think those bells should be in every song ever.

[68:02]I love that noise of the bells in the background.

[68:04]I think it's so great.

[68:05]When I was in that boy choir, we would sing holiday music

[68:08]and they had one set of Jingle Bells

[68:10]that somebody in the back would hold secretly.

[68:11]And then when we sang Jingle Bells,

[68:15]the guy would take it out and shake it, right?

[68:16]And he'd shake it, shake it, shake it.

[68:18]Is that the guy that can't sing?

[68:19]Rob, that motion was disgusting.

[68:20]You cannot make that motion on your words.

[68:22]That's how you play the Jingle Bells,

[68:24]is you hold them like this vertically and you shake them,

[68:26]up and down, up and down to time.

[68:28]You're a super thin ice wrap talking about Jingle Bells

[68:30]and boy choirs.

[68:31]We got to move on.

[68:32]But the problem was that the guy that she picked,

[68:35]don't give me the wrap it up signal.

[68:36]I'm in the middle of my story.

[68:37]The guy that she picked was the worst at keeping time,

[68:41]of all time.

[68:41]He was terrible.

[68:42]So we'd be singing, you know, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

[68:45]and he'd come in like, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka,

[68:46]like way faster than he was supposed to.

[68:48]Rob, Rob, Rob, you got to put that hand motion down.

[68:52]Again, the podcast is audio.

[68:54]They're not going to know what you were referencing to.

[68:56]Oh, they're going to know.

[68:57]They're going to know.

[68:58]Do you like how my face too looks like I'm scared?

[69:00]All right.

[69:01]So the night Santa went crazy.

[69:03]It's kind of a bummer that we are talking about Weird Al

[69:07]for the first time with a song that is basically

[69:09]all about gun violence.

[69:10]Certainly not one of his best songs, in my opinion.

[69:13]Merry Christmas to all.

[69:15]Now you're all going to die.

[69:18]Oh.

[69:18]But you can't really take him seriously

[69:20]when he's singing about like, oh, Santa walked in

[69:23]and shot up this whole place.

[69:24]Yeah, it doesn't really.

[69:26]It doesn't really hold up.

[69:27]I remember listening to this song as a kid and enjoyed it.

[69:30]It does not hold up.

[69:32]But you guys know what this is a cover of.

[69:34]Do you know what the cover is or not?

[69:35]No.

[69:35]No.

[69:37]The cover is Soul Asylum, Black Gold.

[69:40]Black Gold in it.

[69:42]Yeah, you're right.

[69:43]Which is a much better song.

[69:45]Oh, my God.

[69:47]Who would listen to this and be like,

[69:50]I should do a Christmas song about Santa Claus

[69:52]chopping up all his reindeer.

[69:53]This is a great idea.

[69:54]Probably why he didn't make the top.

[69:56]500 list, I would guess.

[69:58]That was the third single on his Bad Hair album, though.

[70:01]They released that as a single.

[70:02]It's insane.

[70:03]I don't want to take the whole podcast off the rails,

[70:05]but I find Weird Al problematic in general.

[70:08]Why do you find Weird Al problematic?

[70:10]I think he trivializes things like what he just did.

[70:14]And I think he's a gateway to other kinds of thinking

[70:18]that are not great for young white men.

[70:20]Go ahead and edit that out.

[70:22]Go ahead and edit it out.

[70:23]No, I think as a kid who grew up fast,

[70:26]it was really fun to have Weird Al singing a song

[70:28]that was basically just about me the whole time.

[70:30]Thank you, Weird Al.

[70:31]I appreciate it.

[70:32]I think he's kind of hateful in a way.

[70:35]I don't know.

[70:35]I'm off Weird Al.

[70:36]I'm telling you, though.

[70:38]Frank's 2000-inch TV.

[70:40]Ain't nothing wrong with that song.

[70:41]No, he doesn't hate anybody.

[70:42]He just loves a big TV.

[70:43]All right.

[70:44]We've got Christmas time for the Jews.

[70:47]And this, again, is all the darling love we can have.

[70:53]And so this was a...

[70:56]There's a whole oral history of this song

[71:02]on the website Uproxx.

[71:04]You guys should check it out.

[71:05]It's very interesting.

[71:06]There were one too many X's for me to Google this

[71:09]to go to it on my work computer.

