Leonard Cohen: Songs of Leonard Cohen (1967)

[00:00]Should I do this? Like, sound like Leonard Cohen in 2020? That would be an improvement. Four friends decide. I didn't ask if it was an improvement, man. Keep going. You got to own it, Rob. You lean all the way in. Yeah. You started. I thought you said, does this sound better? Does this sound better than I normally do it? If I do it in a different way? I did not say that. Yeah, it sounds way better. You're right, Rob. In 2020, four friends decided to listen to every one of the greatest 500. In 2020, four friends decided to listen to every one of the greatest 500. This resulted in a text chain that celebrated the music excoriated the owner and led us to make it this podcast. We are far from experts. We promise to do almost no research. This resulted in a text chain that celebrated the music it exerted. All opinions are owed unless you disagree. You know what I'm going to do, man? I'm going to put you on one earbud, and I'm going to put me on the other earbud. So people can just choose who they want to listen to. Okay? Hashtag Rob or hashtag man or hashtag Rob too. I have two. We promise to do almost no research. Please sit back and enjoy.

[01:00]All opinions are owed unless you disagree. You know that's rating better. You know he's going to rate this like coffee. You can just tell. Listen. It did sound a little mocking there. Listen, we're all the way up to album 195. Okay? And from 1967, it's an album full of songs by Leonard Cohen. And it's named The Songs of Leonard Cohen. Great songwriter, but worst album namer. Okay? One of the all-time worst. The poetry worked for the first 99.9% of producing this album. Then he's just like, fuck it. I'm putting no effort into the title, right? Right. I gave everything. It's already there. It's already there. If you look at one of his poem books, I wasn't going to bring this up, but one of his books of poetry is named Flowers for Hitler. So I think he was not on a great run with naming titles. That's not his strength. Okay? Let's do this. Let's turn on the radio. Now, I'm just going to tell you right now, this is not off this album. Okay? This song is very similar to Chelsea Hotel because I know it better than any of these songs.

[02:03]First time ever. All right. So let's, guys, let's just turn on the radio. Okay? You know what? Here's your room key. Let's turn on the radio. I'm going to meet you down in the lobby in like a half hour. Does that sound good? All right. Here we go. What's up, everybody? Welcome to KROB. K-R-O-B. You know, we're checking in and we're going to need somebody to clean our room. Oh, yeah. What? We are staying for a spell at a random. We're at a random hotel. We're on a vacay to the beach. It's my wife and me. Yeah, we're watching TV. Killing the time till we can eat. Then I stand up, I say, I'm taking a shower. I just need a really good wash. Then I go in, grab one of her pink razors, and then I start to take care of my crotch.

[03:07]A tub I don't have to clean is where I shave my peen until I have really smooth balls. Oh, my God. But then later that day, I make a grand display. Check out these two. Yeah, they're so smooth. Yeah, I'm a green. We should be sleeping. And my balls itch so bad anyway. You know, like one rhyme. Now, if you listen to his song, there's not a lot of rhymes. I want to be very clear. But I will say this. Why would I defend my parody song? Who cares? Who the fuck cares? I'm so stupid. I will say. In at least a song, Leonard Cohen got head in an unmade bed.

[04:01]In mine, I shaved my balls and my wife still had to go to sleep. I mean, it's. I'm still more concerned about shaving your peen. That just feels dangerous. What were you supposed to do, Aaron? I'm telling you, there's hairs. I'm losing hair. What? I don't think you should do that. And there's hairs growing up there. It's like a vine going up a tree. I don't know what's going on. Every year, I look down and I stretch way over. I'm like, hold my breath. I suck it. I'm looking down. I'm thrusting forward. And there's just more hairs going up. And I'm like, I know there's not supposed to be hairs that high up. Like, you know what I mean? When it looks like a bottle brush, that's bad. Bottle brush? Aaron, why would you take a drink when I'm describing the hair? I don't know. That was a bad move. That was a totally. Viva Knievel from the grave is saluting you for that move. Yeah. I'm not scared of anything anymore on this podcast. After I jump over these buses, I'm going to take a drink while Rob describes hair growing up the shaft of his peen. Oh, my God. I don't know. Now, Aaron, you're so worried about that.

[05:01]Are you worried about that? Are you not taking care of your balls at all? Because I care about you, Rob. I don't want you to slice your peen when you're trying to. Oh, tell me about it. It feels like it's not worth it. Aaron, I would say that is a bare minimum to a friendship. Okay. I don't want you to slice your peen. I would say I would request that almost. Actually, if people who just aren't friends, I would request that of coworkers, too. I would request they feel that way. Hey, Matt, Mark, this is 12. Days of going without some sort of John Bob and off 12 days. Russell, I will not talk about that. I don't want to talk about that. Okay. But I do because, you know, that guy, he must go by like Jonathan Bob eats now. Right. Because I was thinking like anything he does. He's like, hey, I want to get a membership at Blockbuster. And he's like, John Bob. And they're like, oh, look, this guy was sleeping in the white. I just threw it out in the field. Got to reattach. And then they found it. Yeah. No, we got it in the back. You just got to go through the door. But did you guys ever have that? Like an adult video? We had one in Minnesota.

[06:01]And I swear to God, here in Rochester, it had saloon doors to go to the back room. You had like, like you were walking into like a gunfight. There used to be a Schindler's that would have magazines on it. Not necessarily like a rental store. Schindler's had. We had the Mr. Movies by our house that kind of had the room in the corner. But I don't remember what the door situation was. You just look in. When you look in, there's always a teacher there. Wasn't there? It was always like a music teacher in there. Yes. Boy, I love jacking off, but I am too cheap to buy a video for myself. So I like to go to the rental store. It's like a seventh grade world histories teacher. Always. Yeah. It's like the magazine place won't take these back. So I have to come to this rental store. The toughest part of going to the rental store for that has to be the first time you do it. Right. It's like when Matt goes to yoga, the first time you go has got to be the hardest once you've gone once. But like that first time when you go into that back room. That's got that's got to be a lot of stress and then the stress of going up to the counter for the first time, once you're through the first time, it's probably not that bad.

[07:05]But yeah, damn, that first time's got to be rough, sir. You are sure you want to rent cock knockers where guys were just hitting their cocks on tables. Yes, I didn't just grab the first thing I saw when I went in and panicked. I think Bull Durham got switched to the box or something like, what do you do? Oh, this is nut twisters instead of Bull Durham. Sorry, I'm in the wrong video store. This is a bull with my wife. Wife Durham. I can't believe I got this confused. Rob, what is also the appropriate ratio of regular movies to movie from the secret room that you have to come out? Like you can't come out with like four secret room movies. Like if you if you're maxed out at like six for Blockbuster, what is your ratio from regular movies to to adult film? I think it's got to be at least three to one. OK, you got to buy that extra video just to be like, hey, I like movies. OK, this is about what you think it's about. Enjoy the cinema. I'm probably going to watch these other three first, too, right?

[08:02]I'm going to save this production quality of this one is great. I'm going to I'm going to rent these four movies. And then do you sell one blank VHS tape? I need to make a copy. What? I don't give a shit about copyright then. And I don't give a shit about copyright now. On brand. Well, it's like my dad always said growing up. He's like, well, I don't tape the FBI warning. I was like, damn. All right. Listen, we are talking about the songs of Leonard Cohen. We're talking about every song on the Rolling Stone top 500 list. OK, I've got four guys here who are on autopilot during the podcast. But one of them has a huge dong. Now, why would I write that? Oh, I know what it was. OK, let me back up. This album is named Songs of Leonard Cohen, which is brilliant because it's literally just talk about what it is. That's why I've decided to rename our podcast for guys who are on autopilot. But one of them has a huge dong. I think your listenership is going to skyrocket. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I was frozen there for a minute.

[09:01]No, wait a minute. How do I raise my hand on the Zoom? God damn it. Fuck it. Forget it. Dude, do a joke just for you guys where I'm trying to raise my hand on the Zoom. While Rob's doing this, I was on a team's call the other day and someone on the call did like a thumbs up. And all of a sudden, like a thumbs up emoji popped up on the screen like this is fucked. Like this AI, whatever's going on here has to. This cannot happen. You're you're thrown off by a thumbs up. During a video call. Russell, I was thrown off by the emoji. He didn't. He put his thumb in the air. Yeah. And then an emoji thumbs up popped on automatically. Let me check. Does this work? No. What does this do? Does this give you an eggplant? Does this give you an eggplant and splash the book? All right. No. Okay. I don't know how I'm going to edit that together. So it makes any sense at all. Nobody can see what I'm doing. Anyway, I've got a pretty good guess. Like what other hand motions would you like? Let's have our listeners. Just write in like hashtag. What hand motion you think Rob is doing at any given moment?

[10:01]No. Why? Why are you pinning? Why are you pinning your ring finger down? What are you doing there with no ring? You guys know my all-time favorite hand motion, of course, is this one. Just like Aaron. Aaron and I are both Shaka guys. It's actually hang loose. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What's number two? I am a fan of I do do the thumbs up. Like if somebody lets me in when I'm on my bike, a car, I'll get in. You hit him with the thumbs up. I love doing it. I like it. And you know what? Also, the thumbs down. I'll give him the thumbs down as a joke. I think that's funny. Like when somebody does something I don't like and I like a student and I just look at them and give them a thumbs down. I'm basic. But again, I mean, because here's the problem, right? Again, if I flick somebody off, who's intimidated by this? Look at that. Nobody. Stumpy finger. So stumpy. Look, I got my thumb is longer than my middle finger. How is that possible? Somebody flicked me off the other day because I was I was turning right. But somebody was coming from my right, walking across. I just I just didn't see him. And I, you know, and I stopped and I'm like, hey, sorry, I missed you.

[11:02]And he's flicking me off. And I kind of go around and he's still flicking me off. And he's like, and I'm just laughing at the guy. I'm like, what? Yeah. What? What do you what do you what's what's happening? Like, what do you think is going to happen here? Like, I don't know. It was hilarious. I think getting flicked off is pretty funny. You're at home and there's a collar and a leash attached to the back of your car. You're like, oh, no wonder that guy was so bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Hey, that's my other favorite hand motion. Pre-enhanced. Even Aaron, Aaron euthanized that dog that bit of it. Even he doesn't like that. He doesn't like that joke. That's so good. Rob, what's your number four? What's your number four hand signal? Number four hand signal. I do this one. Bringing it in like an airplane. I'm bringing it in like this. I like that. Oh, nice. What about the revving up? What about the revving up? The revving up the engine is a classic motorcycle timer to get the energy up. I think that's a Vince Carter. That's the Vince Carter. It's so good. And I also do, you know, I'll do the Hulk Hogan mustache. Like a break.

[12:01]Like I do the mustache and then the braking symbol to let those jabronis know that they're in trouble. I'm a big peace guy now. Like, hey, how you doing? Like, hey, how you doing? I like that one. I think that's good. Sounds like a good vibe. That's been, that's new to my repertoire. I'm a two-finger salute. Like, yeah. Nice. Gotcha. Yep. I love it. Aaron, what are we, what are you doing, Aaron? You still doing the shocker? Wait, what? Shocker. I said the shocker. Rewind the tape and look. Listen. And by the way, the fact that you guys know that just shows how sick you are. I'm mostly a shocker guy, but I'm also, I'm like around my mama. I'm a praying hands guy. I like to like show my, show my gratitude. I like that one as well. Yep. Totally subservience, Aaron. Me and you. I don't think it. It's submissive. Russell, did I do you in Minneapolis yet? You haven't done anybody. Oh, Russell. I've got Russell in Minneapolis. Russell, how are you doing? Rob, you don't even want to know how many perfect bodies I've touched with my mind today. Well, you can add one more, Russell. Speaking of that, Rob, I would also say, I told you when I came, I was a stranger.

