The Bits that Inspired the Hits.

[00:00]We couldn't record this week We were just too tired So Russ picked out clips That he thought were inspired Russell did a great job The clips mostly involve Rob

[00:33]These clips are some of our best At least they're all above average Russell picked out every one So email him if you are upset Clip shows what you're stuck with ♪ We all just want a little rest

[01:01]All Rob had to do was some edits But then he went and got a special guest When you want to hear about The greatest albums of all time But you're just too lazy To look it up online If you want to hear four guys who chat And then they get off track ♪ I've got the perfect podcast for you, Jack

[01:31]Beck did it better So I fly to Arizona I do my business I come back And then I had a different experience On the flight back I was going to see what you thought of this So this one, I had changed my flight And I'm realizing now When you change your flight to a different day You're almost certainly going to end up in a middle seat You're never going to get to pick your seat you want Right? Because you get the last choice of it So I get a middle seat And I'm walking back to Arizona And I'm walking back to the seat And I realize Right to the left

[02:00]So I'm in the middle on the one side There's a person on the aisle And then right next to our aisle Is the bathroom We've got like the middle bathroom So then we've got people standing over us the whole time But an interesting thing So I go to my middle seat It's this guy wearing a cowboy hat He gets up out of the aisle And I look And the armrest between our seats is up So he is taking the armrest and put it up So I sit down And then I have to make the decision Do I just leave the armrest up And have a little bit more time A little bit more room But potentially sit Like where we're going to be touching each other

[02:31]Or do I put the armrest down And have less room But kind of guarantee There's going to be no physical contact What would the move be? Oh you have to put it down No you lean right on that guy You just see what happens He put it up to be a nice guy He's a cowboy He's putting it up to be a nice guy I'm just going to tell you None of you guys have been a big fat guy on a plane before Just by your arrogance That you think people wouldn't mind Because I can tell you what happens If you're a big fat guy on a plane You're going to sit down You're going to put your arm up Slightly where your arm goes And it's a little bit in their territory

[03:01]Especially if the armrest isn't down And they're going to take a picture of it And put it all over Twitter And be like look at this fat slob That's my number one fear in life Is that it's going to be my arm on an airplane picture Like I fell asleep and this person's arm is in my space Like you have to put down the rest Just so everybody knows what's what It looks rude but you got to do it I kept it up I kept the armrest up I put my arms like in the middle Of my chest And like straight ahead I did not move my hand Like I just sat very straight forward the whole time

[03:32]And another key was I had checked the bag And so because I checked my bag I could put my backpack up above Which meant I had more foot room below And it was much easier to like Just stay very straight But I sat with the armrest up the whole time We barely ever made elbow contact And I got to say I kind of enjoyed it There was a little bit more room You're barebacking your airplane rides You're raw dogging on the airplane now Yes Oh my god Oh my god You're not even a safe passenger That is crazy

[04:01]That's never going to talk to me again Look at his face Can you imagine you're sitting next to somebody And they put up the armrest in between you I'd be like oh excuse me Excuse me We do not have that relationship with the armrest I've got another question though A little bit unrelated Did anybody have to check their bag Because there wasn't any room in the overhead Because you put your backpack up there No you know what So Matt if I'm not putting a bag up I try to be the last person on the plane Gotcha So if I'm only bringing a backpack on

[04:31]I'm one of the final five people to walk on And so I'm only going to put it in a spot Where there's a little sliver of a spot And I know nobody else needs it So yeah So my latest thing is that You get on these plights right And somebody's got their bag They're pulling along Yeah Then they've got their backpack And then they've got their jacket And maybe like a hat or something And then they have a name tag on That says Rob's wife And they're also carrying Extraordinarily hot coffee So they can't help with the kids in any way Right And then yeah Then the thing's rolling weird And they're trying to get Their earphones out and everything Right Instead of just doing But they put everything up top

[05:01]A giant book Everything And they don't wait You know like Russell you're waiting I appreciate that That's a good That's a gentleman move on your part And then the real gentleman move Is keep that arm rest Keep that arm rest Just to give him a little nudge Oh my god I'm so scared to ever travel I'm so glad that the times I've traveled With you guys I've just met you somewhere Like I'm so terrified If Matt would ever see my airport behavior I mean rubbing arms with a stranger next to me I'd rather they open the door And I'm taking a picture And I'm taking a shit in the bathroom Than me rubbing my elbow With somebody else's elbow For hours out of flight

[05:30]I can't believe he didn't put it back down though So I mean like He had it It was He didn't put it up when I got there It was already up And so I just kind of slid into the seat And then had to make the decision Do I put it back down Or just leave it where it is And I just left it Savage I feel like this is like You guys touching toes Under the toilet stall Like there's some sign Like if you sit next to somebody And the thing is up That's like a pineapple Like they are ready to swing They are ready to get down It's crazy It's like wiping your cheesy fingers On another man's socks On a plane right You went by your own sock

[06:03]Not someone else's I mean yeah If you like If you sit down And he lifts Like if the armrest is down Before you sit down And you sit down And then he lifts it up Like then you have no choice But to like hold hands with him Like then you're like Oh well this guy Like clearly needs to like Be closer to me And like well We'll just you know like I'm not going to catch an SCD From holding hands We'll just do that I just left it up I didn't lift it It was already up And I left it That's just like Lifting it up though I think that's You think so Yeah it's I don't think it's the same at all It feels a little more consensual

[06:31]When you left it up Like when he gave you the option You were like Okay I will rub elbows with you For two hours No I think it's different It'd be like If I sat down And his zipper on his pants Was down And I just ignored it Versus if I went And unzipped his pants It's totally different Yeah that's what I mean If his pants are unzipped And you don't say anything That's like the armrest being up Yeah You putting the armrest up Is like you unzipping the pants But you're right It is similar It's a similar It's a similar thing Where you're like Well the guy's got the pants unzipped Well we better move it along Before I tell you about

[07:00]The rest of this flight Then we better get to the album Oh I just can imagine That here's this guy He's rubbing elbows with you Everybody's staring at you While they are trying to think About not going to the bathroom And here's Russell Taking picture after picture Of Jessica Rabbit On the On the screen in front of him That's so great I just love it From 1970 This is album 85 The eponymous John Lennon Slash Plastic Ono Band The eponymous John Lennon Guys This is the first album That John Lennon did After his Primal scream therapy

[07:31]His scream therapy That he did Scream therapy I gotta check out That scream therapy myself And I gotta say Courtney Cox Is so good in those movies I couldn't believe it I was just There's a new one I get why that worked I could understand Listen let's You know what This is I've decided that we're gonna turn K-Rob is actually playing right now Kind of a serial You know kind of a show That is every week It's called It's kind of a story Let's listen in right now Let's check it out Sounds exciting Previously on

[08:01]Beck Did It Better An interesting thing So I go to my middle seat There's this guy Wearing a cowboy hat He gets up out of the aisle And I look And the armrest Between our seats Is up So he is taking the armrest And put it up So I sit down And then I have to Make the decision Do I just leave The armrest up And have a little bit more room But potentially sit Like where we're gonna be Touching each other And then I have to In the middle of a flight In the middle of a flight

[08:32]Russ plays his game Russell knows He wants to touch Elbow Touching forearms Turns him on I kept it up I kept the armrest up He likes the middle seat best So sweet

[09:00]Cause then he can lift up Both armrests Yeah It's his menage a trois He's rubbing Elbow's raw Touching forearms Turns him on Yeah It's his menage a trois Touching forearms

[09:32]Turns the armrests on I kept it up I kept the armrest up You use the bathroom and leave When you return You can see you rolled up the sleeves Oh no Is that a route we did? Why Russ? Russ Never flies

[10:02]Comfort blood Touching forearms Turns him on Yes! Now Yes It might surprise you That I had a longer version Of that song That included the rhyme Both arm guards And gets hard And I was like You know the song is so sweet There's no reason to spoil it See these sleeves Are all rolled up Rob They're all rolled up He's raw dogging it I've got a great podcast For you Jack

[10:30]Beck did it better I kept it up Listen everybody This is Beck did it better That was all in two days You heard all that music In what a day and a half? Two days? It was two days And I also That's awesome This might need to get cut out But you guys want to hear One of the biggest dating disaster stories In the history of the podcast I don't know We're so busy Oh jeez I'm not sure This one's going a little long The clash really started punk