[71:11]So you've got to use a different computer,

[71:13]but Uproxx has a whole oral history on the song.

[71:15]Christmas Waltz.

[71:16]So this is by he...

[71:18]What is it?

[71:18]He and she?

[71:19]She and him.

[71:20]She and...

[71:21]Oh, that's right.

[71:22]So let's get into this a little bit.

[71:23]Aaron is a huge New Girl fan,

[71:25]and therefore a huge...

[71:26]It's true.

[71:27]Is it Zowie?

[71:28]How do you say the name?

[71:29]Zoe.

[71:29]Zoe.

[71:30]Zoe.

[71:30]Zoe Deschanel.

[71:32]So, of course, Aaron loves the Christmas Waltz.

[71:34]I do.

[71:35]I've listened to this so many times.

[71:36]We have listened to this in my house so many times.

[71:39]My lady and I love it.

[71:39]This is Zoe and somebody named M. Ward.

[71:42]What a freak.

[71:43]What a freak name.

[71:44]For those of us who don't know who she is,

[71:47]she's also an elf.

[71:48]Yeah, she's...

[71:49]And apparently he heard her singing in Elf,

[71:52]and then when they worked on something together,

[71:54]he was like,

[71:54]hey, we should start this band,

[71:55]which is...

[71:56]It's always a move

[71:57]if you're working with somebody attractive

[71:58]and be like,

[71:59]man, you're a great singer.

[72:00]We should start a band.

[72:01]I've done that at least six times.

[72:03]It has not worked for me

[72:05]when I've tried to get women to join our podcast.

[72:06]Just for the record,

[72:09]it's like 0 for 17.

[72:10]Probably 0 for 18.

[72:13]If I send this message,

[72:14]I'm planning on time.

[72:14]We do have...

[72:15]Oh, no.

[72:16]We do have a number of special guests

[72:18]every week that get cut out,

[72:19]and it's just Russ,

[72:20]like the extra girl,

[72:21]like, hey, everybody,

[72:22]this is Rebecca.

[72:23]We're on a first date.

[72:24]I'm like,

[72:26]hey, baby.

[72:27]Do you know who this is, Rebecca?

[72:29]We've got that false ending down pretty good.

[72:33]Okay, guys,

[72:34]a little time to wrap it up.

[72:35]That was fun, guys.

[72:36]We'll see you.

[72:38]The Christmas Waltz was originally a song

[72:41]that was written for Frank Sinatra.

[72:42]And here's Frank singing it.

[72:46]And they realized that there was no

[72:49]waltz songs that were Christmas songs.

[72:51]What Christmas needs?

[72:55]A waltz?

[72:56]Kind of like St. Olaf, you know?

[72:58]Yeah.

[72:58]What kind of fight song's not out there?

[73:00]There's not a waltz fight song.

[73:02]Yeah, it's just us.

[73:03]Man, he can sing, can't he?

[73:08]Woof.

[73:08]Yeah.

[73:09]Guys, I got news for you.

[73:11]Frank Sinatra, pretty good singer, okay?

[73:13]That's a hot take on Rob.

[73:15]Not too bad.

[73:15]Another nugget from this podcast.

[73:18]This song, does this song have...

[73:21]We've got All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey.

[73:23]Does this have the most recognizable opener

[73:25]of any song ever?

[73:27]Yes.

[73:27]No.

[73:29]It's hard to argue this isn't...

[73:31]Spice Girls.

[73:32]This is by far...

[73:35]This is by far...

[73:37]There was a scientific study.

[73:38]Sorry.

[73:39]I don't have time to talk about the Spice Girls right now.

[73:42]I just don't.

[73:43]I'm trying to get through this episode.

[73:45]Please.

[73:45]Now, is this also the video that turns you on the most

[73:51]of any Christmas video growing up?

[73:53]Where she was in that Santa outfit?

[73:56]There's a video for this song?

[73:57]Oh, my God.

[73:59]Guys.

[74:01]Aaron's wife must be, like, in a house over.

[74:04]He can't even talk about it.

[74:05]It's so...

[74:06]Yeah.

[74:06]Aaron, blink twice if you did think this video was sexy.

[74:09]I've never seen it, guys.

[74:10]No, I don't know what you're talking about.

[74:11]I've never seen this before.