[13:02]Oh, Russell. I was wondering why you only give emotions with one hand. You're sitting on the other one. I think I've got a circulation problem. I learned about that my sophomore year of college. So I was like 19. Goddamn, that was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. When I was 19, I was like, it like blew my mind. I was like, it sent me on a whole different trajectory. Like, it's a glass door situation, which if I wouldn't have heard it, I wouldn't have heard it. I wouldn't have heard about the stranger from that football player. I think my life would have been totally different. I'd probably be president. I got Matt in Minneapolis. Matt, how are you doing? Good, Rob. I just want to let you know that in the city and in the forest, they smiled like me and you. Wow. That makes me think we're going to be smiling all night, Matt, because you don't got shit to do tomorrow. We could stay up and party all night long. And I've got Aaron out in California. Now, Aaron, Aaron went to a restaurant recently. He was telling me this story, guys. Aaron's always talking before the podcast starts. He tells me this story. And Aaron went to a restaurant. He said, listen, I need some onion rings and a. Bottle of wine. And the waiter said, oh, do you want red or white?

[14:00]He goes, you can use any onion you want. I don't care. Wait, has anyone ever had red onion rings? I don't think nobody does that. That would be a bummer, wouldn't it? If you got kind of weird and it was the red ones like too thin. Kind of harsh, right? Aaron, what do you what do you do with onion rings? What are you doing? Do you like the low batter? Are you like a batter boy? Do you like the big batters? No, I like the kind of I don't like the big. I mean, to me, the best onion rings are from the tavern in West Des Moines. They do the like the very thin slices with the like really craggy, you know, like like double dipped batter. And I like that's what I like. It's almost like a calamari type texture. That's what I'm about. And Aaron, you like no salt, don't you? Or do you like lots of salt? I like salt. Yeah, that was a trick. Everybody likes lots of salt. That is the key. Who doesn't want salt on their onion rings? I was really happy to be here with some guys who were handsome and know all the words to the songs. Oh, my God. That's us. A hundred percent. Folks, let's not mess around anymore. Let's get right into the voicemail. Now, I will say tonight.

[15:06]OK, after tonight, we actually do need voicemails. Call in. I made a terrible mistake. I didn't add the numbers right. But. Do the math. Do the math. Do the math. Do the math. I don't think. Is that story going to be on the episode we were recording when we told that story? That'd be right. Russ's mom. Listen. Rob, do the math. Do the math. OK. One plus 68. It's a joke for four. Or maybe six people. I finally broke down and told my wife the other day. I was like, listen. Because my wife has now been gaining weight on purpose for powerlifting. Whatever you're doing here. And I was like, listen. You need to stop. I was like, you have to stop. I was like, that booty's so fat. We got a 69 at some point. I just had a discussion with her. Like, I was talking about a news paper article. I was like, I am a bicycle seat. Let's go. Did it work? No.

[16:00]OK. I'm just. I mean, that's the obvious question. Aaron, that's disrespectful to my wife. Aaron, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. That's right. Yeah. But it's humiliating. The shots. When the shots are you asking somebody to 69 and they say, no, it's more humiliating than missing a normal free throw. I'll tell you that right now. It's like throwing the ball to Mark Madsen for 12 threes in the final game of the season. Right. So embarrassing. I don't know. What you guys are talking about. Listen, we have a theme for tonight's two voicemail. So listen up and see if you can catch what they are. This episode and the next one. Hey, this is one of the handful of complimentary moviegoer people that are affiliated with Russ. I got a couple of things to say here. One, great opening to the last episode, which I don't know. Whatever the play in a couple of weeks. I don't know what episode he's talking about. I have. I have no idea. So I'm just going to think it's all of them.

[17:00]He's enjoyed all the openings. He thinks they're great. Okay. No idea what he's talking about. I can't think back on which episode this was, but I will say what I'm about to say is going to both really, really make Rob happy because it's a huge compliment and also going to make him really sad. But the number of times that I have skipped ahead of the podcast and the number of times that I've jerked off to Rob is the same number. And I'll let you guys try to figure out what that is. So. First of all, I'm sorry. Well, thank you. Okay. I'm going to let that guy go through. You don't want him to pay for a movie ticket. Just let it go through. Oh, sick. It's twisted. Listen, the fact that he's only skipped ahead of the podcast five times. I think that's because we've had some slow episodes. Okay. I don't, I, I, I don't, I think that's great that he never did that. Second, another example of Rob ignoring Aaron and leaving a huge softball. Uh, right down the middle to hit for a home run is him plowing over talking about

[18:02]Greek, uh, making a beat comment to Rick Smith. So, uh, well played Rob. You guys are doing a great job. Keep it up. Uh, you only got like 300 and something to go. Oh, wow. This is not rough. All right. So that wasn't, we've established that it's not rough. So Aaron, he was upset because you mentioned Rick Smith's feet and I didn't get any mileage out of that. Yeah. Like if, if Rick Smith's comes up, his feet are the first. It's like him, Arvita Sabonis, arguably Kevin Durant. Like these are the guys whose feet cut their careers far too short. What, what was wrong with Rick Smith's feet? He's too big, man. He hurt his feet. Like it hurt his, it hurt his mobility for the rest of his career. Have you ever seen a picture of LeBron James's feet, by the way? I just want to bring this up. I don't know like where this is going. LeBron James feet. Now I used to teach when I taught about the scientific method, I had a whole podcast, a whole slideshow of just ugly feet that I would show the kids because it was like scientific method and the hypothesis was. My shoes are too small. And then I had 15 slides in a row of the ugliest feet you've ever seen in your life.

[19:01]I stopped doing it because it was weird. Okay. Cause it would be like day two of class and this teacher is showing like. How many years did it take you? How many years did it take you before? I bet I did that. I bet I did that for 12 years. I bet I did that for 12 years. Easy. And every year I would like add one picture and then it just got too much. I was like, well. Now it's weird. After 12 years. Now it's weird. Yeah. If a parent came in and said, can you show this slideshow? I'd be like, no, I can't actually, I can't do that. Okay. And you know what parents of teachers, students hate, you know, what parents of students hate more than anything. When you tell the kids, Hey, don't tell your parents about this. All right. So let's just do this. LeBron James speed. Oh no. I tell the kids, I'm like, don't tell your parents about this and don't tell them. I said, don't tell them about this. They hate that. Look at LeBron James feet right here. Do you see this? Boys he's got, here it is. Here's a good closeup. He's got LeBron has some nasty ass feet. Now just imagine this is LeBron. Okay. He's in great shape. One, probably one of the. One of the greatest shape athletes of all time. Definitely not on steroids. That's not why he lost his hair and his head got bigger.

[20:00]Think about Rick Smith's feet. Those bad boys. I bet we're so fucked up. I mean, look at this little toe. It's trying to escape over the ring toe in the NBA. Oh, well, you know, they can legally take some when they're recovering. That's why their shoulders are also big, but because you have more receptors, your delts. I love it. Yeah. Let's do this. Let's do a steroid podcast. But look at this toe, Aaron. Let's get back to the toe. Okay. Let's not talk about steroids anymore. Do you guys want to say that? We can't. We can't. His little toe. You can't see. Okay. I'll zoom in. I'm going to zoom in and make it a little bigger than if you can't see. His little toe is creeping over his ring toe and his second toe is all the way over his big toe. I can't even do that with my hand. Put my little toe over my big toe. And his butt crack also goes halfway up his butt. No, this is like another. This is another one of these things. You guys think people are out doctoring photos of LeBron's feet? God, I forgot the John Lennon butt crack photo. Oh my God. Rob. Rob. I can't do the pictures anymore, but I will give you guys a feet fetish story if you want

[21:00]one real quick. No, we got to get into the talk about the album. Let's talk about the album. Just kidding. Okay. Yes. Of course, Russell. Tell me about your feet fetish story. Yesterday, I met one of my upstairs roommate's friends from growing up, one of her longtime really good friends. And I came back from home and they were hanging out, having a glass of wine. I met her for the first time. And the first thing that the upstairs roommate says, like, I wasn't even there for like 10 minutes or probably 10 minutes. And she goes, I told you. I told her about your foot fetish. And I was like, what the fuck? Yes. And I'm like, like, she listens to this podcast enough where like, she just makes like foot fetish jokes, not realizing nobody else listens to this. Like, they just think it's crazy and psycho. It's not a normal thing. She's making these jokes. And I'm like, what am I supposed to do? Like, oh, I'm on a podcast where we make a lot of foot fetish jokes. What am I supposed to do? That's even more embarrassing. I'd be like. That's, she puts you in a real bind. You know what the number one thing a guy with a foot fetish says? What's that? I don't have a foot fetish. You can ask Aaron. That's the worst defense you could have. What do you do?

[22:02]So, Russell, what did you say? Did you just say like, yeah, I have a foot fetish or like. I just kind of smiled, shook my head. I don't even know what to say. What do you do? You just say, yeah, ladies, put them up on the table. Let's see those feet. Let's see those toes. I'm going to suck them like Skittles. Oh, my God. The upstairs roommate made a comment about sucking toes while we're sitting there. Like, I've met this person for 10 minutes and they were sucking toes. And I was never. Russell, you guys, between the three of you, okay, you've never sucked a toe. Just one or maybe two. Pop those bad boys. Where's that picture of LeBron? I'm going to put it back up again. Pop them in your mouth. No. Never? Jesus. Do you guys even love your wives? I mean, what is going on? Like the eyeballs on a SpongeBob thing. Sometimes you just got to put them in there, roll them around. It's like, have you ever freeze grapes? What? It's the same thing. You guys ever put your toes in your wife's mouth when she's sleeping? No, I don't do that either. All right.

[23:01]Just a little taste. She wakes up. She's like, why is it spelled like Cheetos? Hey, wait, guys, we can't end on that. We cannot. I'm going to edit all that out. So, Russell, what do you talk about after? So, this is within like the first five minutes of these friends being over that you have admitted to your foot fetish? The second thing we talked about was the day before. This is the first time my upstairs roommates. These friends that she's known for a long time have seen our new place. Oh. Oh. And so, they come over. And the day before, I sit down and the upstairs roommate is like, you notice anything different? I'm looking around. I don't notice shit because it's just so, I don't see things like that. What? But we have two, like, they appear to be statues of naked women doing yoga in our house. They're just sitting like in our living room, like in like a window to the kitchen. I'm like, what? So, we've got these. And I come back the next day, we have two more. There was at least two separate and distinct orders of naked women's statues doing yoga.

[24:06]Now, there's four of them in our living room. How big are these statues? I don't know. Like, woman-sized? Twelve inches tall, a foot high. Here we go. Okay. You know what I would think if I went over to a couple's house and they had four naked women's statues in the living room? What's that? I'll give you a hint. Give me a push because we're on the swing. It's swinging. It's swingers time. Okay? We are here. Now, listen. I don't know with swingers. Like, I don't know if you're wife-swapping right away or if you just kind of do a side-by-side to warm up first. The next time, you maybe talk about it. But that's exactly what I would think about. Okay? If they were doing that and then serving, like, food with toothpicks, I'd be like, yep, I know exactly what's going on. Don't want to get my fingers. Serving frozen grapes. It's like, oh, come over to the frozen grape. I have to keep that in now. You know I have to keep that in now. Yeah. Frozen grapes and Cheetos. It's what's on there. Sucking on a Cheeto. Well, if we're going to get to my cocktail right off the bat, I better as well tell you what I'm drinking, I guess, right?