[11:00]So I think we should talk about that But okay We'll carve out some time for this Okay So I found this local And I was like Well we could split a room Because that You know If we get a room We can stay down We can stay down in Stillwater We can split a room Two queens You know Just put a sock on the door Hey Matt Matt and I split a room in Vegas It turns out There was a frosted shower window That we could see each other's outline Every time we were in the shower And I was like Matt Can you please stop beating off For two seconds Watching me shower by the way

[11:30]Not in the shower Just in case So I did it right So 4th of July is real big in Stillwater They do huge fireworks show Over the St. Croix at night Thousands of people come down there So what do I do? I get one of the rooms With an outdoor balcony Right overlooking the St. Croix So we don't even have to go down Into the thousands of people We can watch it from the comfort Of our own outdoor patio deck Baller On the room I'm thinking baller right? Perfect move right? Nailed it So this is fantastic So we get there in the first night We check out the

[12:00]The balcony and everything We sit out there for a minute I don't know if I sat out there But the person I was with The local Sat out there for a minute Your roommate Russ is like Too many people What were you doing? Too many people out here Your roommate Russ is putting Five do not disturb signs On the door Just to make sure That he doesn't see a soul So eventually we went out And we went and got some drinks Or whatever and dinner And we got back And it was probably about Midnight or something like this And we walked in And I think I don't know if I went

[12:30]And grabbed something From the lobby Or ice or something From the lobby And I came up And the local who was with me She says Hey there's bugs in here And I was like What are you talking about? And she points at the wall And there's like this big mosquito So I go up and just kind of smash I'm like I think we're done We're good She goes No you don't even You don't understand What I'm talking about I'm like I just killed it And she goes No look up ahead Look up above I look up above And there's 10,000 naps Flying around Up in the In the On the wall Of the hotel Because

[13:00]Now that's ironic It could have been me It could have been the local Did not shut the door On the balcony When we When we left for the night So it's like Midnight And they're all All over This isn't something You can just ignore There are thousands of them Up on the ceiling And the wall It's like What do you do? Russell This is totally your fault You're not going This is totally your fault I can't believe That you did that And allowed this to happen In this room It was my fault That's wild It was my fault

[13:30]Yeah I can't believe you did that But That is the worst So what do you do? I mean because Yeah what do you do? I need a I need a vacuum I mean This is not getting bugged Like Aaron When he was visiting That friend instead of us And actually getting bugged And recorded For the voicemail This is a different Kind of getting bugged So I go down I go down to the lobby And I was like We've got bugs I didn't say that Anyone left a door Open I just said We have bugs All over the room Smart Can we move To a different room And they say We're all full

[14:00]You can't move To a different room We got nothing Usually that's just Them being lazy They don't want to Do anything right Yeah Totally They just don't want to Make any effort So essentially I'm like Do you have bug spray Or anything like that So eventually They give me This can of bug spray I walk back up Walk into the room Ask the local To go stand outside For a little bit On the balcony Shut the door And And I just Nuke Nuclear bomb This room With bug spray And then cleaned up The walls

[14:30]And then we essentially Oh wow Then we essentially Sat outside For about 45 minutes To an hour Deciding Do we Uber home Because there was no driving At this point Yeah And Do we Uber Do we Uber home Or do I Uber her back To her local Local place Where she's staying And then go home Or do we just Tough it out And do we stay In the room Where all the bugs Were in all the bug spray Was at What would you guys Have done Tough it out I This Stay there This situation Is so insane I can't even think

[15:00]About what I would do If If Sleep in the bathroom I don't know Yeah Yeah Knowing where you live I mean it's It's a You can drive home Like a car ride It's a little bit Of a longer ride right But if you're buzzed At all Yeah like There's no way So if I was sober I'd absolutely Beeline it out of there And go home Beeline That reminds Russ Of that room God Bees So we We ended up We ended up You know Sprayed A bunch of spray On them Cleaned a bunch Cleaned it up As well as we can And then ended up Staying outside For a while And then Ended up Staying down there

[15:30]Because it was like If you go back At that point It was the first night It's kind of like The trip screwed At that point Right Like you can't Leave and then come back It's over Right Could you sleep On the balcony Did you think Of sleeping On the balcony There's More bugs Out there There were bugs All over So this is one of Like these You know It's a still water town There's not enough wind To move the water Or the bugs Right Rob It's still water Makes you think And there are literally Just when you walk up To the hotel at night There are bugs All over Just all over And so Every single bug

[16:00]That saw a light In our room Took advantage of it That night Oh my god We stayed And then I had the local Go down and tell The hotel The next morning They need to come up here And do some cleaning Oh Actually The local was insistent On doing that So your date Went down to the front desk And said Listen you gotta come Clean this room I mean Yeah And then the next morning Yes They look up And they're like It's real bad Nice work You're gonna have to Clean this up It's real bad Yeah We put down plastic But it still got all over

[16:30]I don't know Like he's just He's like nice work Dude Listen We tried to spray for it We tried to spray You know We tried all sorts Of different things But no You're gonna have to Come clean this up Yeah Have you guys ever Had something like that You took a trip somewhere And something went way wrong And it ruined the whole trip Or anything or no Russell That's the most insane story I've ever heard in my life And I am begging you I will cut off a finger If you let us keep this In the podcast Please This is an all time story That you slept in a hotel room Full of bugs

[17:00]And not in a Well we killed We killed the bugs And wiped them up Like I literally went through Like three bath towels Of wiping up dead bugs Oh my god Wow I mean I've heard about Bugged hotel rooms In the Chuck Berry way But not This is the Russell now Now the Russell means two things Moving all the drinks to the table And filling up a room with bugs That you were paying to sleep On In Fear factor shit Russell Also I'm sure this is Yeah I'm sure this This has happened

[17:30]And there's some story out there Because Sarah will remember it And tell me like Why didn't you tell him that story You know kind of a thing And so I'm sure there's something The only thing I think of is When we were traveling once For baseball When I was coaching I think And you go to these small towns These colleges are And you pull up these hotels And they're just God awful motels Kind of a thing right But the college is trying to save a buck And so Then you're like Oh my goodness This is just the worst thing ever But no I can't I can't think of anything Where it's been Your fault It would be my fault too Russell

[18:01]So you know I don't know if it'd be Something that I did That would make this happen like this But there is nothing worse Than sleeping in a Someplace new like that Or Someplace you're only there For a night or two Like a hotel or a motel And just feeling Like creepy crawly Because of the situation So oof I don't like that situation Russell this is You're gonna This is gonna get edited out But in Vegas this year For powerlifting Jenny before me Clogged the toilet And I didn't know it Too much toilet paper She put down I took

[18:32]This was after I had eaten At the Heart Attack Grill Post like cut Me eating anything I took The world's biggest shit And tried to flush it Nowhere Doesn't go Anywhere And I'm like What What is No And I And of course you look You look left You look right There's nothing

[19:01]No plunger No So now I'm like Okay There's another bathroom In this hotel room Okay The hotel room is Relatively bug free Which is something I always look for In hotel rooms We can just Close this door And ignore it And maybe It's gonna unclog itself Right Like maybe So I close the lid Close the door Totally forget To tell Jenny about it She comes back

[19:30]Goes in And goes Jesus Christ What is going on And I said Well actually This is your fault You clogged the toilet Okay I didn't realize What was going on So then we just Leave it there For like three days While we're hanging out In Vegas We're using the other bathroom Every day I go in and check Maybe it's unclogged itself I go in I look No Nothing So the last day We're leaving it Like six in the morning I call the front desk And I'm like listen My wife clogged the toilet And I put A twenty On the toilet

[20:00]Seat On this thing And we left We're gone A tip I don't know If it's a tip Or if it's like Blood money Sorry Compensation An apology Yeah Blood money I mean Probably not enough They probably saw the twenty And go oh no Like if you walked in If you were the Janitorial services And somebody Called and said There's something wrong With the toilet And you walked in And there's a twenty On the toilet for you You'd be like This can't be good This is not good This is like the hurt locker I do not want to open this toilet

[20:30]I should just quit this job Explode The hurt locker Speaking of Toilets like this This might have to get cut out too But is there anything So far we're at zero minutes On this episode Everything's been edited out so far You know what I hate Is going to a hotel room Bugs in your hotel room Where they do something funky With the bathroom This bathroom had A barn A slide room Sliding barn door on it No So it's like there's no When you slut When you shut the door You can hear everything Out of the bathroom Oh right Yeah That's bullshit Well like who the fuck