[74:13]I have not seen this video.

[74:14]I mean, this song, it's so good.

[74:19]And the video, she is so attractive.

[74:21]Oh, my God.

[74:21]It's like young Mariah Carey.

[74:22]Super hot.

[74:24]And she's singing about the holidays.

[74:25]Ugh.

[74:25]It's everything.

[74:26]I love it.

[74:26]I love perviness and presence.

[74:28]This, by far, is the greatest Christmas song ever.

[74:31]This is, by far, the greatest holiday.

[74:32]It's not even close.

[74:33]It's number one.

[74:34]This is an A-plus in the world of everything else.

[74:37]It's just...

[74:37]It's a bell curve, and this is number one.

[74:39]And I'm going to tell you, it was also...

[74:40]It's probably a top ten song of all time.

[74:41]Yes.

[74:43]That's a hot take.

[74:44]That is a hot take, Aaron.

[74:45]I don't think we can let you go by without saying what a hot take that is.

[74:48]Why do you think it's a top ten song of all time?

[74:51]Because if you could pick ten songs to listen to for the rest of your life,

[74:55]this would have to be on it.

[74:55]Every time I listen to it, I'm like,

[74:56]Every time it comes on, you're just like,

[74:57]Yes, play it again.

[74:58]That's it.

[75:00]I think the song sucks.

[75:02]Oh, Aaron, why would you say that?

[75:04]That's terrible.

[75:04]One more, before we move on.

[75:08]Before we move on, I think our listeners,

[75:11]you guys need to check this out.

[75:12]We don't have to play it right now, but

[75:14]there's a version of this.

[75:16]You guys ever watch Carpool Karaoke with James Corden,

[75:18]where he's got the singer on, they come in,

[75:20]they sing their own songs?

[75:21]They do a version where he's singing this song

[75:24]with Mariah Carey, but he said,

[75:26]all these other singers sing part of it.

[75:28]So you've got Adele, Elton John,

[75:30]Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga,

[75:32]Demi Lovato,

[75:33]and it's so good.

[75:36]Every one of our listeners has to go check this out

[75:38]on YouTube.

[75:39]I have strong feelings about Carpool Karaoke.

[75:43]My strongest feeling about it was when the guy

[75:46]from Coldplay came on and I didn't know who he was

[75:49]and I had to Google, hey, who's on, who is that guy?

[75:51]You did?

[75:52]I don't know who that, why would I know him?

[75:55]We haven't got one of those.

[75:56]They're like the best bands in the 2000s.

[75:58]Yeah, the fact that you have a music podcast might also.

[76:01]Yeah.

[76:01]It kind of sounds like my wife and her friends

[76:06]singing karaoke after about 15 years.

[76:09]When I think of Carpool Karaoke,

[76:11]I think of videos that I see on Facebook

[76:14]that I know I'm never going to click in a million years.

[76:16]There is no way I will ever click on a Carpool Karaoke video.

[76:19]I just won't.

[76:19]Why?

[76:20]Red Hot Chili Pepper ones is great

[76:22]because they get out in the middle of some guy's lawn

[76:24]and they start wrestling.

[76:25]They're like, please.

[76:26]I believe they're wrestling like naked.

[76:28]Yeah.

[76:28]Like at one point they're like sitting in the car

[76:30]with no clothes on.

[76:31]Anthony Kiedis takes his shirt off

[76:33]because he always has his shirt off

[76:34]and then he starts wrestling the guy.

[76:35]I was wondering who was posting all those videos on Facebook

[76:38]and now I realize it's Russ and Matt.

[76:40]It's the one thing Russ posts.

[76:41]All right, man, let's do it.

[76:45]Let's just do it.

[76:45]So listen, apparently I'm the only one

[76:47]who thinks that Mariah Carey song is horny.

[76:49]Okay, but I do think it is a horny song,

[76:51]but I'm mostly thinking of the video.

[76:53]And I thought it was the horniest song Christmas,

[76:56]song of all time,

[76:57]until I heard this.

[76:59]Kanye West, Christmas in Harlem.

[77:04]That's a big knock to go.

[77:16]Now, I don't want to give away

[77:23]what we think about Kanye next week,

[77:25]but I do want to give away

[77:26]what this is my new favorite holiday song.