[25:00]Right. Might as well. Is it a wine slushy? Can I tell you guys one other thing that showed up in our house that gave me a weird feeling? Russell, you can talk about this because this sounded like it was quite the party. I want to hear what's going on. The other thing that showed up is now we have, like, an entertainment center, if you will, like a thing that holds the TV. There wasn't really anything under it, like in the shelves underneath it. All of a sudden, we had, like, a big wooden thing that just says home, and it got a little too real for me. Oh, that was it? When she put up a sign that said home? She does live there. You were like, fuck it. I'm out of here. You're putting all your stuff. What did you want her to call it? You're putting all four CDs in a garbage bag and you're heading out. You've got your CDs, your Hulk Hogan magazine, your nice shoes, and you're out of there. He's like, I ordered that one thing that said smash pad. Like, I thought that was going to be. What is the statute of limitations on getting rid of that? That home sale I did, like, eight months ago. Just throw it away, Russell. See if they notice. Can I ask a real question?

[26:03]And I'm trying to make sure that we got cut points in case we cut this out. If you've never been on somebody's Instagram page, are you guys, like, are you really even dating? Russell, why aren't you in more Instagram pictures? Let's get down to the nitty gritty of it. Not even more. One. One picture. Why are we not in one picture? I'm not a social media guy. I don't want to be on social media. I don't have those accounts. Yeah, why don't you get. In her pictures, Russell, we could see you in the pictures. It's what we want to see. We want to see Russell having a good time. We know. We know Russell's having a good time. Come on. Like, you like any moment you wake up, you go, like, what do you think Russell's doing right now? Probably having a good time. Like, it's not a question. You know, he's having. We look on our Instagram. It's just a close up of the home statue. It's like, oh, no, this is terrible. Russell, you don't have. What if what if she put up a live, laugh, love? We getting freaked out by that, too. I literally have no idea what that is. God, what is going on? I got to say, Russell, it fucking blew my mind when you didn't know what a minion was like that. I thought about that. I've been thinking about that for weeks that you didn't know what a minion was.

[27:01]I cannot wrap my brain around that. You've been telling us for weeks about this shit you've heard of that we've never heard of. So I don't think we can get on be about. No, you're talking about so excuse me, talking about winning and live, laugh, love are not the same. They are not the same. No, they're not. They're not. Because love is a thing and gooning is not sticking your feet in your wife's mouth while she's sleeping and talking about that stuff. Right. Listen, guys, let's get into a roll in. Roll in, go in. How's it going? Russell, so you so how did that? How did the having the friends over? You know what? Now, why did they get to come over? What the fuck? When's the party for us in the summer? I have more respect for them than I do you, Rob. Well, yeah, I know that. But when's the party? I don't care. You disrespect me all you want. We went out. We went out with a group of like seven. We went out to a cool little restaurant in Minneapolis. It was a good time. Then we went to a basement bar. We have a speakeasy. It's called Billy After Dark. There's Billy Sushi was like the good sushi spot in Minneapolis. We have a downstairs bar, which was really good, really good drinks and everything.

[28:02]And then we came back. There was probably six of us sitting here at our house. I bartended for people for about an hour and a half. I made espresso martinis. I made drinks from the booze and vinyl books. I was breaking out my books. I made an aviation from Prince. I made a blue Hawaiian from Elvis Blue Christmas. I was dropping espresso martinis. I had it rolling. So I was just bartending for people. Like, what a better way to show you're a team player, right? What a great host, Russell. You're a great host. So was the espresso martini the favorite? So one of the buddies in this friend group came over and he is very high on his bartending skills. I believe him. I think he's probably very good at that type of thing. But we've been going back about who makes the better one. And he actually, he still thinks his was better, but he gave me a lot of credit. So when you have someone who's very. High on what they do and they give you some sort of love for what you do, I think you got to take it.

[29:00]So I took that as a high compliment. That's a real recognized real kind of situation. I like it. Can you imagine a party where everybody's just downing espresso martinis? It's like four in the morning. Everybody's like, yeah, yeah, wait, so drunk, but I can't go to the bathroom too. I got to use the bathroom really bad. Did I ever tell you guys about the party I was at in Vermont? We were, we had our two kids. We brought them to this party of a friend. A friend of ours who was like a, they owned a, I can't tell you what they own. Cause you'd be able to figure out who it is, but they own kind of a big business in Burlington. It was not LeBron. And we went there after we went skiing and they were having a party. Was it Ben or Jerry? And it was one of these times where we had the one kid and she was like two. We put her downstairs in like a bassinet and the other kid kind of sat next to me on the couch. And instantly I realized this was a terrible idea. When the guy on the other side of me started rolling the biggest joint I've ever seen in my entire life. And I was like, oh, I see. This is this kind of party with these kinds of people. Good for that guy. Yeah. It's like, fuck it. Kids here. I don't care. You're not ruining my night. I think it was a message of like, I actually don't want you and your kid here. Like you should go.

[30:00]So we, we had a good time or whatever. We left, we went home and you know what I found out a couple of days later, it turned into an orgy. The party turned into an orgy after we left. And I was like, wow, I brought my kids to an orgy. That is a bummer. That is all time bad parenting. Okay. When you say what's your worst parenting moment and you say, well, I took my kids to a party that turned into an orgy. That's bad. Okay. Do you guys ever go to a party that almost turned into an orgy? I haven't, but I was going to say, I think Rob would have like the ultimate panic. I don't know that Aaron, Matt or myself could handle it either, but I know you couldn't Rob. I think you would panic. You would do something weird. You would immediately like be like outside doing something like, oh, you know, like trying to get attention outside of the orgy. Like that was going, I think it would be too much for you. This was, it turned out that everybody in the party was also. So on mushrooms at the time that we were there, we didn't realize that, but yeah, this, I could see it. Cause I think if you're going to an orgy and I know guys, listen, we've joked about this

[31:00]in the past. Okay. But let's get serious about an orgy for a second. If we were going to, if you were going to go to an orgy, you'd want to know you're going to an orgy, right? I think a surprise orgy would be one of the all time worst moments. Cause you're like, you want some prep. Yeah. And, and I didn't shower after I skied. You know what I mean? Like, just, just imagine you're taking off a pair of jeans after skiing all day at an orgy. You're wearing. Okay. So here's me totally naked, except I have those big wool socks on. I mean, what's that? Not wearing the big wool ski socks. You're not wearing the big wool ski socks to an, you're not wearing the big wool ski socks to an orgy. That doesn't get a laugh out of you guys. Me wearing big wool socks at an orgy. What is he? What is life anymore? You're thinking about it. Yeah. So, I mean, it's very practical if you're skiing. So you guys never went to a party that you later found out was an orgy? No. Never, never done that. Nope. No. So you stayed. Interesting. Aaron, rolling going. How's it going with you? Oh, geez. Well, you know. Oh, geez. Oh, geez.

[32:00]Well, we had an orgy and all these things out in Oakland. Geez. Oh, don't you know? Russell mentioned earlier the dog that I did not have euthanized. And that dog's name is Coco. And Coco's. Beware. Was, was. Coco's owner was at our house last night. We had a birthday celebration for our neighbor. Aaron, I got to just say this. You're kind of a cock, Aaron. Having that person over after the dog bit you in front of your kid. So Susan, Susan came over here. But the deal was Nadine is one of our neighbors and she was turning 79 and they invited us over for dessert for Nadine's birthday. But we actually have more room in our yard. So we were like, no, no, we can host over here. Yeah. And, and Jan, who's Nadine's roommate or I don't know, they live together, whatever. Yeah. Jan was like, yeah, yeah, we're going to have. It's going to be Nadine, uh, me, Carol, Wendy, Susan, and Susan is Coco's owner. So she said, Ooh, it's going to be all of us.

[33:01]And then she wrote in a message that just said no Coco, which like was so similar to like pause or whatever. It's like so funny, you know, to be like, I'm coming over no Coco or like no cap. Like it just seemed to me like this woman's like 82 years old. It cracked me up so much to just send a message and be like, no Coco. Was this a no Coco question mark? Like, was she asking or was she saying? She was letting us know. No, no, no. She's very loud. She's on top of it. Like, she's very much like, I'm going to let those guys know Coco's not coming. It's going to be fine. Aaron doesn't have to like cower in the corner, you know, cause Coco's going to bite his leg off. We start saying that to each other when we're like ready to move on. We just say no Coco. You know what I mean? When we're done with it. How about this tonight, guys? When we think the conversation is done and we're ready to move to a new bit, we're going to say no Coco. Oh, I like it. Okay. It's a good catchphrase. This is what we're doing when we're talking about dead dogs. No Coco. Not dead dogs. Just one. Oh, sorry. I wasn't listening. I was doing some research. Sorry. I apologize. Do some research. How to host an orgy.

[34:01]Step one. How to host an orgy. Russell's typing it. How to host an orgy. That's big.com. Step one. Buy four naked yoga statues. Not three. Not five. Four is the right number. But then the other thing. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead, Rob. You want to talk? No Coco. I kind of wanted to talk about those naked yoga statues more, but I'm going to pass. Go ahead, Aaron. Aaron, they invited, they wanted you to be part of like their birthday celebration. Would you ever invite them to be part of your birthday celebration? Wow. Great question, Russell. If we were going to, I mean, yes, if we were doing something here at home for me or for Anna, we would invite them over. We'd be like, yeah, we're having cake because like they're super nice. Like we've got it. Like there's a bunch of older people who were going to live in our neighborhood who are like very kind and it's a good community. So I think if we were doing something at home, yes, we would. But I mean, the issue. Aaron. Thank you so much for having me over. Oh boy. What are these new statues? The problem is that like when you have a seven year old. Is this a, is this a fuck fest? I haven't felt this way since 1973 when I was at an orgy.

[35:05]I mean, these women are from Berkeley. Like who knows like what their lives were like before, but yeah, it's like there were like six women over the age of 70. Is that a fondue pot? Anna and me and then my seven year old son. Or a French train over there. It's a very odd combination of people. I'm going to show you how to do a French drain. I learned this at Berkeley in 1963. You guys are going to regret this when you listen back. No, I'm not. Cause I'm picturing what a French drain is. It involves, you sit on the couch under two cushions, but you move one cushion and you act like the third cushion. And when they sit on you, you go, Ooh, la la. Oh God. What? Or it could be French drain where you just kiss somebody in the rain. French drain. And then the other thing I wanted to mention, no cocoa, no cocoa, no cocoa. I wanted to mention that I saw it was, it was my, it was the annual, I think I talk

[36:02]about this once a year. It was the annual concert for my wife's work and over at Oracle parks. That was our, that was our main event for today. And I saw John Batiste. Oh, that was awesome. He was playing his little, um, I don't know what you call the thing with like, it's like a harmonica slash keyboard. I should know what the instrument is. He was wearing like this immaculate purple suit. Jaw harp. Was it a jaw harp? It has keys though. Isn't it a melodium, Russell? Didn't we do one where you'd like to play into it? Yes. Yep. Yeah. He was playing this melodium. Melodica maybe? Yes. And then I saw, and then after that was Charlie Puth. Oh, where does your wife work? This place sucks. I didn't know him. And then the third act was Imagine Dragons. And listen guys, you guys. Now, Aaron. Did you turn to your wife and say, Imagine Dragons, these balls on your face? Gosh, I wish I could see that one. I wish I had done that.