[21:00]Is thinking like Hey let's do this This would be a great way To make the hotel room More inviting Like what are we doing here Are you jacking off And crying in the shower What What no If If Rob If you needed to do that This hotel It would have worked Because each floor Had an open Unisex bathroom Anyone on the whole floor Could use It was like There you go If you need an escape From the barn door room You could go find A little more privacy But I was like If you go in that Unisex bathroom And it's closed And the lid is closed

[21:30]And there's a 20 On the top Don't open it Go back to the barn door Your date's like I can hear you Jacking off and crying Over all these bugs Let's listen to K-Rob K-R-O-B Welcome to K-Rob K-R-O-B This is just a quick reminder That we're not going to be That Russell went on a date And his hotel room Was full of bugs Oh yeah 403 My hotel room number I need assistance But not a plumber

[22:02]Someone left the door open And it wasn't me And now the buggies Have us outnumbered Going on a date And it's happening soon So I get a nice hotel room We open the door We leave on a light We have a million roommates That night Go to the front desk And I ask them please Can they find another room for me? I was hoping for some Kissing and hugging But now it turns out This whole room is bugging Grab a can of Raid And I go inside I commit bug genocide

[22:30]Well the bugs in the room My style is cramping I paid for a room But it feels like camping Gotta clean up the bugs So I grab a towel Can't wait to hit the winery Tomorrow Hoping she was screaming Like it's hysteria But we just got A bad case of malaria 403 It's my room number It's full of bugs And we can't slumber There's crickets And I think I see Some centipedes This isn't good And that's a huge bummer Speaking of eating

[23:02]Someone else's dinner I gotta watch how I do this But uh So Keep that in The other night Me and this dessert fan We had We had these two desserts We had a piece of carrot cake And a piece of cheesecake And it was kind of The end of the night And We were watching TV Or something like that And this The dessert Aficionado Fell asleep Weren't awake I was asleep for about At least an hour I decide I'm gonna eat the carrot cake

[23:30]And I eat it I eat the whole thing That's an alpha move I love it I eat the whole thing And I didn't really think much of it When this person woke up I was kind of mentioned Hey I put that cheesecake In the fridge The carrot cake is now gone And this person I was with Legit had a shit fit out of it For eating the carrot cake What are your guys thoughts? Thoughts on eating Something like that Was it established That half of that Should have been hers? It was probably implied There was never a conversation But I was definitely in the wrong

[24:00]I would start throwing elbows If I was in that If I was I am completely on this This foodies side It's not an exaggeration Russell To say that you should be executed That is not an exaggeration Well that is the way they treated me I'll just put it that way So I've started doing Like I'll go to You know One of these pizza places And I'll get a pizza And I'll purposely Like bring half home Because I love day old pizza Like the next day Heating it up You know Stuff like that So I'll bring home for lunch You know

[24:30]But the kids will be like Oh I'm going to have lunch today And oh dad's got pizza there I'll have the pizza And I'm like No The worst And I just I'm not You know If they want Great Have it guys Have it you know Whatever But it is It's getting to that point I'm trying to figure out Maybe when they're like 13 When I can start Just saying Get your own goddamn pizza He's going to start Taking withdrawals From their 529 Like yeah You guys Go ahead and have that pizza But here's 100 bucks On your 529 Here's all I know Russell Is if I woke up From my slumber Especially with carrot cake

[25:00]Okay God carrot cake And I thought to myself I am going to go have A little Just a nibble Just a little schnibble Of this carrot cake That's in the fridge Just a little stab And You tell me That it's gone Because you ate it While I was sleeping Yes I would fucking Go ballistic I would fucking I would do like The ice pick Under the bed It would be so bad There's a cheesecake In there for you Rob I didn't eat both of them I just took one of the two I don't want The cheesecake Russell

[25:30]What I wanted Was the carrot cake And that's why We ordered it You know And if it was If it was me Russell That's the only way I get vegetables Is by eating carrot cake And so you know Now you're just Making me now I don't want to eat Dessert when I'm not hungry I want to wait Until I'm hungry Russell And I didn't get a chance Because you ate it And I didn't get a chance And now I'm mad So can I tell you When this person got Legit upset Not jokingly upset I thought it was Joking upset at first And then I realized It was legit upset Oh no This is not a joking matter I kind of did

[26:01]I kind of laughed And mocked I started saying Oh poor you And then that didn't Go over very well Russell If it's anything Like what I'm dealing with I can tell you That is very bad to do Should not be doing that It sounds related To things that Rob does They Sounds like They do They don't like to be mocked It sounds Familiar In a way Sometimes they hear Themselves being mocked Sometimes somebody's Just editing a podcast Without headphones on And they hear them being mocked And they get really mad

[26:30]About it Oh poor you You didn't get any Oh Oh I'm sorry Are you putting something On the internet Where you're talking about 69ing me on top Huh You know , I'm just making that up Yeah, this is Boyz II Men The song is On Bended Knee And this is where he is Making a low bass voice apology Girl I'm sorry Every guy My age Our age knows how this starts

[27:00]Yeah I'm sorry baby Baby Baby I'm sorry Yes Please forgive me For all the wrong I've done Please forgive me Please come back home girl I know you put all your trust in me What was worse Was when Jay-Z Covered this on the 444 album Yeah Please baby I'm so sorry I know that When we went to the restaurant And we picked the dessert together You thought you were gonna get Part of that carrot cake And then when you woke up That carrot cake was gone

[27:30]And you knew That I got to taste All the carrot cake I could have easily Taken only half the carrot cake Got just a taste And that would have been fine But baby no I ate the whole carrot cake And for that I am truly sorry But instead of doing that I decided to say Oh Yeah I love you You didn't want it You didn't want it Russell did the Russell did the poor you Anybody want a peanut? Russell said Anybody want a peanut?

[28:00]I only don't know No baby oil Russell is Russell is missing out His wrestling impression We should be doing a wrestling podcast We should be doing a podcast For sure Hey That's what I'm saying That's the other thing That doesn't work Is a carrot cake apology Is just your macho Manifestation Doesn't help it a bit Doesn't help a bit Mrs. Elizabeth Is coming in here Trying to tell me I don't get to eat

[28:30]All the carrot cake Cause she's out back sleeping And cream cheese frosting Rose to the top And I ate it Mrs. Elizabeth Oh yeah I just want you To picture this Aaron Just picture you're married And say to me You're gonna be You're gonna be The woman in this And you say to me Did you eat the carrot cake? I'm upset about you Eating the carrot cake I thought there was Some carrot cake left Did you Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me For eating the carrot cake?

[29:00]Get out of here You know You're just joking You mad about me Eating all the carrot cake You don't like I ate all the carrot cake Whiny baby Just go buy yourself Some more Oh you woke up Thinking you're gonna Have carrot cake And you didn't Cause I ate the whole piece Okay I didn't even enjoy The last part of it Just shoved it down Really only Wanted half I didn't want to leave Half though That's true You really don't ever Need the whole piece Start to dry Why are you mad at me? God you're always Yelling at me That's the move I pull out at that point God you know I'm just joking

[29:30]I'm just trying to have fun Not everything is a joke Rob Yeah I've I've known Nobody's ever told me That before And I've never even Told this to my kids And had my eyes Rolled to the back of my head As I said it Just quit goofing around You're just goofing around Oh you think it's funny To say things That are offensive Just to get a laugh? Who taught you this? Did your mom teach you this? I'm sorry for watching you dad I'm gonna say it's rolling bone I think it should be A little higher on the list It's not like a top 10 Or top 20 for me personally

[30:01]But it seems like It's super influential Plus they've got the Super low bass voice guy I'm all about that Yeah Girl I'm so sorry I took your dessert And I'm so sorry I'm doing this bit again I'm desperate for a laugh I really don't see Why it's that big of a deal I left you One of the other ones In the fridge Doesn't seem like It should be that Big of a deal And I was expecting We could split that other one As well So please don't eat The whole thing Technically that is What we did do With the other one Is split it

[30:30]Rob So it sounds like You had 75% She had 25% Much like somebody else I know Alright Today we have an intro song That was sent in By somebody not on the podcast What? What? Okay No for real? No not really But just come on Relax I was excited But it just Well listen Hold on Do you guys Do you guys really think Rob would let somebody else Do the intro song? Matt and I Have each done like one And I think Rob deleted Those off the website

[31:00]I did do the cake fart one We've each got one Matt wrote that one And I recorded it I did the money one On Pink Floyd And I think Rob Cut that We should play that again We have to play that The best of again That was phenomenal Don't poke Rob In the stomach Like this isn't right Don't do that I gotta say I gotta say I gotta say to you guys This is one though Where I almost called somebody To get a quote To put on the song And I was like Russell be too bad If I do it I can't do it I got the number I can call if I want to Alright listen Let's just turn on the radio