[77:28]I love it.

[77:29]It's so good.

[77:30]He is so funny.

[77:31]Like, it's just, it's pleasant.

[77:33]He's like, it's just, it's so clever.

[77:36]I love it.

[77:36]It also has a verse from Sahai the Prince

[77:39]and I know this is basic,

[77:40]but I think Sahai the Prince

[77:41]might be one of my five favorite rappers.

[77:43]I just love, anytime I hear his voice,

[77:45]I'm in.

[77:46]So I'm in on this song.

[77:48]And I killed the podcast.

[77:52]Just let it rap.

[77:54]Russ, tell me who he was just talking about.

[77:56]Say the name.

[77:56]Say hi, Russ.

[77:59]Let it Prince.

[77:59]Let it Prince.

[78:00]Say hi, Russ.

[78:01]Yeah, I thought he said.

[78:02]Say hi, the Prince?

[78:03]Say hi.

[78:04]I thought he did say Risk, too.

[78:05]I wasn't sure what he said.

[78:07]He said, say hi, the Prince.

[78:08]If I, if I had a soundboard,

[78:10]this is definitely where I would play

[78:11]That's a Left Field Take by Aaron.

[78:13]You know what I'm going to get you

[78:15]for the holidays, Russell?

[78:16]Guess what?

[78:17]Here's a soundboard.

[78:18]Oh, that was Aaron.

[78:20]Oh, thank you.

[78:21]You're so festive, Rob.

[78:22]What the hell is he talking about?

[78:26]The Jingle Bells definitely make it better.

[78:29]They just make it better.

[78:30]We might have to play that

[78:32]for the whole hour and a half.

[78:33]All right.

[78:34]So that is it for the list.

[78:37]So I want to get to our,

[78:39]probably our most favorite system.

[78:40]System.

[78:43]Yeah, it is a system.

[78:44]Guess what?

[78:45]I didn't misspeak there, okay?

[78:46]It's both a system and segment.

[78:48]And I didn't screw those two words up.

[78:50]We've got the ratings time.

[78:54]God dang it, I don't even have a name for it.

[78:56]I hate it.

[78:56]I hate this.

[78:56]I hate this podcast.

[78:57]So I got a question that works.

[78:59]What are we rating?

[79:01]This isn't on our list.

[79:02]Oh, excuse me.

[79:02]I have come up with a holiday list, okay?

[79:04]Mr. Grinch.

[79:05]Here we go.

[79:06]Au contraire, mon frere.

[79:10]All right.

[79:15]So that was worth it.

[79:16]We have, okay,

[79:19]and I definitely have memorized this.

[79:20]Does this list,

[79:21]what do you think about this list overall?

[79:23]Does it deck the halls?

[79:24]That means you like it.

[79:26]You like it.

[79:27]Does it suck jingle balls?

[79:29]Okay.

[79:29]And I'm sorry.

[79:29]I did promise I wasn't going to make that joke.

[79:31]And I waited until the very end.

[79:32]I'm pretty happy.

[79:33]So does it deck the halls?

[79:34]Does it suck jingle balls?

[79:36]Or is this peace and love for all?

[79:39]Okay.

[79:39]These all sound very offensive.

[79:40]I don't know which one to pick right now.

[79:42]So what do you think, Russell?

[79:43]Does this list deck the halls?

[79:45]That means that it's just fine.

[79:47]Suck jingle balls.

[79:48]That means it's very bad.

[79:49]Or peace and love for all.

[79:50]That means you loved it.

[79:50]You couldn't get enough of it.

[79:51]What do you think?

[79:52]I don't think I'm smart enough to go first,

[79:54]but I'm going to try.

[79:56]I think this decks the halls.

[79:57]The only time I would say this sucks jingle balls.

[79:59]I love the list.

[80:01]The one thing that it didn't include

[80:02]and why I'm going to say it sucks jingle balls is my...

[80:06]Wait.

[80:07]That means it sucks, right?

[80:09]Sucks jingle balls?

[80:09]It's my own joke.

[80:10]It's making me laugh just hysterically.

[80:12]I can't get it out.

[80:13]Oh, sorry.

[80:13]I'm just trying to...

[80:14]I don't know what's going on.

[80:16]The reason this...

[80:17]Oh, wait.

[80:18]What do you want me to say?