[37:01]This is actually not the first time we've seen Imagine Dragons. We saw them like 10 years ago. And now this year they were the headliner, but previously they were the opener. And this is one of those bands that like I would make fun of. And then like, I look on the internet and people like they compare them to Nickelback and like totally all of that, like is true, whatever. Like, I'm not going to like start listening to Imagine Dragons at home, but it just gives you. They put on a show, man. They went out, they played hard. They cared about the music. They cared about the people. They did their thing. Like both teams played hard. Both teams played hard. I, I had, I had nothing but fun. I've got nothing but good things to say. They've got bangers. Radioactive is a banger. Like they've got, imagine Dragon has bangers. You know what? I'm kind of sick of making fun of these bands. Like Creed now, everybody's making fun of Creed. I'm like. Right. Did we all sing along with their songs? Yes, we did. You like it. Even Nickelback. Look at this photograph. It's not a bad song. I know. Yeah. If you can do something well enough to be popular enough with like the largest portion of pop music fans, everyone can hate on you, but you've done something right.

[38:02]Yeah. And they came out and they earnestly did their tunes and they played for well over an hour and just played nonstop and gave it everything. So like, I mean, I got to give them props, man. It was fun. In a parallel world. Okay. In the world where I'm president, they're making fun of like Kid Rock for Ba-Wa-Da-Ba. Like it's so close to being that same thing. Yet. It fucking Ba-Wa-Da-Ba fucking rocks. Every time I turn that on. Yeah. Okay. It fucking rocks. I think it rules. Yeah. And my son was stoked. Like Wallace was so stoked. Like he knows those songs. Yeah. He knows Bones. He knows. Awesome. Enemy. You know, like, so there was, it was really fun. So I, you know, they, they don't need my approval, but. Aaron, let me ask you this. Okay. What do you think? Did you, what did you think of Imagine Dragons philosophies? Feel how soft these nuts are when I Imagine Dragon them across your face. There was a Mahatma Gandhi one too, but I can't remember what that one was. Nobody turned to you and said, Imagine Dragon these nuts across your face.

[39:01]That's crazy to me at a concert like that. That's weird, right? You would think that like all these people who work together would be talking about nut dragon on the faces. Like it would really come up frequently. Anyway, that's me. No cocoa. What's, how's it all going with Russell? Things are going really well. I was going to enter in another. Another saga of Russ is the greatest uncle today. I had an uncle day. I wanted to share you guys, share with you guys, see what you think about my effort with my niece and nephew today. I had him for about an eight hour period. I wanted to tell you what I did. Get your feedback on how you think I did. Russell, I can't wait. Was the wheel, did you involve the wheel of Russ with one of the things is rub my feet. There was no wheel. There was, I was dealing with an orgy last night, Rob, with the statues. I didn't have time to make the wheel. They come over and they're like. Why are there all these extra Trojan easy reservoir chip wrappers around? I'm like sitting in the chair by the record player, holding all of the yoga statues. It got a little weird, but why are there all these C batteries under the couch?

[40:02]So first thing we do, I've got, this is, this would be about a nine-year-old nephew, five, probably eight and eight and five, eight, nine and six, somewhere in this range, right? My one nephew's getting really into sports, really into cards. He's, he's gotten to the point where during the trip, we started talking, he started talking about Vince Carter and how he did the East Bay Funk dunk. Oh my God. I go, you know who did it first? He goes, J.R. Ryder, the easy Ryder. This is like an eight-year-old nephew referencing J.R. Ryder. This is legit, right? And the East Bay, I have to say the East Bay is where I live. Like, I didn't know that. I didn't know the East Bay Funk came from Oakland and Alameda. That's J.R. Ryder, man. When he did it first, but now that's where I live. I live in the East Bay. Russell's nephew looks up and he's like, Russell, look at, Uncle Russell, look at, I downloaded Winamp to my phone. Russell's like, yes. He's just nodding. Yes. So, the first thing we did, we went to a card store. We went to like a, like a, like a Schindler's. Matt was talking about Schindler's earlier. We went to a card store in Bloomington, Matt.

[41:01]I think it's off about Lindale and probably 90th or somewhere in a strip mall. I don't know if you know where that's at. Oh my God. Lindale's in between Nicklett and Portland, Penn. Oh my God. I, this guy's. It's probably Lindale, Penn. That's like an industrial area, 90th and Penn. So, Lindale, you got to go to Lindale. You got to go to the east side of 35. That's where all the restaurants are and everything. So, it's probably on Lindale. Yes. Did it. You used to be able to get off. You used to be able to get off. Yeah. It's on the west side. If you're driving south, it's on the west side in that strip mall. But we go in, it's a huge card store. They've got, you can flip through the cards. You can buy packs. Matt, you've said this before. You've done this with your son, I believe, with Pokemon cards. Like, you just go and let him open them at like the table. You just chill or whatever. Yep. Yep. And so, I'm super excited. It's an hour of fun right there. I'm getting back into like cards. The guys see you walk in and wrestle. They're like, buddy, we told you. We don't have any more Ben Roethlisberger cards. Okay? We've all read the court documents.

[42:01]I gave him the two-figure salute and turned around and walked right out. But so, we go in. But I immediately realize my niece isn't into cards. So, what do I do? How do I get around like letting my nephew just go look at cards for like an hour, pick out whatever. That type of thing. Leave her in the car. Windows up. Oh, God damn. That was so good. That was so good, man. No, Coco? Oh, no. Yes, Coco. I need more of that. That was so good, man. There's got to be candy or something, right? There was some candy in there, Aaron, but here's what we did. We went around and we found, for her, Pokemon. She's not really into Pokemon, but she knows what it is. So, we ordered. We picked up some Pokemon cards right at the very beginning. I pay for those. So, her and I can go sit at one of the tables, open all the Pokemon cards together. Got to catch them all. And go through which one she likes, which one she thinks looks cool, while my nephew is just literally over there thumbing through card after card for like 45 minutes.

[43:03]Great move or what? Yeah, nailed it. Russell, you are putting out little stages. Uncle of the year, for sure. No doubt. I can tell you the hardest thing in the world is keeping multiple kids happy at the same time. It's almost fucking impossible. It's like you make stages. You make a steak and they're like, I didn't want steak. And then one kid is just shoveling fistfuls of steak, right? Yeah, totally. Catch them all. Somebody said this, Russell. Yeah, I'll just say this quick. Somebody said this at work the other day. They said that one of my favorite things to do in the world is hang out with my kids. The second favorite thing to do in the world is when I'm not hanging out with my kids. And it's so true. Because you probably went through this for eight hours. It's awesome for eight hours, right? But it's great to just shove them on. Okay. Now, I got to think about. I don't want you guys to judge this right away, okay? Because I'm workshopping this, okay? And I assume, just like when I was inside the bank, this is a safe space. Safe space. We got it.

[44:00]I think having two kids is a lot like having a threesome. Because you can't keep everybody happy. Okay, never mind. It's not working. Bailing on that bit. I don't think you want kids and threesome in the same place. Okay, I mean, I need everything else. You sick bug. Jesus Christ. No cocoa. Russell, get back to that heartwarming story about your niece and nephew. So my nephew picks out some cards. I let him pick a bunch out. I buy him some cards, let him buy a few packs. You know, we have a great time at the card store. Everyone's super happy. Guys, I had a moment where I almost started getting into cards. I legit almost bought like a PSA 10 grade Anthony Edwards rookie card. I was like, I almost paid like $100 for a card just to be like, I'm back. Just to be like back in. It's like I have the hobbies. I loved growing up. But guess what? I got a fucking job. I got fucking money. I can do whatever I want. I can get that card. I can afford that card right now. Yeah, you can pay out of your box. What's that? My bank account's empty from so many naked yoga statues? God dang it. Russell, are you, so are you an individual card type guy?

[45:00]And were you an individual card or were you a pack? Because I'm guessing, I'm guessing when you walked in, the guy was kind of gently telling you, go over here. Here's where we have the 1988 Topps baseball cards, you know, that aren't open and things like that. Like that would be my game these days. If I got into cards. It all again would be opening. You know what was crazy, Matt? Like I would think now it would be more fun to open them and kind of go through them as opposed to just buying singles like that. But my nephew, it shocked me. My nephew wanted to buy the singles. He said like, I don't have enough Giannis's. I need to get Giannis. I don't have enough Steph's. I need to get Steph's. I don't have enough Lucas. I need, he was hell bent on getting Alonzo ball card. I'm like, the dude is fucking hurt. He can't walk up and down stairs. But my nephew wanted Alonzo ball. Like he was adamant when we walked in there. I need, I'm coming here. I need to get Alonzo ball card. That's hilarious. So Russell, he's like a little investor, right? Because here's my question, Russell. Do you think these kids nowadays, do you think this is going to be the first generation that never experiences parents throwing all their fucking cards away?

[46:00]You know what I mean? Because we are the parents who know you can't throw that away. Like I would never throw away collectible stuff my kids have. Like nobody's going to do that anymore, right? I think it has to happen at some point. No, if my kid had baseball cards, I'd never throw them. You live in like a 1,200 square foot apartment. How are you going to? But how many horror stories do you hear of like, oh yeah, I had this Honus Wagner, okay? And my mom threw it away. Like I don't think that would happen anymore. How many Honus Wagners are there now? My nephew told me today. He said there's two. I brought up the Honus Wagner card. He immediately said there's two. The reason it's so valuable is because there's only two of them. I'm like, this kid has become, he's a bigger nerd. He's in it. Yes. Russell, I don't want to generalize, but would you say that the trading card place is a good or bad place to meet women? I got to be honest. There were zero women in there when I was in there today. Zero. There was a guy in there who was like, I think talking to them, he had pulled some card and had gotten an offer of $22,000 for it.

[47:01]Like there are legit collectors in there, like doing deals, selling cards back. Wow. People are opening packs and then going up and selling certain cards out of like the pack. It was kind of wild. That's wild. It's a completely different game. I got a buddy who does a lot of eBay buying and then selling. And, you know, crazy, like $400, $500, $1,000 prices. And, you know, it's nice. I have you guys. But it's all singles. They had one thing where it was like, it was a bunch of, I think it was Opeche, like 1979 Opeches, where hockey cards. And they had, that's the Gretzky rookie. And, you know, somebody found 17 unopened boxes or whatever. And they were just going through it, just looking. And when the guy got the Gretzky, he's shaking. He's like, oh my God. You know, he tries to put like gloves on. And stuff like, oh, you know, because it's, it's, it's mint or whatever. So it's fun. It's fun to watch those ones. I bet you when that guy had sex with his pillow later that night, it was the best that it ever was.

[48:00]You know what I mean? Like, like I bet that when he just gave it a little extra, he gave it just a little extra that night. Because he got a goal and an assist in that game. Yeah. Do you think more people have masturbated to the Wayne Gretzky Opeche card or this podcast, Rob? I assume this podcast, my melodious voice. Can you imagine? He's probably like, oh my God, I'm going to buy the best sex doll with this money. I know that complimentary movie guy. And I guarantee he would rather do it to a baseball card than this podcast. I know it. Okay. I almost look, I almost went to the sex doll website to look up prices to see if the hell, if I collected them, if I would make any money. The interesting, the price one that was the most interesting is my nephew also went in there and that he had picked out a bunch of them. And I was like, cool. I also did the, the right adult thing of you got to put a few back. You got to pick a few that got to go back, but I was very generous. I got him a bunch of them, but you can't just get everything you want. You got some, we got to go back. Right. Wow.