[31:30]Maybe it's a song By a third party Or maybe it's just Rob Pretending like It's a third party Which is gonna give Russell conflicting emotions Jack enough Thinking about me What's up everybody Welcome to K-Rob We got a song today Sent in by Russell's date Oh no When people split Desserts They each get a part It doesn't matter If it's a brownie Or a tart I thought it was common sense When Russ took me out to dine I picked something good to eat

[32:01]I was happy it was mine We couldn't finish the dessert Cause we also got a shake Well I will just finish it After I awake Russell he ate it all When I was asleep And then when I got mad at him Well he made fun of me I said to Russ That there no more us And I'm thinking I should kick him in the balls

[32:31]Russell eating my cake for breakfast I can't believe that Russell ate it all Yes Russell is a creep You just need to divide it man Aaron would Never do this to me When you want to hear about

[33:01]The greatest albums of all time But you're just too lazy I don't even know if you noticed But Russell ate it for breakfast That's a fun little twist on that song And then they get off track I don't even know if you noticed I've got the perfect podcast for you I'll tell you right now This was a really hard Better This is a really hard parody song to do Because there's so many songs That could apply to Russell eating the dessert Like what? Rolling in the deep

[33:30]Obviously Russell is a creep No problem Plus there's a part where You could have had it all I was like well I gotta do that song Rumor has it Yup I could have done it about that Turning tables You know it Don't you remember Absolutely Set fire to the rain No He won't go No The seventh time The seventh song on this album Is literally called Take it all But it's not as popular So I was like I can't do that But that would have been perfect I'll be waiting Yup That's it One and only Yup I could do it to that Obviously not love song But someone like you Yes Okay

[34:00]Rob I told you I told you we don't use that word On the podcast Song Alright so Talk about that last one How's it going with you? How's it going with Rob? Somebody on Facebook wrote That Cheetos smell like feet And now I'm like Now I can't think of anything else When I'm looking at Cheetos Or thinking about Cheetos Or eating Cheetos How often are you eating Cheetos? I don't know Not Not more than once a week For sure When Rob's eating feet All he can think about is Cheetos Do you guys think

[34:32]Do you guys Think about a smell of a Cheeto right now? Do they smell Do feet smell like that to you? No Okay I gotta get to a doctor I gotta get to a doctor right now This is really really bad Next time you're eating Cheetos Just think Is this what somebody's foot smells like? What's your favorite Cheeto by the way? Are you guys a puff? Are you eating? I have never Oh no The puffs are the worst I kinda like the puffs You put them in your mouth And they just disintegrate

[35:00]Into Cheeto-y Puffs are good The puff is like the version For the two-year-old kid Who doesn't have the physical capabilities To eat a real Cheeto Yeah I like the regular ones They're so crunchy and gnarly I like those Like the cheese dust Gets into all the crags I like that I kinda like the ones That are just the paws Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Where it's the puffy paws Oh I remember those Those are You're a feet guy Yep I knew that One time I One time I opened up the bag of paws And I got a dollar bill That came out of it With a foul-smelling liquid The only food I think smells like feet

[35:32]Is feta cheese That's about it I can hear that Yeah I can feel that Aaron what food do you think Smells like feet? Well that's an interesting question You asked Rob I was gonna save that for a I was gonna save that For another rolling cone But I have a current A current addiction To a particular brand of popcorn It's called Cosmic Corn And they make a flavor called Hippie Dust And the Hippie Dust It's made in Santa Rosa, California The Hippie Dust is a

[36:01]Popcorn covered in nutritional yeast And a lot of people think That nutritional yeast Smells like feet I do not But I cannot I've eaten half a bag Of this popcorn Since I opened it yesterday And I Every time I go to the store now I buy a bag of the Hippie Dust popcorn I eat way too much of it Every time I don't think it smells like feet But other people Aaron Aaron is eating this popcorn Covered in yeast And then scratching his balls And being like Oh no That was a big mistake And it just itches For the rest of his life It just is red And like bright Like bright red

[36:30]I was gonna try to wait To bring that until next week But you asked about food That smells like feet And like that's just You're fucking eating popcorn With yeast on it? Yeah nutritional yeast This stuff is amazing Stop saying that Stop saying nutritional yeast to me It's yeast Stop saying nutritional yeast Like it's something We all know what it is Fuck off Stop Stop saying that That's what it's called It's called nutritional yeast Some people call it Some people call it Nooch For short No Stop Shut up Nobody calls it nooch Aaron Don't put that away And don't point downward

[37:00]When you call it nooch The nooch Is inappropriate Hey The nooch The nooch is loose The nooch is looch Man you asked I was gonna try To bring it up Hey bro You nooch Can I have some of that nooch? Dude Dude You could totally nooch This nooch Ow Let me get a nooch Of that nooch Are you guys talking about Nutritional yeast? Said nobody ever Fuck off What is No You know what Shut up I'm not gonna ask you What nutritional yeast is

[37:30]I don't know what it is I don't know It tastes delicious You shut up It's just yeast It's like deacon parmesan I don't know It's delicious I love it I can't stop eating this popcorn I'm gonna eat some As soon as we get off this podcast Nutritional yeast It's just yeast It's delicious So if you put this popcorn Into dough It would then just rise What if you eat the popcorn? And then eat some bread Enjoy That's a dangerous Dangerous game you're playing there Hey Aaron I've got some I've got some nutritional I've got some popcorn here If you You should really dig deep In the bag though Because all the nutritional yeast Is at the bottom If you reach in real deep

[38:01]Into this popcorn I bet you can grab a nooch Is there a sun in here? What's going on? It's so hot Why is it so hot? I did have a few online dates Who broke up with me Because when I showed them My nutritional yeast Dear nooch That's going to be a nooch From me dog It's nutritional It's nutritional It's going to be a nooch From me dog Are you going to go on A second date with that guy? No He kept showing me his nooch He couldn't do his nutritional

[38:32]He kept saying it was A seminal nutritional yeast This doesn't make any sense To me at all He kept saying the nooch Is looch And then laughing It doesn't even make sense What's nooch? It's actually a nickname For nutritional yeast We get so sick of saying Nutritional yeast So much in our life That we had to come up With a nickname for it Can you see Aaron and his wife Like sitting on the couch? They probably don't have a couch They probably sit In like some sort of Bean bags Uncomfortable I guarantee they have

[39:00]Bean bag chairs We do not have bean bags Bean bag chairs And it's just covered in nooch There's nooch all over the place Their favorite movie Is Tom Hanks eating the popcorn And it's called Turner and Nooch Oh Yeah I was a big fan of that song Back in the 90s Who got the nooch Baby Who got the only Sweetest thing in the world Who got the nooch Baby

[39:32]Rolling gold We can't think of anything else That rhymes with nooch We're pathetic Okay So that's it guys Gooch Let's talk about the nooch Let's talk about the nooch Seems like it's about that time Let's talk about some music Yeah Oh wow So let's just recap real quick When I asked Aaron What food does he think Smells like feet He said Oh it's my nooch

[40:00]Wait this isn't right My nooch smells like feet Rob has somehow Like flipped this on Aaron So Rob talks about How much work he does For this podcast every week And what he came prepared with Was rolling going was I saw some people say Nooch Cheetos smell like feet That was like That was it That was what you contributed To the creative part Of the podcast was Do cheetos smell like feet And now you're ripping Aaron for it Because I eat food

[40:31]That people actually think Smells like feet I'm actually out here Doing the work Of does this food Smell like feet or not And Rob's just reading The takes on the internet And that's all he's got To bring to the discourse Rob messed it up so bad Some would say He screwed the nooch Rob messed it up so bad Oh my god What news feed do you have That's feeding you stories Like this Rob That tells you I'll tell you what This reminds me of that song Wango Tango By Ted Nooch Well I did tell you guys I went to that Mediterranean restaurant

[41:01]And had Baba Ganuch It's delicious I know that you smell like feet I think I love that Who song Baba Ganuch Baba Ganuch We put that on a shirt Put that on a shirt Wear it to the concert And be like Baba Ganuch When this episode comes out You might get it If you were paying attention For the 10 minutes Where they were talking About nooch That'd be the end