[80:19]It sucks jingle balls?

[80:20]Yes.

[80:22]Just go ahead.

[80:22]Yes.

[80:23]What sucks jingle balls about this list?

[80:25]I don't want you to say it sucks jingle balls.

[80:26]I don't want you to say anything.

[80:26]I want you to tell me what you think of the list.

[80:28]I actually really love the list.

[80:30]The only reason it sucks jingle balls for me

[80:32]is it didn't include my Rolling Bones song.

[80:35]The song that got rolling...

[80:37]Yeah?

[80:38]You've said it seven...

[80:39]No, you've said it seven times.

[80:40]I'm just kidding.

[80:40]Yeah, keep going.

[80:41]Rob laughs.

[80:41]It's awesome.

[80:43]Rob is laughing every time you say suck jingle balls.

[80:47]It's pretty...

[80:49]See?

[80:49]It gets him going every time.

[80:50]Okay.

[80:52]So the reason this sucks jingle balls

[80:54]is that they didn't include the song

[80:56]by the Vince Guarulati Trio,

[80:59]the Linus and Lucy song from Peanuts.

[81:01]If you don't have a Peanuts song on the holiday list,

[81:04]you've screwed the pooch.

[81:06]I agree with Russell.

[81:07]This needs to be on the list.

[81:09]Now, when it comes to the Peanuts shows,

[81:11]would you say this is the biggest Peanuts?

[81:13]The what shows?

[81:13]The what shows?

[81:14]Yeah, would you say this is the biggest Peanuts?

[81:16]Like the...

[81:17]It's pretty big Peanuts, yeah.

[81:21]I would say this is probably

[81:22]the second biggest Peanuts I've ever seen.

[81:24]I know.

[81:26]I'm not sure the size of the Peanuts

[81:27]is what really matters.

[81:28]Wait, did you say Peanuts?

[81:30]I mean, there's a lot of Peanuts in there.

[81:32]Okay.

[81:33]In the show, there's a lot of Peanuts.

[81:34]I get what you guys are doing.

[81:35]You sick fucks.

[81:36]Rob, can you please go back to the other list

[81:38]where we can see the rating system?

[81:40]Thank you.

[81:40]So, yeah.

[81:41]I also got a tattoo on my arm

[81:43]if you want to look at my arm.

[81:44]Yeah, this was great,

[81:46]but it sucked jingle balls

[81:47]because there was no Linus and Lucy.

[81:49]All right.

[81:50]So Russ has told us what he thinks.

[81:51]Matt, what do you think?

[81:52]Does this list deck the halls,

[81:54]suck jingle balls,

[81:55]or Peanuts?

[81:56]Peace and love for all.

[81:57]Why did you even have to repeat those three things?

[81:59]I know.

[82:00]It's burned into everybody's memory.

[82:01]Some of us have been drinking tonight.

[82:02]Guys, I definitely didn't spend some time

[82:04]on RhymeZone.com.

[82:06]And by the way,

[82:06]we are sponsored by RhymeZone.com.

[82:08]This is the ad we had from my dad

[82:12]to say that that site is pretty rad.

[82:15]All right, RhymeZone.com.

[82:17]Check them out if you want to get some rhymes.

[82:18]Well, I'm glad to say that this list

[82:22]sucks jingle balls.

[82:23]There's no me.

[82:26]There's no Mavis Staples.

[82:26]There's no Ray Charles.

[82:29]It's a mix of all this new age stuff.

[82:33]Put everything before 1963

[82:35]and earlier on a greatest of all time list.

[82:38]And I'll listen to it.

[82:40]But yeah, this thing sucks jingle balls.

[82:42]Mavis Staples sings the theme song

[82:48]to Christmas Vacation.

[82:49]For real?

[82:50]In 1989, she sung it at Paisley Park too.

[82:54]Stuff like that.

[82:55]I can't find it.

[82:56]It's nowhere.

[82:56]You can find it on the list.

[83:00]If you're listening just to the movie,

[83:02]but you can't just find a single of it

[83:04]and listen to it on Spotify or anything like that,

[83:06]which is weird,

[83:07]but some people have covered it.

[83:09]The lights spell out sex laser.

[83:15]That's part of the problem.

[83:16]And I'm going to edit that

[83:19]so it looks like I came up with it instantly.