[49:01]Russell, you don't need six steps. You can, I saw you can get down to four Steph Curry's. You can get down to four. Yannis is the LeBron's. I said, you're playing around six LeBron's. Did you go to the money limit? Like, did you give him a limit of like, okay, we're going 50 bucks or we're going a hundred bucks or whatever. I kind of had a number in my mind where I was like, I think this is about where it's, I didn't, it wasn't a hard cap if you will, Rob, but there was kind of a, where I thought, well, we could cut it off here, but we got up to the, and he, the thing he really wanted the most is a PSA 10 graded, like mint card. That's been graded by PSA. You know, now like people send them in, they grade them, they send them back. And the only valuable ones are the ones that have been graded and, you know, looked at and put in the case and said, you know, it's mint. It's mint. It's mint or whatever the grading system he needed. He's never owned like a PSA graded car. And I don't know any of those either. No, I don't know if you guys have ever had something like that. I'm assuming not. No. So he got up and went through them. We,

[50:00]we got out the Victor Wemba Yamas. We're looking at those first. Wemby, Wemby is the kids call him Wemby. Wemby's I'm just saying are a little pricey. Uncle Russ had to veto one or two that got a little rich, but he didn't want Wemby's. And I was like, we got to check out the, the Anthony Edwards. So we pull out the Ann Edwards, not interested in it. The kids, the Timberwolves fans, not happy that aunt Edwards didn't come through last week or so ago. Not happy about that babies. But so what he ends up going with Zion Williamson, he gets a PSA, you know, grade 10 Zion William card. That's what he picked out for his first ever PSA. I got, I got bad news for you, Russell. Don't get any stock. This kid recommends. Okay. I'm just going to tell you right now. It's like somebody who would have said, Hey, you got to hear about this Enron shit. It's so big. It can't possibly fail. It's going to be great. It's kind of like Enron and Zion are actually really similar. They're so big. They can't possibly fail. You want to talk about a guy with fucked up feet.

[51:00]I mean, that's your guy right there. Did you, did you try to say to him at all? Russell? Like, I don't know about Zion. I kept trying to steer towards like Anthony Edwards or like, I even, I think had him take out the women Yamas again, just like, Hey, give it another look. I, but you know what? If that's what the kids are into, like who, to tell the kids what they should be into and what they shouldn't be like, Aaron, can you imagine if some old person would have told you like, Hey, you know, don't get that Barry Bonds or don't get the Andy Van Slyke or whoever the hell you were. Just get what you want. I think I might've bought a Frank Thomas card once like of singles. I think about like a Frank Thomas and maybe like a Mark McGuire Olympic team card. That might've been the only like single card purchases I ever made. The other card I was going to send to you guys quick. And then we'll move it along is I was kind of filtering through the dollar cards. Well, I was sitting with my niece and he was, he was up going through like the four to $6 cards up kind of by himself. Were you, were you, did you at all think about your system where you're trying to find the most perverted card too? No, I,

[52:01]well, maybe, but the, the card I did find that I almost sent, I've got a picture of it. There is a Jack white baseball card where he's saying the national Anthem at like the tiger's opening day or something. So Jack white has a baseball card in like tops. You ever think that, that would happen? No. Did I ever think Jack white would get a baseball card? Absolutely not. Crazy, right? Absolutely not. What was that valued at? No wonder it was in like the dollar. One dollar, one dollar. That would be tempting for a dollar to get a Jack white card. It would gotta be, I mean, you never know. He could kill a bunch of people. I think it's going to be worth a bunch of money. Oh my God. He does look like that, right? Like, I mean, I'm sure he's, if you heard that he was sucking people's blood out, like he went to nursing homes and sucked out old people's blood. Like he'd be like, yeah, I can buy that. That makes sense. He's going to nursing homes. All right. No Coco. Next week, I'll tell you guys more about what I did on the great uncle rest day, but let's just leave it at cards for today. Matt Roland going, how's it going with you real quick. Can I just tell you the most perverted card? Yeah. Squirtle. Oh, what other cards?

[53:00]We've got a lot of, we've got a lot of squirtles at our house. The other cards guys, I almost got these for my niece, but I didn't know if they were appropriate. You guys remember, remember these garbage pail kids. You guys remember? Oh yeah. Yeah. Did they have them? They had them. Oh, you gotta guess. But I didn't know if they were inappropriate for a five to six year old. Yeah. Maybe five, six. It might be, it might be close. So I bought it. I bought it buying her the garbage pail kids. That would be tempting. If somebody got my kid garbage pail kids though, I would be like, you know what I mean? Like I would be saluting that person in my full Navy whites, trying to get a discount at the card store. Matt, how's it going with you? Good. Rob, can you pull up a song for me? I need Chuck profit. Summertime thing. Since we're getting into summer here, this one popped up the other day. Can I just tell you guys, anytime I make a spelling mistake now, I really, I like shutter almost. Yeah. You guys have wrecked me. Just Aaron. Aaron's the only one who's fascinated by your wild.

[54:01]Your spelling is crazy. Yeah. I think you mean not good because spelling cannot be crazy. No, your stuff can be crazy. We, when we do a live YouTube episode, people understand. Oh yeah, it's true. We've, we've talked pants. We've had, we've had wild off, uh, off podcast conversations about pants on the big text chain. We've had, I've had some individual, uh, pants discussions with people. Some people have actually started buying some of my recommendations, Travis Matthews, pants and shorts and stuff. But I took, I took my obsession with, uh, leggings, the lower half, uh, garments a little bit farther this week. And I found some nice shorts at turnstile, which is a, a consignment shop, if you will, next to my kids. I was really hoping Matt was going to tell us he's wearing yoga pants now. Like I really was hoping he was going to be wearing yoga pants. Not quite there yet. He'll lose about 10 pounds.

[55:00]The bulge is not quite a way to hurt. Right. So great. Like, yeah, I'm just wearing yoga pants. Can I tell you guys, my Instagram now is just underwear ads. I'm getting, I don't know what I did. And they all say the same thing. No seams. I'm like, what? Who cares? No panty line. Look Russ, no panty line. You can't see the line. Can you Russ? Tell what's in them. Like you can tell exactly if the guy is circumcised or not. So I, I found, I found some pants, but what I have found is that you can't find golf shorts, at least good golf shorts that are in a seven or a five inch, uh, in scene. So I found some nice Nike ones and I'm like, you know what? Maybe I could take these nine inch and just since they're 12, 15 bucks or whatever and get these tailored. So I went and got two inches taken off. Nine inch shorts. And now I've started tailoring my shorts to be the right length. I cannot tell you how awesome it is as a short guy. I have shorts that are above my kneecaps. Like it is unbelievable.

[56:01]It feels great. So take it. I think your shorts should always be real close to showing your balls. Your shorts are not in danger. You don't have your scrote coming out while you're sitting there. Shorts are not short enough. We, my sister and I were sitting with our neighbor at the cabin. Once and we were chatting with him for about 20 minutes, probably out on the dock. You know, everybody's wearing their swimsuits sitting on the dock and all we could look at were his nuts hanging out and you could see both of them right. Right. I'll never forget it. It's burned in my mind. I remember better than the birth of one of my children. He had bright red balls and they were sitting outside of his swimsuit and my sister and I were looking and then we'd look at each other and then we'd keep looking like you couldn't look away. Like, I don't know what the guy was talking about, but you could not make eye contact. Matt, when you go in to get these hemmed, do you just say take two inches off or do you, do you just like stand there in the, in the thing up on the podium while they're, they're measuring? Uh, stand up there on the podium. Lady, nice lady comes over and she, you know, she's doing the outside of your leg. It's not like she's doing the inside, but you know, has a little chalk.

[57:00]It's a little hard. You tell her though, do you tell her I want five inch? Have you thought about going four, like pushing it? Well, these were nine that I got to seven. So the nine to seven is what it was. Can I, can I show you my shorts of the summer guys? Do you want to see them? I'm wearing them right now. Please. That one or point that camera down. You guys know you love it. When I do this. Oh, the jorts. Those are like four. I am wearing the jorts. Cut off jeans. Cut offs. They are cut offs. These are all I wear now in the summer. I would think those would technically be called Daisy Dukes. Oh my goodness. Those look like three inches. Those are Daisy Dukes. Those are not more than three inch inseam right there. Yeah. Guys, I, I'm feeling good in these jean shorts. And you know, what's great about these jean shorts. You can wear them to the gym. You can lift in them. No. Oh, a hundred percent. Check out my Instagram. I got lots of videos of me lifting in the jorts. This is Rob. To be fair. This is why I don't have Instagram is because I don't want to watch this.

[58:01]Were they actual jeans that you then cut off or did they come that way? No, these are stretchy athletic. That's all I wear is a stretchy athletic. Yeah. No, you got to get these. These are special power lifter shorts. For fat guys that want to wear short jean shorts. If you, if you're used to wearing like stretch jeans and then you wear a pair that doesn't stretch and like you bend over to like pick something up, you think they're going to go right. If you get used to wearing that stuff and then you don't wear it, it's I can't do it. I'm always on. Listen, you're talking to a guy who rides a bike to work. Yeah. I got a couple of pair of pants where I'm putting that bike seat down one whole level. I cannot have my pants split on the way to work. That would be, that would be a reason for a sick day, right? Yes. Yeah. Or at least an apology to the whole school. Right, Rob? Uh, what are we saying? No, no. Who? No Cooper. What are we saying? Uh, no cocoa, no cocoa. Rolling going. How's it going? Hey,

[59:00]listen, I can't tell you why. Well, okay. I can tell you why at my work, somebody hired protesters to stand outside in front of the school one day. Oh no. And it blows my mind that I can, and somebody said agitators. Yeah. Where are you guys from? And they said, Oh yeah, somebody hired us off Craigslist, which I was like, well, it's fucking awesome. Aren't you not supposed to tell people who the fuck is still using Craigslist? Like that's crazy. Yeah. Right. You know what? I'm trying to find a 12 inch pontoon or 12 foot pontoon. So I'm using, I'm on Craigslist every other day. I'm just thinking of a 12 foot pontoon. So I'm just, I'm on it. But the gig side of things, no, but I look at used boats on. Have you, have you found anything yet? Anything that kind of gives you some movement? Uh, there's some newer ones that are kind of like fabricated. They don't look like an actual, they look like a newly weird pontoon thing. I'm trying to find like an old school,

[60:00]like eighties, 12 footer that, that looks like a pontoon. And I'm not, I've gotten close a couple of times. I mean, you can put a fake palm tree on, right? Like that's what you're looking for. You put some lawn chairs on there and a fake palm tree. You're ready to go. Lawn chairs for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Are you towing it over to, uh, North Dakota or are you? Yeah. Yeah. Cause there's one on our Lake and the guy backyard, we've tried to, uh, buy it off of him and he's, he's, he's not selling whatsoever. So we got to find a, we got to find a way to get, listen, this reminds me though, Craigslist, you know what time it is? Let's get in the water. We forgot. It's been a while. It's the motion of the ocean. This is the back to the better waterbed corner. Well, now this made it. Now, let me tell you, Oh, I'm never taking that off. I worked too hard on that. Let me tell you, waterbed. I don't want you guys to make fun of my spelling space or not. No, maybe no waterbed. There's 12 waterbeds for sale. Okay. Complete waterbed full and twin out of yonkers. Okay. Let's see. Let's see what this is.