[41:31]Yeah We got a whole album To get through now Guys Yeah you down with OPP I am naughty by nooture Let's turn on K-Rob K-R-O-B For the first time tonight Definitely not Having edited out An earlier stoppage Here we go What's up everybody Welcome to the show Welcome to K-Rob K-R-O-B Listen I want to tell you About a little snack That has been on the Rise in popularity In fact You might say You need some dough To buy this Oh no You know what I'm talking about

[42:01]Oh yeah We asked Matt What food smelled like a foot Yeah And Aaron said I know something good Something good I got a pop For that taste unique It's what I like to find I covered it In nutritional yeast Yes Snack

[42:33]Nutritional yeast He's got it in his lap Yeah he falls asleep He takes a nap His feet Popcorn falls On his M-U-T's Now his balls Are so itchy He's covered his crotch With nutritional yeast He likes it Cause he is so perky Perky

[43:01]So Aaron The new thing is That you put nutritional yeast On your balls Because you like The way it feels Just in case you miss Oh okay I mean it might work Like If you want to hear Gold Bond or something I haven't tried it But I guess it's Worth a shot I think Gold Bond Is the opposite of yeast Gold Bond is the Immortal enemy of yeast In my experience I'll never forget I saw an unnamed guy On the football team Go to the trainer once And I was like

[43:30]Look at this Jock itch I have And he lifted up his shorts And it looked like Raw hamburger It's seared in my mind I remember that more Than the birth of Either one of my kids To be fair Rob I recall this person And the person Will remain unnamed But this person Also played Intramural basketball With Aaron and I For one year And there was a game Where he wore Very short shorts And just like Pushed that rash Into people So they backed away And he would just get Layups free every time Yeah that stuff was

[44:00]Potent It was nuclear It was so gross I've never seen Anything like that Jock itch should only Be used for good Not for evil I don't think you should Bully people With your jock itch That seems wrong Listen Rob Roland going How's it going with you Look at me Look what I got More notes Oysters Canned oysters I am now going to eat Some canned oysters On air Right in front of you Live on air I bought some now I was told I was supposed To buy crackers With this Well I wasn't bought some

[44:30]I was gifted some I'll just put it there This is like when This is like when Rob Remember Aaron will remember this When he made us watch him Eat cookies Before a podcast And you're like No you guys sit here And you watch me Eat these cookies What are you talking about I didn't make you guys Watch me eat cookies Eat cookies Aaron did he make us do it Yeah Oh Yes Jesus Christ What the fuck How many oysters are in there I'm not doing this There's like a hundred There's 16 Just eat them Just take them all down In one thing Oh my god

[45:00]Look at this guys Look at what this looks like There's definitely Oh I spilled it on my computer Oh no That's really bad Rob's going to have to Bring his laptop Back into the IT department So much oil He's got Oh no Oh no He's playing all the noises Gotta go to A different cap That doesn't play that anymore We had an explosion Of the club soda Last week And look what happened This week No more food

[45:31]Or drink Oh no The jingle bells The jingle bells Is on a loop Okay so that's Actually quite bad My keyboard is So once again Guy who got Cookie crumbs In the power thing I am now Going to have to go Oh my god It smells terrible Aaron What did you do to me You fucked me So hard Aaron Oh my god I'm going to get fired For this I spilled oysters Oh my god

[46:01]This is so This stinks so bad Oh my computer Oh it just smells So bad in here Oh my god We're so screwed Aaron What did you do to me I well You So did you eat one yet No It smells terrible Oh my god It smells like oysters In here Does everybody know So you were showing us In the zoom camera And you tilted The can And all of the oyster juice Spilled all over your laptop And it turns out There is a ton

[46:30]Of oyster juice Did not realize How much oyster juice And then you started Hitting buttons No The buttons were the That was the computer Like going nuts Okay wait Now I gotta see What's actually happening here I can't see you guys I think I just Broke my computer With Frickin Oyster juice That's kind of delightful I'm not gonna I'm not gonna lie to you Not delightful actually Aaron Not He said

[47:00]Oh Aaron You fucked me so hard Yeah I don't I don't get how that happened You did You made me open this This is your bit Kind of Wait No It's not my bit It's the thing I do Like It's the thing I do We are So Okay listen To you It seemed like Nothing went wrong In the audience It seemed like Everything's fine Not a big deal Okay To you

[47:30]It doesn't seem like We just stopped For a half hour And panicked About whether or not My computer Is now a victim Of the Oyster sauce Spilling on the computer And by the way I would have to go into tech Yet again And tell them That I got more food On my computer I just Quickly And this time Instead of cookies It's going to be Raw oysters Out of a can No All of these things Are wrong First of all Oyster sauce And the oil In a tin Of smoked oysters Are two entirely Different things Oyster sauce

[48:00]Is a whole different thing It's a sort of You know Dark Gelatinous Sauce I know what Oyster sauce is Don't talk down to me I know what it is I have some And these oysters In your tin rob Are not raw They're smoked oysters So I just want to Interject those two Two things And then let's keep Keep rolling Oh Okay so I'm going to show you I'm going to not tip The tin this time Don't drop I'm going to tip the camera That fucking oyster thing After what we just went through Look at this So there are the oysters

[48:30]Can you guys see Matt Matt I know you're not looking On purpose Matt I don't want to Yeah I know I don't want to I don't want to watch this Okay so They're not meant to look at They No They look Like bugs They look like Bugs of the sea Which is what they are When I'm looking at them now I realize they're just Little bugs And yet if I were Buying these oysters On the shelf In New York City I would be eating Approximately $20 Worth right now So I have put the oysters Onto a Half of a hamburger bun Now I did sop Some of the oil Off the desk

[49:00]With the bun Beforehand So I do have a little Extra flavor in there I am now going to try This raw Smoked oysters Out of a tin On bread And as I said before No problems have resulted From this This is going to be Worth it big time Aaron Did you take your Did you take your date To like an oyster place Instead of the olive garden Is that why she ended up Making out with Randy Now that I think about it That might have been the issue That might have been the issue If you're going to Iowa's biggest oyster place You might be in big trouble Yeah

[49:31]Now that you mention it Maybe that was the problem How are the oysters Rob? Look at Rob's chowing down He likes them He's going to finish That whole tin Telling you he is Listen I had my suspicions That was absolutely delicious I love oysters Out of a tin I didn't have to mess With shucking them And I didn't have to Put sauce on it I ate it with bread And now my body Just feels oily Like I feel oily From the inside out Guys That was absolutely delicious

[50:01]Oh Oh Oh that feels I feel healthier I feel strong I feel like really strong Oysters are Like it's unstoppable Dude oysters are good For your balls man Like they're good For the For the male So I'll tell you I think it's the zinc In them Or It makes them zinc down lower Yeah They're so low They've zunked down low So far already Aaron They do kind of zinc down A little bit Maybe that's shrimp I don't know I think it's both Oysters are supposed to be An aphrodisiac right?

[50:30]Rob is it a problem What? One of them zincs A little bit lower Than the other one No That's normal actually Actually let's Let's test that Rob Why don't you oil up With the rest of that oyster oil And then go hop into bed And then let us know Next week how it turned out Oh yeah Yeah Testy that So here's the thing Let's talk about What are we talking about again Oysters? What are we talking about? I'll stay with Bitches Brew From 1997 This is Baduism From Erika Badu Guys I know this is Erika Badu But what about the rest of the

[51:00]Badu Planeteers The who? The Badu Planeteers This is Erika Badu But what about Earthica Badu Fireca Badu And Hartica Badu Oh no You like that one? That was a good one Listen we don't have time for this Let's turn on K-Rob See what's going on What? That's so terrible Welcome to K-Rob K-R-O-B I'd like to dedicate this To all the creative Righteous children I have some food In my bag for you Not the edible food The kind you eat

[51:30]No Maybe some food For thought Since knowledge is infinite It has infinitely Fell upon me So oh yeah It was recording night And I'm zooming With all these guys And I'm showing them Canned oysters They said Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo I tipped the tin The oil went in Fell onto my keyboard And it was broken Oh no Aaron You fucked me tonight I You said that The oil went in

[52:00]To my keyboard keys Now my laptop Is so smelly So now my computer Smells oyster-y Every time I open it It smells fishy Now people at work They stare at me When my keyboard It smells like fish Smells like sardines Aaron really laughed at me Cause he wanted my computer To smell oyster-y Oyster-y Just wants to bring me down Yeah When you wanna hear About the greatest That song was hard as hell to do Yeah Oyster-y