[83:20]Oh, this is the beginning of the movie.

[83:26]Everybody knows that

[83:27]you wanted this song on the list.

[83:29]Yeah.

[83:30]Who am I doing this podcast with?

[83:34]I don't get it.

[83:35]I think I've introduced this factoid before,

[83:38]but Bob Dylan tried to marry Mavis Staples.

[83:40]And I think she said no.

[83:42]Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

[83:47]Okay, Aaron.

[83:49]It does this list.

[83:50]Oh, excuse me, sir.

[83:51]Does this list deck the halls,

[83:53]suck jingle balls,

[83:55]and peace and love.

[83:56]Love for all.

[83:56]I would say it decks the halls

[83:59]because it has some of my favorites.

[84:01]It's got the boss doing Santa Claus is coming to town.

[84:04]It's got Darlene Love.

[84:05]It's got the runouts doing Frosty the Snowman.

[84:07]I would say it's missing Wham! Last Christmas

[84:11]and the Pogues' Fairytale of New York.

[84:14]So it's not quite perfect,

[84:16]but I think it still decks the halls.

[84:17]All right.

[84:19]The correct answer is this list is Happy Holidays, y'all.

[84:22]You don't care what I really have to say about this list.

[84:24]This list is fine.

[84:26]All Christmas music is just fine.

[84:27]And then as soon as December 31st comes,

[84:29]you're, thank God,

[84:30]you never have to listen to this for another year.

[84:32]It's so weird.

[84:33]I don't know.

[84:33]Why doesn't other holidays have music like this?

[84:35]Why is there no 4th of July music or Valentine's music?

[84:38]It's like Christmas is the one holiday

[84:40]where we all celebrate it pretty much the same way.

[84:42]Doesn't Toby Keith,

[84:43]I'm sure Toby Keith has like a whole 4th of July album, right?

[84:46]Or like several of them.

[84:47]Yeah, we got Born in the USA coming up.

[84:49]There's a couple there out of Bruce Springsteen.

[84:51]I did notice Aaron is holding up all of his Toby Keith vinyl

[84:54]that he has.

[84:54]That's a lot, Aaron.

[84:55]I'm pretty impressed.

[84:56]A lot of it's signed.

[84:57]He's pointing directly at the boot in your ass.

[85:00]Okay, so that's why it's a holiday episode.

[85:01]So I guess, guess what?

[85:03]That's how we're ending it.

[85:04]Aaron likes Toby Keith.

[85:04]Guess what?

[85:05]Happy holidays, everybody.

[85:07]Aaron likes Toby Keith.

[85:08]I'm surprised we made it this far

[85:10]without anyone bringing up the fact

[85:11]that Aaron's wearing an American flag t-shirt

[85:13]with the sleeves cut off the whole time.

[85:14]Yeah.

[85:15]He just, he has a lot of thoughts

[85:18]about how we're doing with the vaccines.

[85:20]All right.

[85:20]So, ran out of steam there, sorry.

[85:22]Okay, I had a thought in my head

[85:24]and then I was like, guess what?

[85:25]This isn't going to be the end

[85:26]because I'm going to edit it in earlier.

[85:28]That's it for Beck Did It Better.

[85:30]I'll edit it like five minutes in.

[85:31]When you want to hear about

[85:34]the greatest albums of all time

[85:37]But you're just too crazy

[85:40]to get up online

[85:42]If you want to hear from guys who chat

[85:46]and then they get off track

[85:48]I've got the perfect podcast for you, Jack.

[85:52]Beck Did It Better.

[85:55]Russ, I actually bought you a gift

[85:58]before this podcast

[85:59]and I think I made a mistake

[86:01]because it was a shirt that just said

[86:02]sex laser on it.

[86:04]So, if you want to forward that to Rosie,

[86:06]that'd be great.

[86:06]That's going to go real terrible

[86:09]when I invite my next date over

[86:10]for the crumbs all over the kitchen floor.

[86:12]Oh, I'm sorry.

[86:14]Are you wearing a sex laser shirt?

[86:15]Yeah.

[86:17]This is crumbs.

[86:18]Don't judge me.

[86:20]Sex laser.

[86:21]Have you not seen my house shoes?

[86:23]House shoes?

[86:25]Gesundheit.