[61:00]We got a complete waterbed. You, we have twin and full size waterbeds. That's too small for a waterbed, right? This is someone selling a new waterbed. This is not a use. This is like somebody, a twin waterbed is some, that's some crazy shit, right? That's like seven 50 for waterbeds. No one else can sleep in. Like that's crazy. Hey, check out my waterbed, but you can't lay on it with me. You're on the couch. I'm on the waterbed. A bubble reducer. I didn't even think about bubbles in their conditioner. Oh, I remember that they had to put liquid in. Otherwise the water would go bad. It would like rot. If you didn't put the, so you'd open it up and it'd be like rancid water. God, can you imagine? I mean, people got weird coughs because of waterbeds. And it looks like that's it. Go to like, go to, go to Minneapolis. Just. All right. Let's go to. Okay. Let's see. I bet there's a bunch. Only six. There. Okay. This is a choice ones though. These are real. Free waterbed. You can get a free one. Dresser set guys. This is not just a waterbed.

[62:00]That's got a patch on it. The corner. No, I think this is a tag. Are you sure? That looks like someone. They're covering up something real bad. They patched that thing. Look at that. There's dress. There's drawers underneath and the, on the bottom of it. There's drawers. How are you going to move that thing? Like what kind of. Oh my God. It is free. If you, if I had a water and I was still using like Bumbler, those apps, it would for sure be my first, my opening line. It would have to be. You brought a hundred percent. A hundred percent. Because if you, if you get to the point where. No one came home with you and you had not told them you have a waterbed. Like it's over. Like you got it. Like you've got it. Like either that or it went from a 10 to an 11. They turned it. Up to 11. Aaron has like a very solid third date and heads back to this lady's house. And she's got a fucking waterbed. It should have been a new profile. If a woman had a waterbed, I'd be like, uh, I don't, I gotta,

[63:00]I'm not going to, I'm going to just tell you right now. I need more than these three condoms I bought at the CVS. Like if she, if she tells you, I don't normally do this after like a third date and she's got a waterbed. There's no way you believe that shit. I mean, guys, if you were humping somebody on a waterbed and you just heard the water moving back and forth, you know, you'd think of me, couldn't help yourself. My face would loom in your brain. So big would wreck you. Okay. God, there are a lot of waterbeds for sale in Minneapolis. That's crazy. Full waterbeds. These waterbeds don't even have a mattress. That seems like the biggest part would be the mattress. But so listen, it turns out you can hire protesters. I'm thinking about getting protesters and being like, Rob shouldn't have won the kissing contest. I'd be like, I don't even want anybody to hear about the kissing. Oh man, I can't believe there's protesters out there. If you guys could hire protesters, what would you put on that? What would you put on their signs? The hard thing, Rob, when you ask this is that it's, you're going to give away people's rolling this going, but I would have, uh, up until about a two weeks ago,

[64:00]I would have asked protesters to protest the fact that, uh, Sonos did not offer lossless audio for Apple native on their app, but now they have it and now they've got it. So I've got lossless audio for Apple music on the Sonos, uh, app. So that's there now. So, so Aaron, you would have them do lossless audio. I don't have to anymore because now it, now it's fine. It exists. In fact, I talked to a guy about a month ago who works at Apple and he said, you know, Tim Cook's deal is if you send Tim Cook an email, he will respond. Like that's what he does. And I was like, I would, I would write to him and say like, why can I not get lossless? No, because then it was, then it happened. But then, then it happened within a couple of weeks of having that conversation. Do you ever think that maybe Tim Cook just wants a thank you email, Aaron? I bet he never gets a thank you email. Yeah. You know what I mean? Thank you for charging me so much for storage when all your shit's so big. Why, why do I need so much storage in my phone? 30 fucking hundreds of gigs and I need more for what?

[65:02]I don't even know what's in the iCloud. Fucking. You can, dude, you can send an email. We currently, my wife made a purchase Saturday. So now we currently buy Google drive space on two Google accounts and iCloud space. What? Now that, that seems inefficient. That's why are you? Yeah. What are you storing up there? I don't know. You know what it is? You know, it's actually on my iCloud makes up 99% of my iCloud movies. The parody songs from the airplane that one time. And you know what? Worth it. Tim Cook. It's true. These audio files are massive. Maybe the only other thing is I'd hire some protesters in Ireland, go outside of David Evans house and say, you know, you deserve to have the, in front of your nickname, you deserve to have the, what's David Evans. The edge. I'm pretty sure it was gang grill. Oh my God. Yeah, we got it. I got to get out of here. I hit the wrong one. John. I got you. I got you, my man. The brood. Edge and gang,

[66:00]gang grow. We're not the same guy. Gang grows edges, brother. What about Chris? His roommate comes back and goes, Russell, you'll never believe what's outside the naked yoga. It's a bunch of fucking protesters. I couldn't believe it. That's crazy. Nobody's favorite part of the show. Let's talk about the, no more naked statues in my house. Yeah, I thought that was better. You guys gave her credit for it. Listen, we are talking about songs of Leonard Cohen. Okay. Leonard Cohen born in 1934. That blew my fucking mind when I read that. Wow. Old as hell. All right. To an Orthodox Jewish family in Montreal. He is, he becomes a rather famous novelist and poet in the fifties and early sixties. Didn't do any music was a well-known. And I'm telling you guys the biggest takeaway I have from this album. You know, need to go and look at the lyrics. The lyrics to this album are literally poetry. They're crazy. When you really look at them and read them, it makes this album expand in a whole, whole new way. He did get interested in music.

[67:00]He played in a country band in high school called the buckskin boys. Okay. Which of course is now the name of a directs condom brand. And there, I think that VHS is behind the saloon doors. That would be wild. Wouldn't if you're like, uh, three normal videos, this video and one raw condom, please. And, and the buckskin boys. Thank you. Yeah. And I forgot what the joke was. Uh, our player showed him a couple of chords and showed him flamenco. And, and he goes, Oh my God, I got to learn classical guitar. So he became like this classical guitar player. I just want to point out one on his Wikipedia. Another thing he did in high school, cheerleading. Could you imagine Leonard Cohen leading cheers? Hey, let's go. Turn them over. I had a buddy in high school. The biggest guy, strongest guy in my football team became a cheerleader at St. Cloud in college. And I was like, what the hell? Why would you be a cheerleader? And then he sent me pictures of his summer job where he toured the country

[68:00]with cheerleaders. And I was like, this guy's the smartest fucking guy I've ever met in my life. It's like Albert Einstein. It was crazy guys. Should I have been a cheerleader in college? I could have done that. Right? Big megaphone. I'm like yelling in the wrong side of the megaphone and tryouts. I'm like, you kind of have the build for it. Like generally those are kind of like bigger, not, they're not very tall guys. They're kind of shorter, like stocky. Well, you know, strong. But like, I've been at a game and I have told a person that we both know when we sat, we saw like at a college football game, the male cheerleaders holding people up with the hand. This person I know also thought you would be very good at that type. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Kind of bouncing around, doing his little clap in. Yeah. Oh, I get people fired up. You guys remember the guy who was on the cheerleading team, who then also was the only lion once. And he did the trick where he made his tail look like his own dick. He blew himself. Okay.

[69:00]So let's be clear to people who aren't on a text chain with us. This was our mascot in college, the only lion and a guy dressed up. And first of all, nobody had ever seen this mascot before. It was like a mystery. It came out. Out of nowhere. We're like, what the fuck? There's a mascot at our school. That's crazy. So he came out as a lion. And how long did it take him to make his tail into a penis and then self suck? I mean, less than a quarter. I think you would think that would be the half. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then I don't think he got to do it again after that. Right. I think they took the privilege away. If I remember right, that the only lion costume was also famous for like, didn't it give like three straight people, pink guy or something like that. Yeah, I think so. Maybe you can confirm you were more tied to that athletic department than I was. I mean, guys, halftime, right? Lion comes out. We're playing Augsburg or whatever. Basketball games. It's like Devin George dancing.

[70:01]He's dancing. Oh, what's this? There's a unicycle bowls. He's flipping the bowls up onto his head. He's dunking a basketball with a huge trampling. Guess what? There's a dog. The dog is, he's catching frisbees. And at the end, what happens? He self sucks on his tail that he's made to look like a penis. A really good halftime show. But to blow it in the first quarter, literally to blow it in the first quarter. I mean, cause I mean, my memory is fuzzy, but yeah, I don't think it, I think he went right. So what happens? Cause I can just tell you, I know if I was that lion, the reaction I would get, I wouldn't stop doing it. It'd be like every three pointer. I'd be like, it's probably in our time there. After the, the Devin George dunk, it is the second greatest basketball moment of the four years. I went there. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. No, not a lot of great moments. Oh, oh, gems.

[71:01]Gems going up for a lab. That's two boys. Just every. Oh, somebody took a timeout. Listen, he, so he wants to go, he wants to go to Nashville to become a country music writer. Instead gets waylaid in New York and the folk music scene. And from what I can tell, he lived in almost every shitty hotel in New York city. Like that's just what he did. He records, he writes a song called Suzanne. Judy Collins records it in 66, puts them on the map. He said, nobody was listening to me except this person named Judy Collins. She records two of his songs. He basically blows up and they say, okay, we want you to write a record. How did he, what's up? He blew up. How did he, how did he, how did he make new records? He was, he was inverted. He was doing a handstand at halftime. Hey everybody, this is Leonard Cohen. I just want to say, and now it's time for me to do the self suck for every three, for every time you hit this volleyball and it hits a pizza box.

[72:01]I'll self suck one time. Hey, we're going to throw the football in the hole. And every time you do, I'll self suck and then drink a Dr. Pepper or whatever. All right. I'm so sorry everyone for bringing this up. Here's what I would do. Can I just tell you this? This would be my halftime show and then I'll stop. And I won't say self suck again. I was going to give a speech tonight earlier about how we need to do these faster. I might, I might not be able to keep doing it if we have to do four hour episodes. I'm ready to go. Okay. I've been trying to tell this story for a little bit. I would go out in the line outfit. I would put the tail between my legs and then struggle. And this would be like a metaphor for man's struggle. You know what I mean? And then I would have a rib bone in my pocket and I would act like I'm pulling out my own rib and then I would easily be able to self suck. And you know, it would be playing in the background.

[73:00]Sweet dreams. Why would you pick that song? Why would you pick sweet dreams? That's fucked up. Aaron. He doesn't know. Aaron, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's Maryland. It's not the good one. Imagine me at halftime. Everybody's like, holy shit. He took those ribs. This guy rules. And then later I say, that's Paul from the wonder years. And then it brings around full circle because you're not even thinking. All right. So, uh, he then, okay. Let's talk about Leonard Cohen. Of course. Uh, guy comes in and says, Leonard, let's make an album that he writes all the songs people follow the thread. The producer has them write bass parts and strings parts because this is 67. They're going to put strings. They're going to put back instrumental. Leonard Cohen hates it. However, on a couple of these songs, they weren't able to scrub it off the four tracks. So you can still hear a couple because there's a couple of songs where there's weird instrumentation in the background. That's why it's there. It's because it's left over from that, from that,

[74:00]what he didn't like. And, uh, and the original Rolling Stone are a review of this album. Okay. Rolling Stone magazine, the, the, the pieces of shit that made this list. Okay. Which is now our Sisyphean task said there are three brilliant songs in this album. One good one, three, three qualified bummers and three flaming shits. So my job, I think our job is to pick out. Yeah, we got to know which is which. Hey, we are going to pick out the three flaming shits on this album. Got all the way up to 13 in the, uh, in the UK, but only to 83 in the States. This has kind of become big on a retrospective Leonard Cohen after he passed away about 10 years ago. Uh, so let's get into songs of Leonard Cohen. Of course, here we have Suzanne. Never heard of her. Never heard of her. What a great opener, right? Really? Really? I love this song. You can hear the, yeah, as I often say, Nina Simone has a great cover of the song.