[52:30]Oyster-y But you're just too lazy To look at my life Yeah, oyster-y Like the cracker If you wanna hear Four guys who chat Is it like Some of them Most people Like were like Oh Rob What's that smell But some people Are just like No Actually That's one benefit Of teaching middle school Is nobody was like What's that weird smell Because yes The other week Was our first warm day In New York And the kids It smelled so bad In my room After they left You could taste it You know It just It's like

[53:00]It just tasted Like the air tasted green Do you know what I'm talking about If you teach middle schoolers You definitely know What it means Oh my mouth is open It smelled It smelled canned oyster-y Canned oyster-y Listen This This Let's get into Our voicemail And just when you think Maybe the parody songs Are not going that great Because I don't know the songs And I'm not putting A lot of effort into it I get a voicemail like this Nice The parody songs Are the highlight Of the podcast You should create A Spotify playlist

[53:30]Of just the parody songs We've said that Yeah Also The recent Aaron parody About food transitioning To feet Was brilliant Oh What Rob should win A Nobel Peace Prize For that songwriting Thank you Is this a message? It's a message from Rob To himself Rob I was going to say Tell the truth Okay you can officially Put the dumb shit listener Thing over here Oh The Nobel Peace Prize For your For your writing About Aaron's feet Rob Pull up your sound bar With the emojis Where's the dumb shit listener one? The dumb shit Well no that's in my voicemail

[54:00]Oh I didn't play this Oh no Dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb shit listeners Like listeners Like dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb shit listeners Like listeners Like Food Foot shit Now you guys Listen This is the same person They've texted me Us about the Rod Stewart rumor They talked about Russ's cowboy hat They've sent me Menu pictures This is a true Listener This is a true friend And actually Kind of a You know I'm kind of a Sapiosexual So I'm kind of Attracted to this listener Because they sound Really smart

[54:30]Okay And if you don't know What a sapiosexual is Guess what I don't want you To suck my balls The irony of being A sapiosexual I'm a sapiosexual What's that? The universal Anti-boner noise It is a little Yeah A little bit of a loophole It's funny Because it's like The opposite of the THX noise Like it's like Because the THX Feels up in pitch And the anti-boner It's great It's very clever I mean that is a great Like opening line If someone on their Dating app has

[55:00]I'm a sapiosexual Like how do you not say What's a sapiosexual Right? Oh yeah It's the ultimate test It's the swipe Whatever the wrong way is Yeah Hmm Hmm Do you think Do you think they like Well nevermind I have no good bits About that So listen They love the songs You know what Thanks to this caller Why let that stop you I'll tell you what I had written a song Oh I had written a song About To stir it up last week Where I was going to say Give it up

[55:30]And it was about How we should give up The podcast And it was this really Detailed song About how it's so bad And it legit Bummed me out And it made me like Think like Why am I doing this Am I even having fun And then the last two Voicemails we have gotten Have lifted My spirits Higher and higher Just like at the end Of Ghostbusters 2 Where they famously Have the Statue of Liberty Defeat the Pink Ooze Everybody remembers that Because the song Is Higher and Higher By Jackie Wilson No That was the first one That's the one Everybody thinks of But actually a better I'm going to say right now I think Ghostbusters 2 Is better

[56:00]I can't even finish That sentence I couldn't even say it As a joke As a joke I couldn't say it Hey text it into the back line 802-277-BEC And let us know Are you a sapiosexual What's a sapiosexual Sapiosexual And how smart Like how What's the smartness Cut off Is there like an IQ Cut off For a sapiosexual Like do you have to Be able to do Long division To qualify Under someone's standard For that Is someone's standard Like is it changed

[56:30]Like if Aaron and Rob Are both sapiosexuals Do they have different Levels of intelligence That they would require What is the standard I'll have you know Russell I once I once was in a girl's place And I was in her bedroom And things were getting Pretty Hot and heavy I don't want to Go into details But it was pretty sweet And as we got into her bed Silk sheets Just wonderful Just a lovely time We got into her bed And she hands me The triangle With one golf tee missing Okay And I was like Fuck What You know that game That you had to solve

[57:00]Where like you just had to I spent so many hours Of my life Trying to figure out How to do that triangle thing Kids these days They just look it up On TikTok Maybe a Rubik's I mean a Rubik's cube Would be the ultimate test I still Have you guys ever Solved a Rubik's cube I have no way No No Aaron Aaron from Minneapolis Can do it No way I had it No I cannot So it's pretty easy I mean It's just learning A bunch of steps Oh man Putting down Aaron For learning the Rubik's cube Aaron thanks for listening Now I got to learn Easy what you've accomplished In your life Alright here Let's break this down

[57:30]Real quick Russell Right Sapiosexual Finding intelligence Sexually attractive Or erotic So what is intelligence Right It's not just being smarter Or IQ Intelligence is the ability To acquire And apply Knowledge and skills So I'm thinking This you know You can be street smart Yes You can be book smart You can you know Be Different standards Delaware statutory You know Filing smart Things like You know There's all sorts of things Right So I think I think it's a very Wide scale

[58:00]On what you can find You know On a person's intelligence So I think I mean again Now Matt I noticed you didn't say A way I was smart So I'd like you to now Find a way that I'm smart And just bring that up On the podcast right now If you can Quickly you know Convert kilograms To pounds You know Because maybe you use Them all the time Nice You know things like that If you can kind of Float between those things Pretty quickly How's Aaron smart How's Aaron smart Well If you guys have to ask Then you're not even You know Aaron's smart On so many different levels Like where do we begin

[58:30]Right Musically Middle management wise Managing people Because he manages 40 people How many people Is too many people To manage Rosie More than two More than two I don't know Actually like There's comfort in 13 Because now I like I don't do anything But talk to these people Like I don't Lift your finger To do anything else Nope I do not I approve stuff You have no expectation To produce anything Do you No I do not Do you have to like Make sure their TPS reports Are using the correct forms

[59:00]And things like that Yep Got to make sure They've got access to stuff Do you ever think about If you assembled a football team What position each person would be And then who would be The two backups And you'd be the coach Yeah all the time You'd have a Bear Bryant hat on Yeah all the time I think about it All the time I love thinking about That kind of stuff Do you Are you finding out Things about Now that you're the manager Are you finding out Things about people That you wish you never knew About them Because you're their manager And they come to you With like just weird shit No I'm not getting So much of that What I'm finding Is that like And I'm finding this Coaching T-Ball also Like You are It's

[59:30]It's I'm never Not shocked At how little People actually take in Of what you tell them I just Adults are not They don't give a shit What you're Saying You have to repeat things Five times minimum For adults Alright let's get into Roll and going Let's get into Roll and going No I believe Anyone who says They're a sapiosexual If they have the choice Of picking a ten Who is Dumb as fuck Or a five

[60:00]Who is smart As Albert Einstein Every goddamn One of those Sapiosexuals Is picking the ten The fucking ten That's what I'm saying Yeah Yeah I like to imagine A sepia sexual And their kink Is those photos From like Deadwood And places like that Where they're like Oh my god The whole time The photos When you go To the county fair And you get the pictures Where you're the outlaws Yeah And now somebody's Jerking into that Because they're a Sepia sexual Wanted by me For jacking off to

[60:30]Give me those pictures Of you at the fair Did you guys ever Do that with your family Take a picture Where you guys All look like outlaws No I I put that With the people Who got the guns and roses Mirrors At the county fair For prizes I put those people In the same things And I know That there's people Listening right now Who have done it And I'm not making fun Of you Okay But Send those pictures to me I got I've got a new kink segment I want to talk to you about Let's get into rolling Go away

[61:00]I'm trying But it's so hot It's red hot All right Let's Get into The radio Man I think It's already Falling asleep Here we go No I'm trying to find that I'm going to send you that link K-R-O-B Now a lot of people out there Have dated Old man Rob Because of his looks But there's more to me than that Or is there Oh yeah I was dating this woman But she broke up with me today

[61:32]When the reason was given I didn't know exactly What I should say Said there's something about me She said there's something That she disdains And now I'm thinking But that's the problem I have a little brain She's a sapiens actual Yes She won't go out with you Unless you're smart And now she's blowing

[62:00]Some guy that's reading René Descartes Oh yeah I could have put it Mozart or Uh I'm not a great student But I'm reading every book In my bookcase And now I'm hoping That she'll come over And sit on my face I'm broken up by my artists I know David was done By Michelangelo

[62:30]And now I'm hoping That knowing this fact Will get me fellatio She's a sapiens actual And now I'm hoping She's attracted to guys Like Bill Gates And now I'm hoping Yes I'm at least smart enough So we can mutually masturbate When you want to hear About the greatest albums Of all time But you're just too lazy To look it up online

[63:00]If you're one of the four guys Who tired me to get up I guess the song I do Is Mutually Masturbate I got the perfect podcast For you It's the perfect podcast It's the perfect podcast, guys We had a song Ended with the words Mutually Masturbate Oh, finally My dream has come true Anyway, that was a song Written by a pretty funny guy Obviously And I did say We were going more hardcore Do you guys know That ChatGBT

[63:30]Will not give you The response with Can you tell me Things that are smart And things that are sex acts That rhyme It cannot do that It cannot do that Because I had to be like I'd be like Okay, city in my face What rhymes with that That's also smart And I was like Hmm, bookcase Yeah, yes Very smart stuff Sending a rocket into space That would be a smart thing to do What the fuck That's way better Than a bookcase Dang, man Dang, you got me Let me tell you guys

[64:02]About when I had to sing Everything I Do I Do It For You At a wedding That was Robin Hood's song Yes Yeah That's actually pretty I like it I like it How have you not said Aaron, guess what You're actually going to jail For not telling us this earlier This should have been Podcast episode one Did you have to sing The whole thing Where you got really To that That's the whole thing That high point Yeah Before you tell it You know what's true Look into my eyes You see Do it

[64:31]What you mean To me Alright, so Search your heart Search your soul And when you find me there You'll search Uh-oh, it's falling apart A little bit No more It was on the same Yeah, this was on the same album Don't tell me It's not worth trying for I mean This is hard to see This is

[65:00]Yeah, the six Was it 627? That's a long Who didn't fumble with a bra Listening to this song? You know what I mean? This is an ultimate bra fumbler song No, it's not It's a bra fumbler When this song was out Bras were a huge mystery There's hooks There's loops But it's not Velcro Why don't they just make it Velcro? It'd be so much easier And you're like Wait You're like Wait, I almost got it I almost got it I almost got it We gotta get Can I just do it for you? We gotta get bra fumbler Trending on some sort of Bra fumbler

[65:30]Book face or something You know you're a bra fumbler When you say Can I just go up? Like can you just Like we're taking off a uniform At the end of a game That's good That's good With the bra up What would happen If we just Google bra fumbler? Let's see Oh my god The number one person is Mark Sanchez? Did you mean bra tumbler? No, I meant bra fumbler Wait, bra tumbler Wait a minute Imagine this in a intercom voice Okay This is Thick Duck Requesting a flyby

[66:00]Requesting a flyby What was it? Your beat Beat squat What was the beat? Beat sweep The beat sweep Aaron What would they say To him if he did request a flyby? If Thick Dick wanted a flyby? Let's try this again, Aaron This is our improv school again, right? Oh, okay, sure Yeah, yeah This is Thick Dick Requesting a flyby Requesting a flyby Negative Thick Dick The pattern is full The pattern is full Yes And all of a sudden Who's this visiting the airport? Being wheeled in It's Colonel Rob

[66:31]He's fumbling with a bra Do you think Tom Cruise fumbled with the bra during that sex scene when he licked your face? Oh For sure Yes, there's no way I guarantee there's no way Tom Cruise is a slick bra taker offer I bet he fumbled He fumbled Yeah, I bet he fumbled I mean, did you guys know some bras are like They have like four to five snaps Like it's going crazy over here They shouldn't have played this when you got your first one successfully unhooked, right, Rob?

[67:02]That's right Like you're high-fiving the Iceman and everyone afterwards? It's this one and then the THX noise right away Hey Whoa Hey Your bra was dangerous, unsafe, and flew in the face of all regulations And it was an honor to fumble you That's right, I am dangerous Fumble me anytime Bullshit

[67:30]Oh, that's me in the head And don't worry I'm going to be in the second Top Gun movie But it's actually going to be depressing when you see me, Iceman Oh, no I'm going to bum everybody out Oh, my God They're going to act like it's actually cool, but it's actually a bummer I, Dave, will salute you On this royal coronation day Would you even guess, is this song about old ladies or bras? Which one do you think it is? Ah, let's go with this one What's up, everybody? Welcome to K-Rob K-R-O-B

[68:02]Today, Rob's got the ball He's on the 30, the 40, the 50 The 40, the 50 The 30, that's what he books He looks like he's going in Oh, there's a fumble Oh, yeah Well, I just want to see some boobies And now I take a grasp And bras are brand new to me And I can't undo this class And I do this class

[68:32]Seven, that's a lot Who didn't fumble with a bra listen to this song? You know what I mean? This is the ultimate bra lesson This is a bra fumble song When this song is out of bras, we're in a huge mystery Well, now this is a classic bumble It's stuck on there real good Can you just take it off for me? This bra is so complicated

[69:00]That's quite a rhyme That's quite a rhyme You know you're a bra fumbler when you say Can I just take it off for me? Just go up Like we're taking off a uniform at the end of the game With a bra on What would happen if we just gave a bra fumble? Now I'm giving up Let's put back on your shirt It would be so much simpler Said nobody never

[69:30]If the bras were just reversed Reverse the bras I don't know There's loops There's loops But it's not velcro Why don't they just make it velcro? It'd be so much easier You're like, wait You're like, wait I almost got it I almost got it I almost got it Well, I've talked to the other guy And we all agree Bras are hard We never know

[70:01]How they come off correctly We don't know Oh, no You thought it was embarrassing Singing a song last week About mutual masturbation In front of your kids' bedrooms Wait until you sing a song About taking up bras Two things about your song, bro I got the perfect podcast for you, Jack Isn't there a better word than boobies?

[70:31]Just make it up Every time you say boobies Yeah And it rhymes with quite a bit That was actually the first line in my head And did part of your song Was it that you were so frustrated You just told the other person Guy, gal, whoever Just to put their shirt back on Put your shirt back on Yeah, it's over Has any of us ever That's not the answer Just said, you know Why don't you just put your shirt back on? That's not the answer I just don't think that I don't think that's ever come out of anybody I feel like a lot of kids did to me younger When I was at the pool But I think now maybe Nobody actually cared

[71:00]And I just wanted to have my shirt on One second, the dog guys I thought I had this under control Do you think those Are those boxes Are they briefs? Are they tighty-whities? What was the cut on those? We've had this conversation before Where Rob claimed these were not tighty-whities And we all disagreed with it Well, they're like Boxer briefs that are ultra tight They're like orangey-orangies They're not tighty-whities I was Orangey-orangies Orangey-porngies Orangey-orangies I was listening to last week's episode

[71:31]And it did Don't do that Make me want to listen to that Brian Adams song A bunch though, Aaron The fact that you had sung that As a wedding So I did put that song Onto the soundboard here So let's just listen to that Oh, okay Real quick This doesn't sound like the original Yeah, something's different Something's different No Nothing's different Nope, this is it Weird piano or something Except it's Fair use

[72:00]I've talked to other guys And we agree Bras are tough To take off correctly I know it comes apart But I don't know I can't figure out How this whole bra Things go You can't tell me

[72:30]You weren't bumbling I know it's hard I know that You did some bra fumbling I know it's true I haven't got a clue Bras are hard to undo If you notice The first verse of that song And the last verse Of the Led Zeppelin song Were exactly the same And that's because On my parody song

[73:01]Notes thing I had I just kept singing Until I realized I was accidentally singing The Brian Adams song To the Led Zeppelin song The Led Zeppelin parody song It all worked out A little mix up there Listen But I was in The concert choir My senior year So I did make it To the same level as Aaron In the best choir In the school You did But one of the songs That I always loved Being in a men's chorus Is I Love Sea Shanties And one of them That we did was

[73:30]Eyes the Bye This is by Great Big Sea It's a more pop version of it But check this out Eyes the bye That builds the boat And eyes the bye That sails her And eyes the bye That catches the fish And moves them home It takes it home to life It's kind of rough If you're pointing to Sally Teagle If you're pointing to Sally Teagle Hold your dwelling At Portage Harbor All around the circle Sarah's got a friend Who loves sea shanties Just a random gal Who's a photographer Friend of hers And she's part of Some Facebook group Where these people

[74:00]Get together in a park Somebody starts a sea shanty And Russell It seems like It'd be right up your alley If you like sea shanties But I'll have to let you know Because Sarah will let you know Because they just all get together And somebody Just starts singing And then they all Just start doing The sea shanties together So Would it be really funny If you just had a thing That you wanted to put In every sea shanty So like Aaron Start a sea shanty I'll tell you what I'd do With this group Eyes the bye That builds the boat Eyes the bye That sails her I look out upon the sea