[75:00]In fact, I knew the Nina Simone version before I knew this one. Can I tell you Aaron, I've talked about this song before melodies. Do you remember why I do not an album? That's no longer on the list at it as one of their melodies. And the colors of the sea, it's the exact same cream copied it with song tales of Ulysses. They copied it. Exactly. No, there's another artist that's copied this song exactly too. And it's back. Oh my God. Oh, Beck actually had a project called the record club. It was a musical project that he did in 2009. The purpose of the project was to cover an entire album by an artist in one day. Um, wow. Different musicians. So he had other musicians come in and cover songs by Leonard Cohen. And he actually was the one who covered this song. Suzanne, check it out. Okay. Do we have to say this?

[76:01]He did it better. When it comes to, when it comes to honoring Leonard Cohen by covering one of his albums, who did it better? Beck did it better. I guess. I cannot full-throatedly do that one. Uh, next up on the album, we have, we have a master song. And this is one where if you do get a chance to check out the lyrics, I would advise it. That was one of the tough things about this album is like, it's really pleasant music to have on. And then you realize like, I probably missed some brilliant stuff he sang and then kind of just like vibe into it. Man. What's, what's the issue with the album? I mean like the first 16 seconds of Suzanne, like, I fell asleep and I'm just bored. I don't know. This does seem to be your favorite artist, favorite artist though. Doesn't it? It's one of those deals. I mean, it's probably, and it's probably more for the lyrics more than anything, you know, like if you actually have to write a song, right. You know,

[77:00]like you're going to come to these songs and listen to the lyrics and how he lays them out and how he puts them into the melodies and things like that. And it's probably great. But as a casual listener, I mean, I just, it put me to sleep. And I, I do like any Leonard Cohen songs. Not really, you know, so it's, it's hard to tell if it's just not for me, you know, Oh, Chelsea hotel. So good. Next up winter lady. A one night stand. You guys, if you could go back and have more one night stands, would you? Oh yeah. Yeah. So would I, I was going to say baby, but then Russ said, yes, I will do. Who wouldn't? Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So in your wild oats, you think anyone's ever been on their deathbed? Rob had been like, God damn those, those, those three weeks of the summer of 2004. I wish I could have given those back. Yeah. Oh, it's a good point. Hey,

[78:00]you know what? You know what? In this country used to have one night stands. Now we just got silicone things in our bed stands. All right. So moving on to the stranger song. Oh, and don't be not going to do it. No, this was a time where he was in living in an apartment above Penn station. Like that can't be playing guitar on here. He's playing the guitar. Yes. Okay. You'll never need to deal another. Imagine living above a train station was just, I mean, he's playing the song and all of a sudden you just hear like, you're going to hear the train coming. As it fades away like that. I was reading that. That song was, in a movie called McCabe and Mrs. Miller, which featured Warren Beatty, which makes it the second Warren Beatty movie I've ever heard of in my life. Where Warren Beatty plays a gambler turned semi-legitimate businessman, brothel keeper. I mean, how do we not watch that? That might have to be our next watch.

[79:00]Wow. Yeah. He's constantly trying to hire a cook. We need more shrimp. Everybody's ordering the shrimp for some reason. Sisters of mercy. This is one where it has those weird instrumentals in the background. Can I ask you this? Would there be anything more difficult than to become a poet? Oh, I think it's going to be easy. No, it's got to be impossible for me to say to you, read my poetry. Russell, read my poetry. You read my poetry? I consider you one of my better friends. Are you reading my poetry, Russell? But isn't poetry like any, you could do something totally different and it could be, you're just, you're writing it the way you want to write it. Why, why does it make it so hard? I used to work with somebody who did poetry and they had a reading in New York City and it was exactly what I fucking wanted. It was like visual arts in the background. Literally, it was all about like, you know, menstruations and stuff. I was like, this is exactly what I dreamed of when I moved to New York City.

[80:00]This is just what I want. I was so happy. I bought the book to be nice. I never opened it. I never read it, Russell. I would never read it. How could you, how could you get somebody to just read your poetry? When the sidewalk ends. That's a great point. Yeah, that's good. It's probably the last poetry book I've read. That's, I don't, that's not a bad one. So long, Marianne. Poetry's hard to read, man. This is about his girlfriend and muse named Marianne, who he met in Greece before he felt too bad for Leonard Cohen's life. He lived there for eight years. So this cannot be one of the flaming shits, right? Like this has to be one of the three brilliant songs. This was my favorite song on the album. Oh, me too. Hands down. It's not even close. It's the quake. It has a chorus, which is nice. Yeah. You know what? It's the bass is quicker. There's like backup singers. It just feels way more musical than the other ones, but Matt kind of alluded to it. The first songs, it feels like it could be someone in your college dorm. That's just got away with words. He doesn't seem like the most musically talented or gifted. Like, right. You're telling me this is,

[81:00]this album's within like seven albums of Etta James. Matt, get the fuck out of here. There's no way. There's no way. This is the only one that feels like a song. Like, I mean, and I, I actually enjoy listening to the album, but this is the only one that feels like a song. Do you, here's a question for you. Is he on this list? If he doesn't write hallelujah. No, not even close. No. Okay. All right, guys, I have so many good questions where, you know, the answer is I'm such a good teacher. This is a song that he says from the darkest mud blooms, the whitest Lotus from the brownest hotel room. You occasionally get a good song. He sat and wrote this in an old hotel room. What's the worst hotel you guys have ever stayed in? It's the one with the, with the bugs. I've stayed at the Chelsea hotel. Bugs with the bugs. That was a nice hotel. They just had the bugs. Did you really stay at the Chelsea hotel? Yeah, I've stayed there. I've stayed at the Chelsea hotel. It was loud as shit. There's like a bar right beneath us. Did you unmake your bed and just lie in it? And it's like, come on, please. Maybe.

[82:00]No, I didn't know the song at the time. I've had two horrible experiences. One time I was coaching baseball at Augsburg. I went down to Luther. So we were down in Decorah, Iowa, and we didn't stay at like the holiday. And we stayed at whatever the roadside hotel was there. That was horrible. That was not good. And the one time for work roadside hotel sounds. Yeah. One time for work, I had to go to Vegas and it was before I was having current jobs. It was my old one. It was a little, it was a little bit, the expense reports were a little different. And I'm like, yeah, I'm just going to go down night early. I'll stay at circus circus. Cause they got cheap rooms. It'll be fine. Well, circus circus has like this out lot and they've got hotels there. And it's like people, people living out of their cars, staying in that, you know, so they have like 17 people just to use the one bathroom and things like that. So I stayed there. I got there at like 11 o'clock and by like four o'clock in the morning, I was over to Aria or something like that. You know, like, just like, I got to get out of here kind of a thing. So never stay at circus circus. It's always bad when you get into a bed and it's moist.

[83:01]You know what I mean? I would say that's the number one thing you don't want. I say it on top. I just, yeah. Say to my clothes on top of the sheets or on top of the bed spread. When you, when you leave that place, you go to the hotel. You got to say goodbye. That last song was about saying goodbye. And I got to say, it's not my favorite song ever about saying goodbye. So I thought we could do a list instead about the greatest songs ever about saying goodbye. Wow. Okay. That's weird. Russell, that you would say goodbye because I say hello. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. First time on the list from 1969. And this was the author of the song. Someone else made it very famous. Peter Paul, Mary, but we're going to talk about it. We're going to go with the John Denver version. Leave it on a jet plane. Oh, I gave this to Aaron knowing. I know Aaron loves John Denver and I gave it to Rob just to let Rob do this. I'm just going to say it. He died in an experimental plane. Not since somebody got into an experimental submarine.

[84:03]It was such a bad decision made. You should not be in experimental crafts, period. God, he sounds crazy. You know, he was saying when he wrote this song, he said, what a voice, man. There's the sound of the door closing behind you and the thought of leaving someone that you care for very much. He was very fortunate to have Peter, Paul and Mary in his life to make this song a hit, but it makes you start thinking about the time you spend with people. They come into your life. They're just there for a little bit. It's kind of like this podcast. Like, you know, after the thing Rob did a few weeks ago with, with John for me, Donna, I don't know how long I'm going to be on this podcast. You know, we start getting to the point of saying goodbye, but John Denver did it. He did it pretty well, right? It was a good episode though. You got to admit, if you listen to it, I think you guys would like it. There's a great part about the Burger King bathroom. You know what Rob didn't do on that list is show that we were always on his mind. And that's the next song on the list by Willie Nelson. Always on my mind. Oh, this song. Oh, geez. You want a karaoke banger? This is it right here.

[85:00]Boys and girls. 1972. This was written by a guy named Wayne Carson. He was writing music in Memphis. His wife got pissed at him. Cause he was there like 10 days longer than he was supposed to. And he said, look, you've always been on my mind. Hangs up, writes the song. Willie makes it great. Elvis did it. No, like I was kind of thinking, you know, after the John thing, when I, when I started thinking about maybe my time has come coming up soon, I was kind of thinking you guys were always on my, you're always on my mind while I was doing this podcast. But so I'm not leading, I'm not leading to a big announcement here at the end of this list or anything, but I'll, I'll just keep going. Oh my God. But it feels good. I didn't, I didn't even know there was a song called I quit the podcast, but I, I don't know why I downloaded it. That feels like it's in the folder. If you want to pull it down, you might want to get ready for it here. But really that's like all about apologizing to someone, right? Like that you didn't do the right things for them,

[86:00]but you thought about them, but you didn't, you didn't do the right things. Did you Rob? Well, some people have apologized. I just don't think you guys have accepted. Like a real heartfelt, thoughtful apology goes a long way to, you know, I told John, I told John Apollo. I told him we weren't mad at him. 1991. The next song. I, this is an all timer for me. This is boys to men. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Yes. Was this the last track on Cooley high harmony? I think that feels right. It would have to be right. We have to close with it. I mean, this is an all time closer. Let's read a little bit about, but boys to men and they were saying like, and Aaron would know this way better than I would be like, what made them so great is they could carry it like an acapella song. They didn't need all the production and everything. Like all the other boy bands from that era, but these guys just slay it. Don't they? Yeah. Oh yeah. This is good. It was with them and shy. Only shy.

[87:00]Oh Rob. I also love this second biggest acapella hit of all time behind. Can you guys guess the biggest acapella hit ever ahead of this one? Uh, the lion sleeps. Hello. It's something Rob has done a parody of. Oh, maybe his greatest parody. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. The greatest acapella song of all time. I was going to say seven bridges road is the fifth out fifth song in the album. Rosie Cooley. That's crazy. Like the first on side two, pretty much if it was on vinyl. And that's really about the experience of the lasting impact of the relationship. And it leaves behind, you know, good, good buys are tough. And, you know, sometimes maybe here in a few minutes, it's going to be a little bit tough when I, uh, finish this list. It's now looking forward to this next episode of record tonight. It's going to be so awkward. Next song on the list, 1997. I remember listening to this with you guys on a, the white tiger party bus. It's green day.

[88:00]Good riddance time of your life. Wow. Is there anybody who graduated in the late nineties, early two thousands that didn't listen to this? Yeah. You Rob you're a teacher. You did graduation this week. I know Manny from South St. Paul, some other teachers at graduation. Is this the, this is the graduation song. Isn't it? If you got figured in June, this song was on, I can almost guarantee it. Hey, I'm going to college. I'll just say it. I'll just say it. The, uh, the hockey house room, the song saying that so much. And I just can't, I don't, I don't think I ever went to the hockey house. I'm pretty certain. I never got an invite to that. I'd be honest. I was kind of scared. I don't think I ever got an invite, but I was also scared to go. I was. And part of it was that I knew the women there would be so attractive that it would be a scary party for me to attend. Cause here's my bit. I show up. I've been my lion suit. I pull out a rib bone. Cause I told you that one time I went to that party, the football house and they had a big birthday cake. Oh guys, you invite me to a party at college and there's a big

[89:02]sheet cake in the middle of the party. Yeah. No, there's going to be trouble. That was a huge mistake in the sheet cake. It invited me because then they also had a hammer and I was said, ding, ding schools in suckers. It's hammer time. And then I used the claw of the hammer to take a big scoop of the cake and eat it. And if you think I just did that now, here, I'm going to let you guys guess. Do you think I did that once or a bunch of times? I bet. My guess is everybody, everybody laughed for the first time. So then as many times as there were pieces of, I think at the end, it was just Courtney Bozeman. It was like hammer time. I get it. And I was like, fuck it. Let's do it again. I bet. I bet after Rob did, hammer time, he had to take a huge dookie that night. And it's interesting about that green day album. Matt, you're a green day guy. You'll, you'll like this, this, that song. Good riddance was originally supposed to be on dookie in 1994. No, they decided it didn't fit the album. So they didn't put it on insomniac the next one. And then they finally used it on, I think Nimrod in 1997,

[90:01]she held that song for like three years. Isn't that crazy? Dookie would be even better with that. I mean, now are you going to, what song are you going to get rid of all by myself? I don't think so. I don't, I don't think it, I don't think it fits. I'm with Aaron. I don't think that's it. I think they made a good decision there. I thought Billy, make sure I get this right. Matt, Billy Joe Armstrong said about this song, this song is about accepting that people come in. They go into your life in different directions. People come into your life and it's wonderful, but they seem to go out of your life as quickly as they came in. Just like what might be happening here in a few minutes. Oh my God. Wow. That's poetry. Next song on the list. I wasn't sure that this is necessarily a goodbye song, but when you read, listen to some of the lyrics and I know what kind of comes up on these lists, it's semi-sonic closing time. Oh, listen to the lyrics here. Well, they play it at the end of a show, right? ♪ Every new beginning comes from summer ♪ Isn't this about the birth of a child though? It is.

[91:00]Have we talked about that? They talk about every new beginning. Wow. Is the end of some other beginnings end, right? Yeah. So what's next? Listen, Dan Wilson, Minneapolis, right, Matt? If you were a doctor stitching a woman up after she gave birth, this would be a good one to play. ♪ I wanted to take me home ♪ We'll be, last song. I get it. Closing time. ♪ I wanted to take me home ♪ Last song on the list. I think, Aaron, you mentioned this guy, Charlie Puth, right? Yeah, I saw him today. This is Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. This is "See You Again". This is the final song. Oh, yeah. He closed with us today. He has. It's really fun. He closed with it. ♪ Without you, my friend ♪ ♪ And I'll try ♪ This is gonna get better. ♪ And I'll try ♪ This is gonna get better. This is gonna get emotional for me here in a second. This, I'm warning you, Rob. Russell, are you? Yeah, it's a little emotional. ♪ You've come a long way ♪ This is a banger, though. When this played in "Fast and the Furious" with Paul Walker driving off on a separate road, I was crying my eyes out. ♪ When I see you ♪ I cried and there was a picture of Vin Diesel on the screen. Dude, they did this at middle school graduation last year and everybody cried. The middle schoolers all did a little dance routine

[92:02]to this thing. Oh, man. This is over. This is a tearjerker. Yeah. So, as you guys can tell, I've kind of been leading up to kind of a big announcement here. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And this is the end of this list. I'm not leaving. I'm not fucking leaving. Wow. The show goes on. This is my podcast. They're gonna need a fucking track and ball to take me out of here. They're gonna need to send in the National Dharma, the fucking SWAT team, 'cause I'm going nowhere. Russell, you had to grab the mic like he did in the movie. Like, "I'm going nowhere." ♪ I'm going nowhere ♪ It's so weird, 'cause when we made that announcement, I saw Matt eat a giant bottle of pills. I'll be right back. I can just throw 'em up. The Stories of the Street. Did we do this one? Yeah. Stories of the Street. Before you feel bad about the movie, this is about his years in Havana. Havana? What was he doing in Havana? He was just chilling. I think this guy had some money,

[93:00]'cause he was just chilling in Havana. Yeah, it feels like he could just do what he wanted. Yeah. ♪ In the middle of the night ♪ Oh, boy. And then, next song. ♪ In the middle of the night ♪ Features. Nothing was edited out there, so that's fine. Now, listen to these lyrics. ♪ I met a woman long ago ♪ ♪ Where hair was black that black can go ♪ ♪ Are you a teacher of the heart? ♪ ♪ Soft she answered no ♪ ♪ I met a woman long ago ♪ ♪ Her hair the black that black can go ♪ I'm telling you, look up the lyrics, okay? The lyrics are fantastic. The problem, my problem with it being this side of the list, if you've listened to Rob's parody song, it doesn't sound that much different to me, honestly. It's too tough for me. Poetry's amazing. I will say this. I think that Bob Dylan is on par with his writing as Leonard Cohen, and I could be wrong with that, but Bob Dylan's musicality is 17 times better than Leonard Cohen's. Yes, I would agree with that. And that's why I think I keep trying to kind of compare them together, and when you add,

[94:00]maybe Leonard Cohen's a better writer than Bob Dylan. You're not gonna get me to argue that, 'cause I have no basis to say, whatever. But when these two are both in the '60s and '70s and early '60s and early '70s, and with the beatniks and all that stuff, it's so hard for me to separate the two of them and not just say that Bob Dylan is so much better musicality-wise, and I think that's the main reason I just don't like listening to Leonard Cohen all the time. - I think part of the problem with Bermude Leonard Cohen is he is one of the top artists that I have convinced myself, and remember, I have a very small brain, that if I don't like it, I'm not smart. - Big head. You got a big head, though. - Well, okay, yeah, thank, well. - It's like a size eight, right? - I would say that that's not true, but it is true. Every hat, it's on the last peg. It's way out there. It's at angles that it shouldn't be at. - You wear hats? I've never seen you wear a hat. - I don't wear hats. They do not look good on me. They look like they're gonna pop off at any time. - I've never seen you wear a hat. - I know, right?

[95:00]- I've got a hat. I've got a hat somewhere. Oh, you know what I've got? I've got a Jets hat that Joe bought me when we went to the Jets game. I'll put it on. I look like a fool. - Well, anyone wearing a Jets hat looks like a fool. - In my mind, in my mind, if you don't like Leonard Cohen, you're dumb. That's what I've always thought growing up. Because all the smart people I knew liked Leonard Cohen, and they would say, "Oh, Leonard Cohen, Leonard." - That's like a counterculture thing. - I know, but guys, I'm dumb. I am worried about what other people think, okay? It's definitely not because of the way I was raised. Next up, one of us, if you look up Spotify and just put in Leonard Cohen, the first song that pops up is Suzanne. 139 million streams. I bet that's about as low of a hit as any one we've listened to on this podcast so far. I bet if you go through, I bet there's not more than five or six artists that are less listened to than that. I bet "My Bloody Valentine" is less. - Yeah, it's probably like television, "My Bloody Valentine." - Who was that, Pulp? No, who was the one with the family in California?

[96:03]- You're right, Mark Keemoon's only at 46 million. - What was the one with the family in California where they had like the, it was like them or? God, we just did the episode, guys. I cannot- - What? - I didn't recognize any of the song. It was the only band on here I've never heard of. - Oh, Love, "Forever Changes." - Love. - Yeah, yeah, Love. - I guarantee "Forever Changes" is lower too. I mean, that song, ooh. That's when our podcast was really a trouble is after we played that. - You're right. They're way lower than this. I'm wrong. - By the way- - Hey, Rob, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I made a mistake. I should have thought about this more before doing that. - That's really, that helps. - I'm gonna hold it against you forever, even though I actually apologize already. And I think it's funny to hold it against you forever, not realizing that it has a devastating psychological effect on somebody as fragile as Rob. - Hey, Rob, if you want devastating psychological effects, put that hat on and let us make fun of you for a minute. - That's in the jet set. - No, I don't like this. Lots of people like me. This is terrible.

[97:00]By the way, that last song is about somebody who's madly in love with Nico. - That's why Matt's out. - Guys, can you imagine Leonard Cohen and Nico on a date? - Hey, Nico. Hey, Leonard. - I mean, their kids would be like- - Hey, how's it go? - You know where their kids- - You need the German accent, though. You need the German accent. - Oh, yes. Say, "Leonard, I would love to give you a head on the unmade bed. Ugh. Let me take out my rib. Please meet my sister, Chyna." - All right, so let's get into the rating system. Classic low-voice person, Chyna. Also something else. I'll show you guys after the podcast. I got some pictures. - No, no, no. No. Nothing Chyna. - Everyone knows. That's how big it is. Everybody knows. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Okay. Songs of Leonard Cohen. Okay. Is this at 195? Is this rolling well-toned? Guys, it's just perfect right here.

[98:01]Leonard Cohen, not a great singer, but a famous songwriter. Everybody knows him. But is it rolling bone? Should have been higher up on the list. Okay. Cyndi Lauper, see ya. Love, see ya. Okay. We're talking Leonard Cohen. Okay. Or is this a rolling groan? Okay. Maybe he's not as good a songwriter as Bob Dylan, which is something I just thought of. Okay. Or maybe he should be lower on the list. Okay. Why do we have a guy like this who kind of wrote one famous song anyway, although Chelsea O'Tell is really good. That would be a rolling groan. We did not like this song. It should be lower on the list. We're going to put it in the garbage can along with one of the naked yoga statues. Russell, what do you think? Rolling well-toned, rolling bone, or rolling groan? If I went to the card store and I got this card and I got it appraised, I'm going to say this is like a PSA six. Wow. There's no way this is a 10. It's not meant. You know what? He may be an amazing poet, but Matt said it much more eloquently than I did. The musicality is just not there. It doesn't sound like he's this amazing musician. I don't see how you could say this is one of the greatest albums of all time when I don't

[99:05]think the music is that much better than what someone could have done, like an amateur could have done sitting in a coffee shop or something. So while I think he is an amazing writer and everything, I just can't see how it's this high on the list. So do the math. It's rolling boned. Russell, I apologize. I was not listening to a word you said. Rolling groan. Do the math. It's rolling groan. Do the math. Do the math. Russell, I apologize. I was not listening to you there. I was thinking about when you complimented my parody song earlier, and I'm still living off that. It's great. Thank you. Matt, rolling well-toned, rolling boned, or rolling groan? You know, when I listen to this album, it feels like I'm sleeping and somebody stuck their foot in my mouth or something like that, so I can't get the taste out of my mouth. It's not a good album. I think I shouldn't say it's not a good album. It's not for me. You know, I'm not going to say it's not a good album. I think the writing is probably great.