[74:30]I see a mermaid And I want to have sex With the mermaid How do I do that Should I become part fish Or should we just try it out Mermaid sex Mermaid sex Mermaid sex Mermaid sex And like every week I'd just be like Listen we're going to nail This mermaid sex Sea shanty Tell it's a C plus shanty Do you have to take the tail off Or do you just pull it To the cider Oh I can't That's not I think they have a cloaca That's the thing You know sharks Have something called

[75:00]Claspers I don't even know What that is But it sounds awesome Hey Take off those Sea shanties Sea shells Grab me with your Claspers please The fact that you know that And you can just pull it up So darn quick Next up on the list So You would have to do it Like on an inflatable raft Right Like you'd have to have An inflatable raft With a hole cut in it Now that Now wait a minute That wouldn't work at all I mean you'd sink right down To the murky depths Because how are you

[75:30]Going to have sex With a mermaid You've got to be above water They've got to be below No I don't think so I think the mermaid Can be above right Can't you scuba You think she has A scuba mask on Aaron Because she's above And it's full of water You can scuba The mask is full of water And the scuba tank's full of water She's like She's like Oh yeah Give it to my claspers So hard Aaron That's a brilliant idea I was picturing A beach chair In shallow water But You get too much weight

[76:01]On those beach chairs They get really dug Into the sand That's not The best either Yeah I'm picturing now Full beach chairs Between the slats Listen Okay Russell The correct answer is Sex in the water Okay I say sex in the water Russell says drive-in Okay perfect What a perfect end To the podcast Listen Okay Especially when there's Like a mermaid In the backseat It gets really wild

[76:30]Mermaid Hey Hey You want to hop In the backseat In the backseat Okay We can see what those We can see what those Graspers can do Throw that flipper Over the seat there And let's go How can I sit I mean How would a mermaid Even sit Doesn't have a butt Now wait a minute Guys I just thought of something Mermaids don't have a butt That's going to take away A lot of my dirty talk That I do If a mermaid Were going to go on

[77:00]The Flavor Flav show And do something Really nasty How would they do it Just a little Pick it up And just a little Would come out You know Like a little sand Ugh Gross Alright Listen It's that black stuff In the shrimp That Aaron's been eating I'm sorry This is the Honest writing episode This is not good It's the black stuff In the shrimp I would say though Here's my top three cryptids I'd have sex with Okay Number one Mermaids Okay Number two Sasquatch

[77:30]Why not Right I bet he could Scoop some ice cream That guy could Scoop some ice cream Oh my god A female Sasquatch Would be so strong And we'd be outside Okay Oh it'd be great And I would say Then after that Number 300 The Skunk Ape Which is what they call Sasquatches down in Florida I can tell you what What are you talking about A lot of my friends Dated Sasquatches In high school I was stuck with The Skunk Ape Look it up Skunk Ape is what They call it in Florida One of the greatest names That's the part

[78:01]I'm confused on What The Skunk Ape Bro The Skunk Ape Is not what I'm talking about What confused me If you can't handle me I'm a Skunk Ape If you can't handle me I'm a Skunk Ape You don't deserve me On my big foot What are we doing This is at least The top three list of the day What cryptid would you What cryptid would you Want to have sex with Aaron What is a cryptid What is a cryptid Guys cryptids Are imaginary animals What are you saying Spell it out for us Cryptid C-R-Y T-R-I-D

[78:31]Or something Cryptid Cryptid Yeah Cryptid The big Okay I'm going to give you A list of cryptids Can I take like The Cerberus The three headed Like dog No that's not a cryptid That's myth You think Is this a joke to you Russell You think me having sex With a Skunk Ape Is a joke to you Okay the Skunk Ape Came over Forgot something Under my coffee table What is this shit List of cryptids Here we go Okay We've got

[79:00]Champ Champ from Lake Champlain Okay Looks a lot like Loch Ness Monument So this is a cryptid For example Bigfoot is a cryptid Okay Let's look at other cryptids So these are animals That could be real The Dover Demon There's no There's no Skunk Like a Jackalope A Jackalope is a cryptid These are all aliens though You're not You're out of You're out of cryptids I gotta say That's a great idea man

[79:30]An alien Take me to your peener Alright that's a good enough one to get out of this on hard to think we're all the way up to 177 and this is our we've already done the having sex with cryptids episode well rob i mean the cryptid you really ought to check out is this cretin bull in greek mythology the cretin bull was the bull that faster face fell in love with giving birth to another cryptid the minotaur oh my god it's time

[80:00]to say goodbye russell i've heard about you were talking about overtone singing oh sorry when i'm don't ever apologize for that russell ever okay you know what russell you're in choir someday you're gonna be in the best choir okay and then someday you're gonna take that knowledge and go on a podcast and about 50 people are gonna hear what you have to say about your choir it's all gonna be worth it

[80:30]all that time and after this episode it'll probably drop to about 30 people no we got a lot of choir heads you know there's a lot of people who are like fuck yeah i think they're out there the best choir there's a lot of members in that choir the best choir i'll tell you what guys russell he was talking about overtone singing but when i'm on a date at the beach with my mermaid girlfriend you would get underbone scenery underbone scenery i wrote that down

[81:00]google has that information now like whoever's tracking that is like i don't know what this means rob just in case you want a heads up google also tracks greek animals you should check it out this guy this guy googled this guy wrote down underbone scenery and then googled cryptids sexy cryptids sexy cryptids please how to delete internet history sexy cryptids my friend is asking the first mention of our notes of the word dirty

[81:30]london calling oh what was that number 11 250 to 906 i suggested this for a trailer when rob insisted that we have trailers i said rob's big bopper bit was very hilarious it's really dirty though so not sure we should use this as a trailer the first dirty moment of the podcast was rob's original big big bopper what else what else would it have been wow and we won't again because this is a clean podcast okay i'm back i'm

[82:00]informed okay you guys have accepted me i'm back and i i realize the evil of my ways and i'm going to change okay and with that in mind and remembering that i actually recorded this earlier today so maybe this doesn't count let's listen to this song what's up everybody welcome to k-rob k-r-o-b you know some people just love a mystery oh yeah russell's in the basement jacking off the cryptids lock nest monster

[82:30]chupa cabra makes him whack off jacked off google's bigfoot starts pulling his bug russell admits he jacks off to cryptids god knows how a fan makes him want to blast again then he pulls down his pants looking at some mermaids a woman with a body of official mega russell spring he wants to fuck the jersey devil at least it's funky for all when you want to hear about the greatest of all time i know the first 30 episodes i think i know the last

[83:00]i can't get i can't get russell's like smiling he goes play it again you gotta play it again play it again please play it again yeah russell's in the basement jacking off the cryptids

[83:30]rocknest monster gives him a boner chupa cabra makes him whack off jacked off google's bigfoot starts pulling his bug russell admits he jacks off to cryptids god knows how a fan makes him want to blast again then he pulls down his pants looking at some mermaids a woman with a body of official mega russell spring he wants to fuck the jersey devil at least it's funky for all when you want to hear about the greatest here we go

[84:00]look it up guys are talking then they get off track might be well i've got the perfect podcast for you jack okay oh my god can i just tell you guys did it better i know i know how dylan feels because i wrote that song in about 30 seconds wow from song from from thinking of it to recording it

[84:30]i bet it took me five minutes it was like the perfect it was like cisco came down from the mountaintop with the tablets rosie and i had an idea for a song and it would have been not even close nowhere close nowhere near it no that was oh my god again it was to me i couldn't russell russell turning he's like this and then he takes his oh what the fuck and i still don't think a mermaid is a cryptid let's just run it back one more time

[85:01]time is fine that's you know i complained last week i didn't get any compliments this is you guys are literally the nicest people in the world you're my best friends okay you're my you're my family now russell's in the basement jacking off the cryptids lock nest monster gives him a boner makes him whack off jacked off starts pulling his bug russell admits he jacks off to cryptids makes him want to bless again then he pulls down his pants looking at some mermaids a woman

[85:35]with a body of official mega russell spring he wants to fuck the jersey devil at least so here i am sitting at my computer while my kid's like getting ready for bed and i've got one window open says other terms for masturbation and i've got another thing that says like rhymes with skunk ape and i'm like singing this song while she's going to bed i was like and i got done and i turned

[86:04]around i go i think that's the greatest song i've ever done in my entire life i do right away